


We're both a little broken

by Balthamos



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-09
Updated: 2013-09-08
Packaged: 2017-12-25 08:31:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 59,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/950961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every day is the same for Arthur. He wakes up after the same recurring nightmare, takes his meds, goes to work, goes to the gym, eats, sleeps. Sometimes he drinks to help the sleep come faster. Then one day, his father calls him to inform him his mother has died. As he makes his journey home to England for the funeral, he considers how odd it is that he still doesn’t feel anything, even now that his mother is gone. In the village where he grew up he meets Merlin, a compulsive liar who moved there just after Arthur left. At first glance Merlin seems perpetually happy, drawing Arthur out of his shell with his jokes and his far-fetched lies. But Arthur learns the secrets Merlin keeps close to his heart and he realises no one is without their issues, but if Merlin can be happy why can’t he?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Returning home

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is my second paperlegends submission, this one is very different. The idea came to me when I was watching Garden State for probably the fiftieth time, and the theme of depression and loneliness just seemed to fit Arthur and Merlin. The story was originally suppsoed to be a fusion with the movie, but the idea ran away with me completely and it doesn't really resemble it past the beginning, and I am really pleased with how it came out.
> 
> Thanks so much to my beta martabulous for keeping me on track and ensuring my story is readable. Again my artist is the fabulous superfluous_emi, who created some beautiful pieces for my work. Her art is embedded within and can also be found [here (LJ)](http://superfluous-art.livejournal.com/3992.html) and also [here (AO3)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/959690) so please go give her lots of love.

Arthur had the same dream every night and had done for as long as he could remember. In his mind he is on a plane; sitting in his seat. The engines have failed and the plane is going to fall to the ground. Around him, people are screaming, crying and praying to gods, whom they think can save them. Imaginary mothers are clutching their children close and the flight attendants are begging people to stay calm and in their seats. An elderly woman, just another figment of his imagination, is sitting beside him clinging to his arm, clutching a crucifix in her hand. But Arthur just sits there unafraid staring straight ahead and waiting for a crash that never comes. 

Arthur heard the shrill ringing of a phone infiltrating his dream before he woke up with a start. He blinked and stared around his stark and empty room. The sun was up, light streaming in through the thin white curtains and making the bare white walls look even brighter. There was not a hint of colour anywhere; it was like a padded cell in an institution, which Arthur often thought was appropriate.

He sat up and reached for his mobile, which was on the dresser flashing _Father: one missed call and one new voicemail_. Arthur picked up the phone and examined it, it must be something very important for his father to ring him, not email. He pressed the phone to his ear and played the message, Uther's voice came on over the speaker. The man sounded different to how Arthur remembered, old and weary as opposed to stern and cruel. There was a heavy sigh over the line before his father spoke.

"Hello Arthur, it's your father. How are we supposed to communicate if you never answer the phone? Look... you're going to have to come home. You need to come home Arthur... how do you expect me to do this over the phone? It's your mother Arthur, she passed away last night. You need to come home Arthur... just come home," he repeated before ending the call.

Arthur had never heard Uther sound so unsure; did he think that he would miss his own mother's funeral? Arthur may have stayed away these past eleven years, but he would go home for this.

He put the phone back on the dresser carefully, almost afraid it might ring again. He picked up his laptop and after a brief bit of searching, he managed to book a plane ticket. The first flight he could find was for early that evening, which got into England first thing Saturday morning. After sending his father a short text informing the man of the details, he pushed himself out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. As always he started the day with his drugs; he opened the medicine cabinet and took out the various little orange bottles. Citalopram, Venlafaxine, and Duloxetine. He shook the cocktail of pills into his palm and swallowed them dry before brushing his teeth and jumping into the shower.

Because of his father’s surprise message, he was running behind so he dressed in a hurry and rushed out of the flat, skipping breakfast and heading straight to work. For the first time in the five years he had been working at Pendragon Corp he was late. It was unsettling as Arthur was never one to break from his usual rigid routine. But today was not a normal day.

As he exited the lift on the top floor his assistant noticed him at once and followed him into his office. Arthur braced himself for Mithian’s fussing but it never came. Instead she proceeded to inform him of the various meetings he had scheduled for that day and the list of reports he had to file by lunchtime. He thanked her politely and let her get back to her desk, firing up his computer to begin the workday as if it were any other.

He was somewhat surprised that no one had heard what happened, Pendragon Corp was his father's company. But it appeared that the message had not yet made it across the pond. Arthur put his worries aside and began to look through the figures on his screen, becoming absorbed in processing the numbers and charts. He was concentrating so hard he started to forget his father's morning phone call, he even forgot to send Mithian out for his lunch. The afternoon came around soon enough and Arthur was just getting ready for the Friday meeting with the board, when Mithian burst into the office, looking worried and tearful.

"Arthur for heaven's sakes, your mother died! Why didn’t you tell me? Why on earth are you here?" she asked, walking right up to the desk, looking very concerned.

"There aren’t any flights home until this evening," he said. "And there’s far too much to do to take any time off, I'll be away most of next week," he said.

"You could have taken the company plane." Mithian leant forward on the desk, encroaching on his personal space and eyeing him with a frown.

"There's no point, the funeral is not ‘til Sunday." He stood up and took a step back.

Mithian was getting too close and it was making him uncomfortable.

"But why are you _here_?" she asked.

Arthur shrugged at this, he had no appropriate response. He knew that coming into work as if nothing had happened when your mother had died was not normal practice. But he had not known what else to do. It was not as if he had any friends to comfort him, although he did not need comforting because was not upset, just numb as always. He knew that he should be grieving and should be sad but even his mother dying could not break through the haze. Arthur sighed and schooled his face into one of what he hoped was sorrow and hung his head.

"I just wanted to keep busy," he said.

"Oh Arthur," Mithian whispered, patting his shoulder, "it'll be ok but you shouldn't be here honey. Now why don’t you go and pack? I have scheduled you a week off for now, if you need longer just call and I will sort it out. Geoff will take charge whilst you’re away," she said, pulling him away from the desk.

The woman hesitated, looking as if she wanted to hug him and Arthur felt relieved when she pulled away instead. He nodded at her resignedly and gathered his things before allowing Mithian to escort him to the lift. He stepped in and pressed the button for the ground floor but Mithian held her hand against the door, stopping the lift from going anywhere.

"Are you going to be alright Arthur? Is there anyone who can stay with you until this evening?" Mithian asked, fussing and smoothing his suit.

"I'll be fine Mithian, thank you. I'll see you when I get back," he said.

She nodded and allowed the doors of the lift to close, alone Arthur leant against the wall and closed his eyes as he descended.

 When he got back to his flat, he spent a while packing; all he needed was his suit and a small travel bag. He was sorting through his toiletries when he picked up one of his orange medicine bottles, considering how many he should take with him. A thought hit him out of nowhere; if he were to leave them behind, he might even be able to cry at his mother's funeral. In the end he tossed in a couple of bottles of each. He did not know how long he needed to stay in England, if his father needed him.

Arthur finished packing in twenty minutes, which meant that he had four hours to kill before he needed to leave for his flight. He did not know what to do with himself, he spent most of his waking moments working, even on Saturdays. He did not have any pastimes apart from the gym. In the end he put on his expensive stereo, filling his flat with the sounds of gentle classical music. He sat on the black leather sofa, closing his eyes, sitting still and waiting for six o'clock to come.

  

The plane journey was uneventful, unlike the flight in his dreams and he arrived at Heathrow on time. As he looked around the airport, Arthur had the overwhelming urge to run away. He had left England for New York eleven years ago and never looked back; even though he was just in the airport, it was too familiar, it was stifling. Arthur found himself hiding in the bathroom trying to calm himself. It had been a long time since he had been anxious, and this was just a shadow of the old panic he used to suffer. He splashed his face with water and knocked back a few pills, staring at himself in the mirror he wondered how he was going to make it through this.

The car journey from London to Oxfordshire took just over an hour, which Arthur thought was still not enough time to prepare for seeing Uther. When they pulled up at Camelot Manor, Arthur pondered when this house had stopped feeling like a home, he wondered if it had ever felt like home. George opened the door of the car and showed him inside, pointing him straight to his father's study.

"I might just-"

"Mr Pendragon wants to see you sir," George said, before going back to fetch the bags.

Arthur sucked in a breath and wandered to the east wing where his father sometimes ran the England branch of Pendragon Corp, when he could not get to London. He stood outside his father's study for five whole minutes before he braced himself and knocked on the door.

"Come in," his father called from inside the room.

Arthur pushed the heavy door open and entered the room, looking around it was just as he remembered. Every wall lined with shelves of books on business and law, and a fire crackled in the hearth. His father sat at the large oak desk, looking through his papers. Arthur could tell from the miserable expression on his face these papers were about his mother.

"Hello father," Arthur said.

"Ah Arthur, you made it," Uther said, gesturing toward the chair in front of him.

Arthur remained by the door, hesitating.

"Please come and sit down Arthur," Uther said, a hint of pleading in his voice.

Arthur sighed and walked over to the chair, sitting and facing his father. It had been a year since he had seen the man, when Uther had last visited the New York office. Arthur could not believe how frail Uther's grief was making him look.

"I'm glad you came back Arthur, it's been so long since you were home," Uther said.

A thought struck Arthur, perhaps his father had missed him this whole time . The two men had never been close. When Arthur was young Uther worked in London during the week so they had almost never seen each other. Now Arthur could see the regret plain on his father's face.

"How are you doing Arthur?" his father asked, bringing his attention back into the room.

"I'm fine," Arthur said, "although I've been having these headaches," he said.

"Headaches?" Uther asked concerned.

"Yeah but they're short, they last a few seconds like thunderstorm in my head and then it’s gone," Arthur said.

"Well I'll book you an appointment with Dr Freeman," Uther said.

"Dr Freeman?" Arthur asked, not recognising the name.

"Yes Gaius Freeman, he's a neurologist and an old friend. He moved here a few years ago now, after you left," Uther said.

"What happened to Dr Muirden?" Arthur asked.

"Oh he left a long time ago now, got a job in London in Harley Street I believe," Uther said.

"Ok, I'll see this Dr Freeman then," Arthur said.

"Excellent, I'm sure he'll be able to help you. I'll try to get you an appointment for Monday morning," Uther said.

"Thank you father," Arthur said.

Uther smiled at him before looking back at his papers, his face was sad. Arthur got up, leaving his father to the funeral arrangements; he wandered around the house to amuse himself.

He found himself in the large garage, where his father kept his small collection of cars. Arthur had left England when he was seventeen. He had never owned a car on this side of the Atlantic. But there was his old bike, which stood abandoned covered with a sheet.

Arthur could remember refusing the cars his father offered; instead indulging his teenage rebellious streak. He smiled at the old battered bike, which he had bought himself against his father’s wishes. He remembered the freedom he had felt not having to rely on George to chauffer him places. Even though the bike had been slow and falling apart when he first got it he loved it. Arthur had always planned to get something faster, then his father had sent him away. He decided he had to take it out for a spin while he was here.

"Welcome home Arthur."

"Hello Morgana," Arthur said, turning round to face his sister.

"Oh Arthur," she whispered, stepping forward and scanning his face, "are you even upset?" she asked.

"Yes… no… I don’t know," Arthur said, allowing her to wrap her arms around him.

He stood there holding her for a few moments and when she pulled back, he wiped her tears away with his thumb.

"I’m sorry about your mother Arthur," Morgana said, hopping up onto his bike and facing him.

Morgana was his half-sister, born before Uther had married his mother but she had always been a part of his life. When Morgana was fifteen and Arthur was twelve, her mother and stepfather died in a car accident, so Morgana had come to live with them at Camelot Manor. She was the only person Arthur knew who understood why he always seemed so emotionless, the one who knew it was just drug-induced bullshit.

Morgana lived in London now, working as a curator at a fancy modern art gallery Arthur had only ever seen in photos. Their father had offered her a job at the firm but Morgana had refused it. She wanted to make her own way in the world and do something she enjoyed. She still visited the manor every other weekend though, and she had come back to take care of their father as soon as she’d heard the news.

"Thank you Morgana," Arthur said, sitting beside her and leaning his head on her shoulder.

"You should stop taking those pills Arthur," she said.

It was something she said to him every time she saw him.

"I know, but I worry I’ll go mad," Arthur said.

"Could it be any worse?" she asked.

Arthur could not answer that, he had been on antidepressants since childhood and he no longer remembered any different.

  

As Arthur stood in the churchyard watching his mother being lowered into the ground he still felt no sadness, no grief. He stood apart from the rest of the mourners, watching his father. Uther was standing next to Morgana, clutching her arm and leaning against her. Again, Arthur wondered when the formidable man had become so frail, maybe it was his mother's passing but Arthur suspected it had begun before that. His father was getting old he thought, speculating whether he’d soon be required to start running their larger London office. The thought made him shudder, he did not like New York but at least he had no awful memories there.

Arthur looked across the churchyard and saw a familiar face watching him, Gwaine Greene. The man waved at him and Arthur turned back to eye his father, he was talking to a woman he didn’t recognise. No one else would notice him disappear for a few minutes, so he wandered over to the gate where Gwaine was waiting.

"Alright Pendragon?" Gwaine called out as he approached.

Arthur just raised an eyebrow.

"Aside from the obvious."

"So so," Arthur said.

"So your mum huh?" Gwaine asked. That was Gwaine, straight to the point.

"Yeah," Arthur said.

"Sorry about that," Gwaine said. "Long time no see though, how's America treating you?"

"Can't complain," Arthur said, "so you’re still here?"

"Yeah guess I am. I own a pub in town now, The Red Dragon. If the wake gets boring come over, drinks'll be on the house and we can catch up if you want," Gwaine said.

"Sounds good, I'll see what I can do," Arthur said, before wandering back to the congregation. 

The wake was as he expected: distant family he didn't know asking him how he was doing and saying kind things about his mother, which Arthur doubted they meant. He always thought people could seem so false at these sorts of things. He was about to make his escape when Morgana sat on the chair next to his. She looked as beautiful as ever, stunning in her black dress and formidable with her hair pulled back.

"So how long are you staying before you run away again?" she asked.

"A week," Arthur said.

"That long, wow," she said, rolling her eyes at him.

"Fuck off Morgana, you know I hate it here" Arthur said, his tone even and lacking any heat.

Morgana sat beside him in silence for a moment. "Your mother redid the bathroom," she said.

"That’s nice?" Arthur said confused.

"She redid the bathroom, before she drowned," Morgana said.

"Well at least she died in a nice new bath then," Arthur said, shaking his head at her in disgust.

"No I mean... look your mum never showed an interest in anything did she? She’d just sit there in her wheelchair every day staring out of the window. Then all of a sudden, she wanted to do up the bathroom. Don't you think-"

"Just leave it Morgana, it doesn't matter now does it?" he asked, running a hand through his hair.

"I suppose not," she said, although she looked like she wanted to say more on the matter.

"I'm going to head out, to get some fresh air," he told her, standing up to walk away.

She hesitated but let him go, getting up to go speak to someone else. Arthur walked out of the room, ignoring everyone who tried to talk to him, making his way to the garage. He took his bike, not wanting George to inform his father of where he had gone.

    

Arthur had been riding down the old familiar winding roads for ten minutes when a police car pulled up behind him, flashing its lights. Arthur cursed and pulled over, taking off his helmet; he had kept to the speed limit. The police officer stepped out of the car and walked up to him.

"I knew it was you Arthur," the man said, "only you’d be biking down from the big house," he added.

"Lance," Arthur said, smiling as he recognised his old friend, another one he had not seen since he had left, "how are you?"

"Oh I'm fine, upholding the law the usual. How are you, you doing alright?" Lance asked, concern in his voice.

It was amazing how Lance never questioned why Arthur had not been in contact. He spoke to him as if it had been days not years since they had last seen each other.

"I'm fine," Arthur said, "how long’s your shift? I'm off to Gwaine's pub to catch up, you should join us," he suggested.

"Ah not tonight I'm afraid, I have to get back to Gwen and Gareth, but another time maybe?" He said.

"Yeah I'm here for the week," Arthur said, "you and Gwen huh? Still going strong?"

"You got an invite to the wedding Arthur," Lance reminded him.

"Yeah I got the invite..."

"It's alright, I'm not cross," Lance said.

A voice crackled over his radio and Lance turned away to answer it. Arthur put his helmet back on and started the bike.

"I have to get going," Lance said, "but have fun at the Dragon, I'll see you later in the week," he said before going back to the police car.

The Red Dragon was just off the small high street, which the town possessed. It was a small and shabby looking establishment, very different from the upscale bars of New York, but it suited Gwaine perfectly.

"Pendragon you made it!" Gwaine shouted from behind the bar, "lock the door Percy everyone's here!"

Percy stepped forward smiling and reached above Arthur's head, sliding the bolt shut.

"Er why are you locking the door?" Arthur asked confused.

"It's Sunday, we always have a lock in on Sunday," Gwaine said, jumping over the bar and clapping him on the shoulder.

He pulled him towards a booth.

"That sounds like a fantastic business plan," Arthur said, sitting beside Leon.

"I get by," Gwaine said, laughing, "so do you remember the old gang? Leon, Elyan, Percy, Elena," he said, sweeping his arm around the table. "Oh and this is Mordred he's our pet," he said, ruffling the hair of a younger looking man and passing out glasses.

Arthur eyed the many bottles of spirits in the centre of the table and wondered where this night would go. It had been a long time since he had been drunk, with company at least.

"I'm not his pet," Mordred said, "I work here during the holidays. When it's open, a rare thing these days," he said.

Arthur nodded at him.

"So yeah everyone’s here except Gwen and Lance who are dead boring now," Gwaine said, rolling his eyes and pouring everyone a large measure of whiskey.

"They have a kid now Gwaine you can't expect them to come here with Gary?" Elena asked.

"Don't see why not we let Mordred in here and he's about twelve," Gwaine said.

"I'm am twenty-fucking-one!" Mordred yelled, downing his whisky and grabbing the bottle off Gwaine. It appeared his baby face was a sore issue for him.

"Alright, alright," Leon said, picking up his glass, "Gwaine’s just jealous because in ten years’ time he's going to look pretty haggard from this lifestyle he leads and you'll still look fresh-faced and youthful."

"Plus you do have a baby face," Elyan said.

"Must run in the family, I still want to pinch Merlin's cheeks whenever I see him," Elena said.

"Yeah I'm sure he'd appreciate that," Mordred muttered into his glass.

"Where is ickle Merlin?" Leon asked

"Er… I think he’s playing online games or writing, you know the usual," Mordred guessed. "Plus he’s older than me so best not call him ‘ickle Merlin’."

Arthur was enjoying watching the others teasing Mordred who was clearly the baby of the group.

"So Pendragon, I don't mean to be crass, but I was wondering if your sister is in town for the funeral?" Gwaine asked.

Leon snorted into his beer, but he was blushing slightly.

"Morgana?" Arthur asked, taking a sip of his drink. "Yeah she's here, she's going to help with dad," he said, "she visits most weekends though," he added.

"What?" Gwaine asked, looking surprised at this information, "Well why didn't you bring her?"

"Why would I?" Arthur asked confused, he knew Morgana was friends with Gwen but did not think she hung out with the rest of the gang.

"So Gwaine could bang her," Elena said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

She jumped up when Leon knocked over his glass, getting beer all over the table. He excused himself to fetch a towel from the bar.

"Oh," Arthur said, "I'd rather you didn't."

"Yeah well she is bloody fit," Gwaine said, waggling his eyebrows.

"Good luck with that pursuit," Arthur said, grinning to himself at the thought of Gwaine being shot down by Morgana.

Leon returned to the table. "You should be more respectful about Arthur's sister," he said, wiping up the mess.

"What? You can bloody talk," Gwaine said in alarm. He looked at Leon as if he'd grown a second head.

"They're both as bad as one another when it comes to your sister," Elena said, giggling to herself, "they've been chasing after her since you left."

"Have not," Leon said, shaking his head.

“Have too, they have some sort of pact or agreement, I don’t know the full details,” Elena insisted.

The conversation turned to topics which he was not familiar with having been away, but the alcohol was spreading warmth through Arthur. He was just happy to sit there and listen to the group chatter around him. It was a nice to know he still had friends.

"Right enough of that!" Gwaine said loudly, "Arthur’s feeling left out," he said wrapping an arm around Arthur’s neck and shaking him lightly. "So let’s play a drinking game."

Elena groaned.

"But I’m already drunk," Mordred said.

Elyan nodded in agreement.

"Bloody lightweights," Leon said, pouring out shots of tequila.

"Let’s play I never," Gwaine suggested.

"No!" Elena and Mordred shouted in unison.

"Spin the bottle?"

"No one wants to kiss you Gwaine," Percy said.

"Fuck off Percy I know you want these lips," Gwaine said, "Truth or Dare?"

"Boring," Leon said.

"Alright, alright. Mordred you’re a student what do you and your friends play at Uni?"

"Er… Mario Kart," Mordred said.

"Ok how do you play?"

"It’s a video game you twit, get a computer for Christ sakes," Percy said, hitting Gwaine over the head.

"Oh, what sort of student are you?" Gwaine asked Mordred.

"The uncool kind clearly," Mordred said.

Elena leant over and ruffled his hair.

"You Emrys boys," Gwaine muttered, "no drinking games then?"

"We could play poker, make it into a drinking game," Arthur suggested.

"I like your thinking," Gwaine said, slamming a hand on the table. "Strip poker, I’ll get the cards," he said standing up and swaying.

"I never said strip," Arthur said.

"Don’t try and argue," Leon said, laughing at Arthur’s expression, "you know Gwaine, any excuse to take his clothes off."

"I dunno though, I reckon Elena’ll give him a run for his money," Percy added.

Elena threw her empty shot glass at him, but he ducked avoiding it.

"Getting feisty are we El?" Gwaine said as he returned with a deck of cards.

He sat at the table and began to deal out the cards.

Thankfully, Arthur was good at poker, even drunk, so all he lost was his shoes and socks. In the end he bowed out of the game, leaning back in his seat and watching Gwaine and Leon battling it out in their underwear. He took one last sip of his drink before resting his head on the table and closing his eyes.


	2. Cat Scans and Compulsive Lies

Arthur woke up with a start from a dreamless sleep, it was the first time in many years that he had not dreamt. He looked around and took in his surroundings, he was still in the pub having dozed off in the booth where he had been sitting all night. Elyan was asleep, his head on the bar. There appeared to be no one else there. Arthur groaned and stretched before standing up, his head was fuzzy and his throat dry. The only thing available to drink was alcohol, the thought of which made his stomach turn. He rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand and pulled out his mobile when it buzzed. It was a text message from his father.

_I have no idea where you are but you have an appointment with Gaius this morning at 11._

Arthur checked his watch, it read half-past ten. The little hospital where Gaius worked was on the high street. Arthur took one last glance around the pub but there was no sign of Gwaine, who was either upstairs unconscious or otherwise trying to woo his sister. So he exited the pub and walked to the hospital, stopping at the newsagents for a RedBull and a newspaper.

When he arrived at the hospital the receptionist sent him to a deserted waiting room with a pile of forms to fill out his details. He sat on the hard plastic chair, placing the forms and the newspaper on the little table beside him. Looking around the room he noted that there was one other person in the room, a dark-haired boy sitting across the room from him. The boy was wearing large blue headphones and had his eyes closed, nodding his head in time to the music. His eyes snapped open and blue eyes met his before Arthur looked down at his drink, missing the smile the boy threw his way. Arthur rolled the can around in his hand a few times before snapping the top. It shocked him when his drink exploded, spraying him with the sugary liquid.

"Fuck," Arthur cursed.

Headphone boy laughed, his chuckles echoing around the empty waiting room.

"Next time you should tap the top before you open it," he suggested, he was shouting due to the music.

He realised this and took his headphones off, grinning at Arthur.

"I'll bear that in mind," Arthur said, placing the can on the table and picking up his forms.

But before he started to fill them in headphone boy came to sit beside him.

"You still thirsty?" he asked rummaging through his bag and pulling out a bottle of water and tissues.

"No thanks," Arthur said, but he took a tissue and wiped his face.

He looked down and continued filling in his forms aware that headphone boy was watching him over his shoulder.

"Arthur Pendragon," he said, as he read the form, "I guess your dad's big man Uther then?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Oh! I know who you are! Were you really sent away to America? Because you had a mental breakdown?" the boy asked.

Arthur stared at him, he could not believe this guy's audacity. "No." He said.

"It's cool if you were, I had a cousin who used to scream at the jam in Tesco’s. She got taken away, not to America though," headphone boy said.

Arthur just stared.

"I'm serious," he said.

"Ok," Arthur said, he did not know what else to say. "What are you listening to?" he asked instead.

"The Shins, you like them?" Headphones asked.

"Never heard of them," Arthur said.

At this he knelt up on his chair and placed the headphones on Arthur's head ignoring Arthur's spluttering protest at his total disregard for personal space. Arthur found his eyes closing as he listened to the eerie music, but when he realised they snapped back open and he took the headphones off, handing them back.

"Good right? I'm Merlin by the way," the boy said.

"Mordred's brother?" Arthur doubted there were two Merlin’s in this small town.

"Yep, so you know Mordy then?"

"He works at my friend’s bar. How old are you then? We were discussing Mordred’s young face last night," Arthur asked.

"Twenty-nine," Merlin said without hesitation.

"Fuck off there's no way you are older than me," Arthur argued.

"Nah I'm twenty-three," Merlin said, grinning.

"Yeah? Well you look about fifteen," Arthur said.

"You're just jealous of my youthful good looks," Merlin said unoffended, "my mum says it’s the ears, they give me an air of innocence," he added.

"Is that why the headphones are so big?" Arthur asked, folding the forms when he realised Merlin was still looking at them.

"Ha-ha! Brilliant! What are you in for then?" Merlin said, gesturing at the forms.

"That’s a bit personal… I've been getting headaches," Arthur said, not knowing why. "You?"

"Waiting for a friend," Merlin said.

The nurse came in at that point to collect Arthur and take him to Dr Freeman, but before they left the room she turned back to Merlin.

"Dr Brown will see you in a minute," she said.

Arthur stared at Merlin who shrugged and grinned at him.

Dr Freeman, or Gaius as he insisted on being called because apparently he had known Arthur since he was young, was a different doctor to Dr Muirden. For a start, he seemed concerned about the number of antidepressants Arthur was taking.

"And you've been on a form of SNRIs since you were twelve?" he asked sounding worried.

"Yes," Arthur said.

"You've never stopped taking them?"

"No."

Gaius looked at the computer screen before him, and then to the forms Arthur had filled out again.

"Now I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm a neurologist and I can't say for definite that the drugs are causing your headaches, but I think you should definitely consider seeing a new psychiatrist and discuss taking a break from the meds."

"Yeah I'd like that," Arthur said.

"I'm sure you would. Dr Muirden is an esteemed London shrink now, but I've never been happy with how he hands out drugs," Gaius said. "I'm going to run a CT scan of your head but I'm sure nothing's wrong. The headaches are likely due to stress. I want you to come and see me at the end of the week if you're around," he said.

"I will," Arthur said.

After the scan, which revealed nothing, Arthur left the hospital and jumped on his bike. He got ready to set off when he spotted Merlin at the bus stop outside the hospital. He moved the bike over to the shelter pulling up alongside the bench where Merlin was sitting. Merlin took off his massive headphones and looked up at him, his eyes challenging.

"Why were you there?" Arthur asked

"I was charging, I'm a robot see?" Merlin said, moving his arms in a jerky fashion.

"Do you lie a lot?" Arthur asked.

"Depends, what do you consider a lot?" Merlin said.

"Enough for people to call you a liar," Arthur said. He shifted in his seat to get more comfortable.

"People call me lots of things," Merlin said.

"Is one of them liar?" Arthur asked not letting the matter drop.

"I could say no. But how do you know I'm not lying?" Merlin said.

"I could choose to trust you," Arthur said.

"Can you do that?" Merlin asked.

"I can try," Arthur said.

Merlin stood up and looked over the bike, pulling his rucksack onto his shoulder.

"Whose bike is that?" he asked.

"Mine," Arthur said, he was honest unlike this odd person, who for all he knew had a grave mental disease. "I bought it second hand and put it back together myself," he said.

"So are you going to offer me a ride home?" Merlin asked him.

Arthur looked Merlin up and down, assessing his threat level.

"Do you want a ride home?" he asked when he deemed Merlin safe. Mental or not Arthur was sure he could handle himself against the scrawny young man before him.

"I suppose," Merlin said, sighing and rolling his eyes, as if he hadn't suggested the idea.

Merlin climbed onto the bike behind Arthur and pulled an odd white plastic helmet out his bag, fastening it shut before wrapping his arms round Arthur's waist.

"Hold on tight," Arthur said.

"Holding tight," Merlin said, leaning forward and pressing against him.

"That's a pretty goofy helmet," Arthur said, turning back to look at Merlin as they wound through the quiet streets.

"My boyfriend was going to pick me up, he rides a Kawasaki and it's way faster than this," Merlin said.

"Yeah but what kind of helmet is that?" Arthur asked, looking back again. "It's not a motorcycle helmet."

"You can wear it on a bike. How’s your head?" Merlin asked, changing the subject.

"I'll live," Arthur said.

"Turn left here," Merlin said, waving his left arm.

Instead, Arthur slowed at the crossroads.

"Are you doing anything right now?" he asked.

"Care to elaborate?" Merlin said.

"My friend Leon lives in a big house right by here, and he invited me over to discuss business proposals but I don't want to stay too long. So I'm thinking if you come too, I could say I'm ready to take you home when I want to leave," Arthur said. He didn't want to spend too much time hanging around Leon's house talking money.

"That's cheeky Arthur, nice to meet you Merlin can I use you? That'll be the Americans making you ruthless I suppose," Merlin said.

"We could have a signal, let’s say if you pull on your ear I can say ‘Oh I've got to go I'm taking Merlin home’," Arthur said.

"Can we have code names too?" Merlin asked.

"If you want," Arthur said, it was like pleasing a child.

"Ok I'll be wizard and you can be king. Don't try and kidnap me though, because my dad's in the army and he'll track you down and kill you," Merlin said.

"You're such a liar," Arthur said, shaking his head.

Arthur could not believe that Leon was happy living alone in his in his parent’s old house but he seemed to be. It appeared spending his days wandering around his manor was starting to become boring, he was aware that he was getting too old for the party lifestyle. After giving Merlin and Arthur a quick tour of the house, Leon took them into the sitting room where he proceeded to complain about the woes of his life.

"So you see Arthur, I have all this money and no idea what to do with it," he said.

Arthur grinned when Merlin snorted into his cup of tea at that statement.

"I thought you said you had a business proposal?" Arthur asked, ignoring Merlin tugging at his ear.

"Yes, I may have exaggerated, you know how I get when I’m drunk," Leon said.

"Well you’re not going to find anything in this town," Arthur said.

"How about London?" Leon asked. "Is your ear alright Merlin?" he asked concerned.

Merlin nodded startled and scowled at Arthur.

"Plenty of opportunity in London, New York could also be a viable option," Arthur said.

"Yes but Morgana’s in London isn’t she?" Leon asked.

"Er yeah," Arthur said. "Does everyone fancy my sister?" he asked.

"I don’t," Merlin offered, "Plus she’s scary," he said.

"She’s too old for you anyway ickle Merlin," Leon said.

"Whatever, she likes me more than you and Gwaine anyway," Merlin said.

"I agree, I bet she finds you adorable," Arthur said, nudging Merlin with his foot.

Merlin beamed at him.

"Do you want me to speak to my father?" Arthur asked Leon. "Maybe you could invest in the firm," he suggested.

"Could you? That would be great," Leon said, smiling, "so would you like to stay for dinner?"

"I can’t I’m afraid, I promised I’d take Merlin home," Arthur said.

"Ah ok, well I’m having a party tomorrow, you could come?" Leon asked, "you and Mordred are welcome too," he said to Merlin.

"I’m sure I can make it," Arthur said, he didn't have the busiest of schedule.

"Yeah I’ll talk to Mordy," Merlin said.

"Excellent," Leon said.

"God Leon can go on about money," Merlin muttered as they walked toward the bike.

Arthur found himself smiling at Merlin's grumbling, as he put on his helmet.

 Merlin lived near Leon so it only took them ten minutes to get to his house, Arthur pulled up on Merlin’s drive and walked him to the door. He observed Merlin’s fidgety disposition.

"Am I the first boy you've brought home Merlin?" Arthur asked.

"No, but I lied to you before when I said my boyfriend rides a Kawasaki," Merlin said.

"He doesn't bike?" Arthur asked, leaning against the door.

"I don't have a boyfriend but he might ride a Kawasaki, wherever he is," Merlin said grinning.

"Wow, this is a great first impression Merlin," Arthur said.

"Alright so sometimes I lie, I'm an odd duck ok? And it's random stuff too, I don't even know why I do it. It’s a compulsion, I hear myself saying it and I think why did I say that?" Merlin said, peering at Arthur and trying to gauge his reaction.

"So how do people know what’s real?" Arthur asked.

"I always feel bad afterwards and admit the lies, you can trust that." Merlin said.

"Just open the door," Arthur said, rolling his eyes.

The front door to Merlin's house opened right into the living room. Arthur looked around; the place seemed more lived in than his house, there was clutter, but not mess. Arthur grinned when he saw the framed photos of Merlin on the mantelpiece, he took a step forward but Merlin grabbed his wrist.

"Ah bit soon for baby photos," he said, pulling Arthur back.

"Merlin? Merlin is that you?" a woman called out.

"Yeah mum I'm home," Merlin shouted back.

A small kind looking woman came rushing out of a room Arthur presumed to be the kitchen, from the soapy pan she was holding and the apron she wore.

"How was your appointment?" she asked Merlin.

Merlin shrugged.

"Oh hello," she said, noticing Arthur and wiping her hand on her apron before offering it to him, "I'm Hunith, Merlin's mum," she said.

"Arthur," he said, shaking her hand.

"Nice to meet you dear, Merlin the appointment?" she asked.

"Later mum," Merlin muttered embarrassed.

"Fine," Hunith said. "Dinner will be ready in an hour," she informed him, "are you staying Arthur?"

"Er..." Arthur looked at Merlin who just smiled at him. "If it's not too much trouble."

"Nonsense, you boys amuse yourselves," she said. "Oh and keep it quiet, Mordy has a hangover," she told them.

"It's five in the afternoon," Merlin said.

"Yes well you can blame Gwaine for that," she said, shaking her head and walking back into the kitchen.

"Come on, let's go to my room," Merlin said, tugging Arthur upstairs by his hand.

Unlike the living room, Merlin's room was a mess: clothes, books, magazines and papers everywhere. Merlin walked over to an actual record player and put on an LP. It filled the room with more eerie music that Arthur did not recognise, but which sounded like the stuff he had heard at the clinic. Merlin made space for them to sit on the bed by shoving a pile of clothes onto the floor. Arthur raised an eyebrow but said nothing, sitting beside Merlin who sat cross-legged and watching him.

"Mordred isn't my real brother you know," Merlin said.

"Really?"

"Yeah I rescued him from a well and when we found out he had no parents my mum adopted him, because she's cool," Merlin said.

"A well Merlin?" Arthur asked, prodding him.

"Ok no. He was the first friend I made when I moved here.  He used to stay over all the time. After a while he just sort of started living here, he doesn't have any parents and the foster home was horrible so mum took him in," Merlin said.

"He looks like you though," Arthur said, still doubting Merlin.

"I know, it's weird huh? Everybody just assumes we're related, they forget that we're not. Even mum sometimes," Merlin said, "do you believe me?"

"I suppose, it's hardly an exciting lie is it?"

Merlin just laughed.

"So your room is..."

"Yeah I know it's a mess, I gave up on trying to keep it tidy a long time ago," Merlin said.

"I can tell," Arthur said, looking around the room again.

He looked up at the sketches which covered the walls, he spotted a dragon and a forest, and what looked like a knight in armour.

"Did you draw those?" he asked.

"Er... yeah," Merlin said.

"Can I?" Arthur said, standing up but waiting for Merlin's permission.

"Ok," Merlin said.

Arthur took the picture of the dragon, it was beautiful, drawn with such vivid detail that Arthur could make out the tiny scales.

"This is good, are you into dungeons and dragons then?" he asked.

Merlin shook his head and watched Arthur for a moment, before getting up and going to his desk drawer. He opened it and pulled out what looked like a sketchbook.

"Don't laugh," he whispered, handing over the book.

Arthur took it, opening it and flicking through it. The book contained writing and pictures, Arthur scanned through the words and realised it was a story, about the boy prince Arthur and his wizard friend Merlin.

 

  

"You wrote this?" he asked.

"Yeah," Merlin said, looking at Arthur.

Arthur ignored him and went to sit on the bed again, still reading. Merlin hovered by the desk, fidgeting for a moment before re-joining Arthur on the bed.

"Look I know-"

"It's for children right?" Arthur asked.

"Yes and I know-"

"It's very good," Arthur said, cutting him off again, he turned a page and continued to read.

"Wait what?"

"I presume you were going to say something about writing kids stories not being cool or worthwhile. You don't need to defend this to me, books for children are important and this is wonderful. Stories like this will encourage kids to read," Arthur said, looking up at him.

"Yeah?" Merlin asked, his cheeks pink.

"Yeah."

"Mordred thinks I'm silly, and Mum is supportive, but I know she thinks I won't ever get anywhere. At school I got A*s in everything, the teachers said I could be a doctor or a scientist. It disappointed them when I chose creative writing at Uni, but I can’t stop it. I love to write," Merlin said, before jumping up and pulling a box out from under the bed.

"Perhaps it's why you're so good at lying," Arthur said.

"Maybe," Merlin said.

He got the box out and pulled it closer to Arthur before opening it, there were more books like the one Arthur was holding.

"Oh my god," Arthur whispered.

"I know," Merlin said, shrugging. "I've been writing these for years now," he said.

"But... are they all about dragons and wizards?" he asked amazed.

"Oh no, I write about everything. That's just the one I've been writing at the moment. Bit of a funny coincidence with you turning up," he said.

He pulled out a book.

"This one’s about Mordred an emo wizard who has trouble making friends at wizard school," Merlin said, passing it to Arthur.

"I bet he loves that," Arthur said, looking through and smiling at the sketches of a pouty faced Mordred, with a black pointy hat and eyeliner.

"Oh and there's one about Gwaine. He's a knight in this, I made one for most of the gang. They love them. Then I've done some about dragons, and horses and lions and tigers, because who doesn't love animals? Oh and aliens I've got them covered too," Merlin said looking through the box.

"Wow," Arthur said, "have you got anything published yet?"

"No, I've sent stuff to loads of places but they never get back to me," Merlin said, "it doesn't matter though, I won't stop. I don't care about money, I just want them to be read. Elyan prints them out at work for me sometimes and I give them to the primary school, the kids really like them."

"You're very odd Merlin," Arthur said.

"Is that good or bad?"

"I don't know," Arthur said, "good I think."

Merlin stared at him and then took the book out of his hands placing it back into the box.

"So how come you're back in England?" he asked as he pushed the box away and sat back on the bed.

"My mum died, I came back for the funeral and to check on my dad," Arthur said. "It’s weird to say that out loud."

"I'm so sorry, shit," Merlin whispered.

"I'm alright with it, in a way I think it’s what she wanted," Arthur said.

"How'd she die?" Merlin asked.

"She drowned," Arthur said.

Merlin looked horrified.

"My mother was a paraplegic," Arthur continued. "She was in a wheelchair. They told me she slipped in the bath."

"When?"

"A few days ago."

"That’s so sad," Merlin whispered, sniffing.

"Don't cry Merlin, it was _my_ mother," Arthur said.

"I'm not crying," Merlin said, but he looked devastated.

"Hey, look we weren't that close ok, I'm fine," Arthur said, trying to reassure Merlin.

"Sorry, I'm not helping you," Merlin said. "My mum always says I feel too much."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"Sometimes, come on let's go get dinner," Merlin said, grabbing Arthur's wrist and tugging him, out of the bedroom.

As they descended the stairs Merlin's hand still on his arm. Arthur realised it had been a long time since he had allowed anyone into his personal space like this but he didn’t mind.

"In here," Merlin said as they entered the living room again. "We er... don't have a dining room, and er... the table's out of commission." He said, gesturing toward the small table in the corner of the room, covered in papers.

"My mum's a bank-robber; those are blueprints," Merlin said, "are you ok to eat on the sofa?" he asked.

"Yeah that's fine," Arthur said, ignoring the blatant lie. "I always eat on the sofa back in New York," he said.

"Really?" Merlin asked, sitting down and patting the space next to him, "I had you pegged for a fancy restaurant type."

"Kind of sad eating in restaurants alone," Arthur said, "what does your mum do?" he asked.

"Teacher, that's homework," Merlin said.

"Truth?"

"Truth, that would be a boring lie," Merlin said, looking at Arthur.

"Here we are dears, Shepherd’s Pie," Hunith said, walking into the room with two loaded plates, she handed them over, "do you think I should wake Mordy?"

"No I doubt he'll want to eat," Merlin said before shovelling a forkful of pie into his mouth.

"Good point," Hunith said, going back into the kitchen and returning with her own dinner.

She sat in the armchair next to the sofa. Arthur eyed the plate warily before tucking in, but it was very good.

"So Arthur, are you new to the area?" Hunith asked.

"Er... no I'm from here but I've been living in America for the past eleven years," he said.

"Oh? What brings you home then?" Hunith asked.

"Funeral."

"Ah, I'm sorry to hear that Arthur dear," Hunith said, letting the matter drop.

They ate in silence for a while.

"Why do you have a Christmas tree up in October?" Arthur asked, eyeing the offending tree.

"It's been up since last year," Merlin said, "it's too late to take it down now."

"I guess," Arthur said.

"Bet you think we're weird," Merlin said, grinning at him.

"I already thought you were weird though," Arthur said. "What with the lack of respect for personal space, the lying and the fact you carry a goofy helmet around with no bike," he teased.

Merlin pouted.

"He's got you down dearie," Hunith said, chuckling.

"Whatever," Merlin said, looking at his dinner.

"Time is it?" A bedraggled looking Mordred asked as he wandered into the living room, yawning widely.

"Six dear, dinner’s in the oven," Hunith said.

"Thanks," Mordred said, heading into the kitchen.

As Arthur sat there eating dinner with the very odd family, he listened to Merlin and Mordred bickering about video games. He could not help thinking how different his life could have been if his mother had not been so depressed, so despondent. There was an ache in his heart as he watched Merlin's easy smiles, but it was a nice hurt. He wondered if this was what he had been missing out on, doped up these past years.

Arthur stayed at Merlin’s house until early evening, enjoying the sense of family there. He felt welcomed and that he belonged, so much so that he did not want to leave.

When he got home that night, he went straight to his room feeling exhausted. But before he got into bed he went into the little bathroom and took out his pill bottles. He scowled at them for a moment before flickingthe tops and pouring them into the toilet. Arthur smiled to himself as he flushed them away, he felt lighter somehow. He didn't know if it was the pills leaving his system or the brightness that was Merlin. 


	3. Waking Up

Arthur blinked awake as the weak English sunlight filtered into his room. He stretched and shook his head to clear away the remnants of the dream he had been having. It was not his regular horrifying plane crash; rather something much softer. Arthur couldn’t remember much of it but he was sure a certain cheeky smiled, large eared man had featured heavily.

Arthur shook his head again and got out of bed; he pulled on his joggers and a light t-shirt planning on going for a run. However, Morgana accosted him wearing an expression of someone on a mission. She stopped him as soon as he left his bedroom.

"Good morning Arthur, will you join me for breakfast?" she asked.

Arthur stared at her for a moment. "Er no... I don't eat breakfast this early," he replied in surprise.

She frowned at this. "Just this once Arthur please, I need to talk to you," she pushed, folding her arms across her chest, clearly not planning on taking no for an answer.

Arthur nodded and followed her to the breakfast room, fidgeting as he walked beside her. He was uncomfortable and restless.

Of course Morgana noticed this right away. "Are you alright?" She asked, regarding him as they entered the room.

Arthur blinked at her, his brain felt even more sluggish than usual. "What?" He replied as he sat down opposite her.

He poured himself a glass of water from the jug and waited for her to speak.

Morgana regarded him, taking in the way he was sitting, tapping his foot and drumming his fingers on the table. "You seem agitated," she observed.

Arthur shrugged. "I wanted to go for a run," he said, trying not to sound whiney.

"Oh right," Morgana replied, looking disappointed. "I wanted to talk to you about father," she added.

Arthur nodded. "Ok go ahead," he said, gesturing for her to explain herself.

"He's gone in to work. To London," she told him.

"Well that's good right? Trying to get things back to normal?" Arthur asked.

"No it's not good," she snapped, but then she softened. "Not really, I'm worried about him. He seems so _lost_ ," she said, "I thought he’d be ok, with your mother being the way she was…"

Arthur watched her for a moment. "I'll talk to him when he gets back this evening, yeah?" he said.

Morgana smiled at that. "Promise?"

"Alright," he agreed.

"Are you going to Leon's party tonight?" she asked, changing topics.

"Yeah, why are you?"

Morgana snorted. "I doubt it, I think I'm past drunken house parties don't you?" she asked, smirking.

Arthur grinned at her. "Aw Leon will be disappointed, as will Gwaine for that matter," he joked.

Morgana frowned at him. She leant forward in her chair and squinted at him, as if she was trying to find something.

Arthur leant back. "What?" he asked.

"You seem different," she said.

"Different how?"

She pursed her lips. "I don't know, just different," she said.

"Bad?"

"Good," she said smiling at him, "I could put in an appearance, for a bit. It'll be nice to party with my baby brother," she said.

Arthur stood up from the table. "Ha ha, I'm going to go for my run now. I'll see you in a bit."

"Have fun," Morgana said, opening up her newspaper.

 

Arthur was jogging through the park, keeping a gentle pace when he spotted Gwaine lounging on a bench. He had run into town and was planning to loop the park before heading back, but he detoured and made his way over to Gwaine.

"Hey," Gwaine said, looking up at him. 

Arthur sat down beside him. "Hey," he said, "not working today?"

Gwaine frowned. "I run a pub Arthur," he said.

Arthur snorted. "Y'know Gwaine quite a few pubs open during the day," he said.

"Mine's not that sort of place. I'm open eight till kick out, most days a week," Gwaine informed him.

Arthur raised an eyebrow. "Most days?"

"Yeah like tonight is Leon's thing, so I won't open. You can come by for a few though, before we head up the manor if you like," Gwaine said.

"Do you even make any money?" Arthur asked him.

Gwaine thought about his answer for a moment. "Not really, I bought the place with the money my dad left me, and I've still got plenty left. It's too quiet around here to run it as a business, but I still get a few customers," he said.

"Fair enough."

"We can't all be workaholics like you Pendragon," Gwaine said.

Arthur shifted in his seat, "I'm not a workaholic," he argued.

"Arthur you work so hard you haven't been home for ten years," Gwaine said, shaking his head.

"Nine."

"Oh nine that's so much better-"

"And it's not because of work," Arthur said, interrupting him.

Gwaine watched him for a moment. "Yeah I know. It's 'cause you went mental and ran away to the states," he said.

"I'm not mental," Arthur said.

"We're all a bit mental in this town Arthur mate," Gwaine said, smiling at him.

Arthur grinned back as he thought of Merlin. "Tell me about it," he agreed.

"Ooh, who else is mental?" Gwaine asked. "I guess you would know them."

"I met this guy at the hospital, Merlin-"

Gwaine cut him off. "Ah Merlin’s great, he's not mental," he said, a hint of warning in his voice.

"I know he's not, but he's pretty odd," Arthur tried to explain.

"The compulsive lying thing," Gwaine suggested.

"Yeah. No the lying thing doesn’t bother me. He's just so chatty and friendly, he seems so comfortable," Arthur said.

"Comfortable?"

"Yeah I don’t know, comfortable around strangers. I only met him yesterday and he invited me round for dinner," Arthur said. "And he kept touching me."

Gwaine raised an eyebrow. "Well that's Merlin for you, I mean let's face it he adopted Mordy when he was fifteen. This was like a week after he turned up," he told him.

"A week?" Arthur asked.

"Alright a month maybe," Gwaine said.

Arthur thought about it for a while; for anyone else it might seem odd, but for Merlin it made sense. He cared about people, he had cried for Arthur’s mother after all, something which Arthur himself had not yet managed.

"Took him longer to warm to me though." Gwaine said, stopping Arthur's thoughts.

"Sensible man," Arthur said. "Why does he lie?" he asked.

"I don't know, Mordred knows more, I tried to ask once, I pushed a little bit. I wish I hadn't. It was the first time I've seen Merlin look sad and I couldn’t bear to be the cause of that.

"I left it alone after that if Merlin wants to lie, let him lie. Something happened in his past, wherever it is he came from and lying helps him deal with it."

"It might be trust issues, the lying thing," Arthur suggested, "but as long as he’s dealing with his… stuff, I don’t mind a few lies," he said.

Gwaine smiled at him. Arthur felt like he’d passed a test.

"He works in the library," Gwaine informed him.

"So?"

Gwaine shrugged. "Dunno, you could go say hello," he said.

Arthur looked at his watch. "Well it is almost lunchtime," he said, more to himself than Gwaine.

"You remember where the library is?" Gwaine asked.

Arthur stood up. "Yeah, you going to sit here all day?" he asked.

"Just a bit longer," Gwaine said, leaning back against the bench and closing his eyes.

"I'll swing by yours before the party then yeah?"

"Okay," Gwaine said.

Arthur doubled back and exited the park the way he had entered, heading back toward the high street. The library was an old building, once a Corn Exchange back when the town had a market. The age of the building made it look far grander than it was. Arthur had still enjoyed spending time there as a child, loving the quiet space away from home. He was not surprised to find the place empty, all the kids would still be in school. He couldn't think of anyone else that would use the library in this town.

Arthur looked around, the front desk was empty, but he soon spotted Merlin in his goofy helmet, sorting through what looked like returned books. Arthur approached him, walking round the trolley to stand facing Merlin. Merlin looked up and his smile widened as he realised it was Arthur standing there.

"Arthur, how did you know I'd be here?" he asked, knocking over a pile of books in his excitement.

Arthur bent down to retrieve them and placed them back on the desk. "Gwaine told me I'd find you here," he said. "Why are you wearing your helmet in a library?" He asked.

"Librarian is a very dangerous job and because I have such potential as I writer I've had my head insured. A condition of my policy is that I wear a helmet in case of any falling books," Merlin said.

Arthur smirked. "Even though I know that is a lie, I can believe the library would implement rules that you wear a helmet because you’re clumsy." He said, gesturing at the books Merlin had knocked onto the floor.

Merlin shuffled. "Yeah it’s something like that," he mumbled, looking at his feet.

Arthur thought he may have gotten too close to the truth on that matter, "You alright?" he asked concerned.

Merlin shook himself and his smile was back.

"Yep fine," he said.

"Is being happy all the time a lie too?" Arthur asked.

"Why are you here Arthur?" Merlin asked, fiddling with the strap on his helmet.

"I’m sorry," Arthur said carefully. "I wondered if you might like to grab some lunch?" he asked.

"Oh." Merlin smile brightened, seeming more genuine. "Er... my mum packed me a lunch but we could share it," he said.

Arthur hesitated. "Ok," he said.

"Great," Merlin said, climbing over the trolley and rushing to the door, to flip the sign.

Arthur watched him as he weaved around the bookshelves. "Can you do that?" he asked.

"Yeah, I don't often though. I eat at the desk, hey come on" he said, waving Arthur over to his desk.

Merlin sat down behind the desk, so that he couldn't be seen from the door and pulled out a kid’s Doctor Who lunchbox, Arthur joined him.

"A packed lunch Merlin?" he asked.

Merlin just laughed. "What? You've eaten my mum's food. Why would I pay for some rubbish salad crap from Tesco when my mum makes the best sandwiches in the world?" he asked.

Arthur shrugged. "I suppose," he said, taking the half of Merlin's sandwich held out to him, "what is it then?"

"Honey and Philadelphia," Merlin said, tucking into his own half.

Arthur pulled a face. "Er... no way that sounds gross," he argued, trying to hand his sandwich back to Merlin.

"No it's good, try it," Merlin said with his mouth full.

Arthur warily bit into the sandwich and frowned, it was not as horrible as he had expected. It wasn’t as fancy as the pretentious sandwiches Mithian brought him at work, but it was nice. His mother had never made him silly sandwiches like this.

"Good yeah?" Merlin asked, rooting around in his lunchbox and pulling out more sandwiches, "banana and nutella," he said, handing Arthur another.

"Crikey how much lunch do you need?" Arthur asked. "Your teeth will fall out by the way," he added, testing the chocolate sandwich, but it wasn't bad.

"I get hungry," Merlin said. "Did you know Roman skulls have no cavities in the teeth because they used honey instead of sugar? I read it somewhere," he said.

"Alright, but they didn't use chocolate spread," Arthur said.

"That's true," Merlin said, finishing off his sandwich and licking chocolate spread from his fingers. "Yoghurt or apple?"

"Yoghurt please," Arthur said.

"Here," Merlin said, handing him a little plastic tube.

"What's this?"

"Frube, it's yoghurt in a tube, it's good," he said, opening the wrapper for him.

"Does Mordred take one of these lunchboxes to work? Because it might explain why Gwaine thinks he's twelve," Arthur asked.

Merlin laughed. "Why would he take a pack lunch for pub work?" he said, shoving Arthur playfully.

He fingered the strap of his helmet before unbuckling it and taking it off. He turned it over in his hands. Arthur raised an eyebrow.

"Do they really make you wear it in case books fall on your head?" he asked.

Merlin shook his head.

"Not got any lies?"

Merlin shrugged. "You never believe me," he said, frowning.

"Does anyone?" Arthur asked.

"No but, it’s different with you. No one else calls me out on it, they ignore it. You have issues right? Your mum died and you don't seem all that bothered-"

"I-"

Merlin cut him off. "And you had this mental breakdown years ago and ran away to America, right? But I'm sure you don't like talking about it," he said, "I have issues too ok? But they're in the past so I don't talk about them alright?"

"Alright, I understand, I do," Arthur said. "You coming to the party? Tonight?" he asked, trying to change the subject.

"Er... I don't-"

"Come on it'll be fun, we can have our code if you like, just tug your ear and I'll take you home," Arthur said.

"How? You'll be drunk I'm sure," Merlin said.

"I'm not an alcoholic," Arthur snapped.

Merlin looked unfazed. "Never said you were," he said, unoffended by Arthur's tone.

"My mum used to drink a lot," Arthur said. "I do too sometimes, by myself when I get tired of the monotony," he said.

Merlin placed a gentle hand on his knee. "I don't think that makes you an alcoholic yet, although you should see someone before it becomes the case," he said.

Arthur nodded in agreement. "Yeah, Dr Gaius said I need to see a shrink, a good one. Not like old Muirden, handing out pills like sweets," he said.

"Are you going to?"

"I stopped taking the pills, I flushed them all away. I want to wake up Merlin," Arthur whispered.

Merlin shuffled closer, kneeling so that his face was close to Arthur's. He rubbed a thumb over Arthur's cheek and tilted his head, angling it so he could press his lips against Arthur's, chastely.

"Wake up sleeping beauty," Merlin said in a hushed and serious tone. 

 

Arthur blinked at him before leaning forward to meet Merlin's lips again. It was a soft gentle kiss, which would have seemed rather unremarkable to most but it warmed Arthur to his very core. When he pulled back Merlin was looking at him, he was about to speak when someone started banging on the window.

"Lunchtime’s over I guess," Merlin said.

 Arthur’s shoulders slumped a little. "We could hide out down here, they wouldn't know," he suggested.

Merlin frowned at him. "Er... I'd get in trouble though," he said, sounding confused.

"From who?"

"The council," Merlin said.

"The council?" Arthur repeated.

"Yes Arthur, the local council who run the libraries in the area," Merlin said, a bemused expression on his face. "Did you think I owned the library?"

"No. I thought you were the head librarian and could do what you wanted," Arthur said, running a hand down Merlin's arm and circling his wrist.

"I'm the only librarian," Merlin said, "and I have to get back to work, ok Arthur?" he said looking at him.

Arthur shook his head to clear the daze he'd felt ever since Merlin kissed him, he looked up at Merlin.

"I feel strange," he said.

Merlin looked concerned. "Strange how?" he asked.

"I don't know, just different, but it's nice," Arthur said. "I'll head off now but I'll see you tonight yeah? Come to Gwaine's first ok?"

"Alright."

"Eightish, promise?"

"Ok Arthur I'll see you there," he said, watching as Arthur made his way to the door.

When Arthur got there, he flipped the sign and held it open, allowing the customer in first.

"Good afternoon sir, welcome to the finest library in town," he said.

"Arthur?" Merlin called from the desk.

"I'm going, see you tonight," he said, he stuck his head back through the door. "I think I feel happy Merlin," he said before leaving.

The happiness did not last all day. In fact, it seemed to start leeching away as soon as Arthur left the quiet haven of the library. Thankfully his mood didn't drop any further than its usual indifference. Arthur knew that the dark thoughts would come back, but he hoped they would hold off for a little while longer.

When he arrived home, Morgana grabbed him before he had gotten his foot in the door.

She looked about ready to throttle somebody. "Where the hell have you been? I called your mobile a hundred times!" She shouted.

Arthur had the good grace to look sheepish. "Er...  I left it here, I went to library," he said, pushing her aside so that he could get inside the house.

She allowed him inside. "The library why?" She asked following him to the kitchen.

"For lunch," he said.

She gave him a look that said she clearly thought he had had a mental breakdown. "What are you on about?" she asked.

"I had lunch with Merlin in the library," he said, as he got himself a glass of water.

"Merlin? The writer kid?" she asked.

"Yeah," Arthur said. "And he’s not a kid he’s twenty-three," he added.

She watched him expecting him to elaborate, when he did not she stamped her foot.

"I met him at the hospital yesterday and his mum made me dinner," he said. "So I thought I'd take him to lunch to repay him, but then seeing as he fed me half his packed lunch, I guess I might owe him two meals now."

She raised an eyebrow. "Ok?" She said. "You went to dinner with Merlin's family?"

"Yes."

"And then had lunch with him today?"

"Yes I told you this already," Arthur said, downing his water before placing the cool glass against his forehead, trying to relieve his headache.

"Arthur?"

"I'm fine it's already gone," Arthur said.

She placed a hand on his forehead anyway. "So you and Merlin? You're staying for a week Arthur, don't break his heart, he’s too nice for you." She said.

"He makes me feel happy Morgana," Arthur said. "I've stopped taking the drugs," he added.

Her eyes widened. "Because of Merlin?" She asked.

"No not really. Gaius, the neurologist, advised me to see a shrink, one who would stop all the prescriptions. But I decided to just stop, I'm so tired of it, of being numb," he said.

Morgana stared at him. "When?" she asked.

"I flushed them down the loo, last night when I got back," he said.

"I see," Morgana said, understanding flickered across her face for a moment but she let it go. "Father's back," she said.

"Already?"

She nodded. "They sent him home, he wasn't coping well. He just sat in his office, staring at the walls," she said.

"I'll go speak to him, let me take a shower first," Arthur said, pushing himself off the counter he'd been leaning against.

"Thank you Arthur, I’ve tried to, but he thinks I’m fussing," Morgana said, following him out to the hall, "he's in the study."

Arthur nodded. "Alright, see you in a bit," he said, heading upstairs. 

When had showered and dressed he knocked on the door to his father’s study. He pushed it open and entered without waiting for a response. He found his father sitting at his desk, leaning over it with his head in his hands.

"Father?" Arthur said, approaching Uther. "Father," he said again, giving his shoulder a shake.

Uther raised his head and looked at Arthur with red-rimmed eyes.

"I'm glad you're here Arthur," he whispered, "I'm glad you came back."

"Father you shouldn't be in here, you should rest," Arthur said, helping his father to his feet.

Uther swayed and leant against Arthur for support. "Do you know what I'd like Arthur?" he asked.

"What?"

"For you to be happy. I tried so hard to make the family perfect. And I let them fill you with drugs when you acted out, instead of just talking to you. I’m sorry son, I’m so sorry." Uther said.

"Father-"

"Have I failed you Arthur?" Uther asked.

Arthur held tight to his father as he led him upstairs. "No. No you haven’t, I promise."

Uther was a proud man, always in control so it unsettled Arthur to see him in this state. He took his father to the small upstairs sitting room that he used to share with his mother. Uther pushed the door open slowly and turned to Arthur.

"I'd like to talk to you Arthur, father to son," he said.

Arthur was not expecting that. "I would like that too father," he said, joining Uther on the sofa.

"Tell me about your life Arthur," Uther said, leaning back against the sofa.

Arthur wondered for a moment whether or not he should lie. "I don’t have one, all I do is work and sleep," he said.

Uther did not look surprised, just a little disappointed.

"It was always hard, I was in this awful state. I wasn’t depressed sure, but at the same time I found nothing interesting or exciting either," Arthur said.

"But not anymore?" Uther asked.

"I stopped taking my medication," Arthur said.

Uther looked concerned. "Is that wise?" he asked.

"A little reckless and it’s going to hit me soon. It’s going to be hard but… but I might be happy and it’ll be worth it if I can feel that," Arthur said.

Uther gave him a knowing smile. "You’ve met somebody," he guessed.

Arthur felt himself blush, he had not realised he was being so obvious. "Yes," he admitted.

Uther’s smile widened. Arthur could imagine what he was thinking; hoping that Arthur would be able to settle down and be happy. Arthur had never been in a proper relationship before, due to his inability to connect with others. There had been various one-night stands and he'd even gone on a few dates to get Mithian off his back, but he always ended up alone again.

He had known that his father had disapproved of this lifestyle, but not for the reason Arthur had expected. He remembered snapping, after his father had asked him for what seemed like the hundredth time, why he didn’t have a girlfriend. Arthur had fired back that he was gay, but Uther had instead asked why he did not have a boyfriend. It was as if he hoped his son was alone was because he was hiding in the closet rather than the fact he just couldn’t let anyone get close to him.

"What’s his name?" Uther asked, bringing Arthur’s attention back to their conversation.

"Merlin, he’s a -"

"Gaius’ Merlin?" Uther asked, his smile fading.

Arthur felt disappointed at his father’s disapproval. "Yes, Gaius is his uncle I believe."

"He’s a nice boy," Uther said.

"Do you know him?" Arthur asked surprised.

"Oh yes I’ve met him a couple of times… he’s an interesting character. Told me he was a secret agent," Uther said, chuckling.

Arthur frowned. "He’s a compulsive liar, I don’t think he can help it," he explained.

"I know Gaius explained it to me. I want you to be careful with him Arthur," Uther said.

Arthur stood up. "What? You think he’s going to hurt me? Because he has issues, father I have far more -"

Uther held up his hand. "No I don’t think that. You’re my son and I love you but you could hurt Merlin if you’re not careful, and he could hurt you," he said.

Arthur sat again. "Do you know what happened to him?" he asked.

"No. Gaius told me that Merlin is both one of the strongest people he knew, but that it wouldn’t take much to break him. Gaius is one of my oldest friends, Arthur."

"I understand and I swear I will be careful, but he makes me smile," Arthur said.

Uther nodded and smiled. "Ah it’s getting late," he said, glancing out of the window, "are you going to the party that Morgana's been harping on about?" he asked.

"Er... yes," Arthur replied surprised.

"That's good, your friends missed you when you left," Uther said. "The scruffy one used to accost me in town sometimes, demanding to hear about you. He even came up to the house once, although that might have been to ogle your sister," he said, smiling.

Arthur wondered if he meant Leon or Gwaine. "Yeah that's more likely," he agreed, "so er I’d better get ready," he said.

"Yes I suppose you should, I’m going to stay here for a while." Uther said.

"Alright father, try to get some sleep," Arthur said.

"I will," Uther said.

 

Arthur rode down to Gwaine’sand chained his bike up outside when he got there. He stowed his helmet in the box and looked up to see Merlin standing by the door, waiting for him.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey yourself," Merlin said.

They entered the pub together, it was empty. Merlin headed to the bar and sat on the stool.

"You can just pour yourself a drink, everyone else does," Merlin said.

"Alright then," Arthur said, making his way round the bar. "What can I get you?" he asked.

"Coke," Merlin said.

"Coke?" Arthur asked, reaching for a glass.

"I don't drink," Merlin said, his cheeks pinking.

"Oh, well if you don't want to go to Leon's we can-"

"No I want to, it'll be fun. I like parties, I just don't drink," Merlin said.

"Alright," Arthur said, pouring Merlin a coca cola, and himself a pint of lager.

He placed their drinks on the bar and walked back round to sit beside Merlin.

"Are you not going to ask?" Merlin asked, chewing his lip.

"Why you don't drink? No," Arthur said. "Would you tell me anyway? Or lie about a rare alcohol allergy that sends you colour-blind or something,"

Merlin smiled. "Colour-blind? No it's nothing like that," he said, taking a long sip of his drink. "I have epilepsy, it messes with my meds," he said.

"Is that why-"

"I wear the stupid helmet, yeah. I had a fit at work and the council said they could keep me on if I wore a helmet. Health and safety," Merlin muttered.

"Are you embarrassed? Is that why you didn't tell me?"

Merlin wrung his hands. "No, well yes sort of. It is a bit embarrassing when I fit but it doesn't happen often. I don't like talking about it because..."

"Something happened didn't it? You didn't always have it," Arthur said.

"No I didn’t, I was normal before," Merlin whispered.

Arthur looped an arm around Merlin's waist and pulled him closer, so that he was half off his stool, and in his lap.

"I doubt that very much," Arthur said, holding Merlin tight.

Merlin sighed and leaned into Arthur's embrace.

"We're both a little fucked up aren’t we? The manic depressive and the compulsive liar," Arthur said.

"What a pair we make," Merlin said.

"Mm," Arthur mumbled, nuzzling Merlin's hair with his nose.

"Well well what’s going on in here? Oh I should’ve known you’d seduce Pendragon Merlin!" Gwaine yelled as came downstairs.

Arthur did not miss the way Merlin stiffened, his grip on Arthur's shirt tightening before he relaxed against Arthur again.

"Oh and help yourself to the booze why don't you Pendragon," Gwaine said as he poured himself a large measure of whiskey.

"Merlin said I could," Arthur said.

"Did he now? Alright Merls where's the other babyface?" Gwaine asked.

"He couldn't be bothered coming all the way into town just to head back our way so he'll meet us there," Merlin said.

"Lazy git. Is Morg-"

"She said she may pop by, but informed me tell you that you haven't a chance so quit while you're ahead." Arthur said, using much milder language than Morgana had used.

"Whatever," Gwaine said unfazed, "there you are!" He shouted as Gwen and Lance entered the pub. "This is going to be just like the old days," he said rubbing his hands together with glee.

"We're only popping by for a few hours, because we wanted to see Arthur," Gwen explained, smiling as she approached Arthur.

"Leon will be hurt," Gwaine said.

"Leon has about three of these things a week," Lance said.

"True, true," Gwaine said before going to get more drinks for everyone.

"Hello Arthur, Merlin," Gwen said, smiling at the pair, "so you've managed to drag Merlin away from his books Arthur?" she asked.

"Huh?" Arthur asked.

"Merlin never comes out with us, do you Merlin?" Gwen asked him.

"I just get caught up in my writing and lose track of other things sometimes," Merlin said.

Gwen smiled at them again and went off to speak to Elena, Elyan and Percy who had just arrived. Arthur looked at Merlin, he was fidgeting and shifting.

"Are you going to be alright tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah. Are you?" Merlin snapped, "sorry just don’t keep asking if I’m alright," he said.

"Leon's house is big and empty you know, plenty of places to hide," Arthur said.

Merlin smiled again.

"Then I'll be fine, I'm fantastic at hiding," he said.

 

 


	4. Reliving the Past

After a few drinks inside the house, Arthur found himself standing in a line next to Merlin, Gwaine standing on his other side. They were at the edge of Leon’s obnoxious guitar shaped pool. He wondered for a minute what Leon’s father would think if he ever chose to come back from Australia.

 Like Arthur, Leon grew up rich. But at some point after Arthur left, Leon’s parents had gotten divorced, his mother moving to America, his father to Australia. Leon had not wanted to go with either so he ended up staying behind in the big house by himself. Arthur doubted that Leon had consulted his father before installing the ridiculous pool, but also figured it was unlikely that the man would be back anytime soon.

They were all lined up in their underwear at the poolside; this was Morgana’s suggestion. Arthur was shivering in the cool night air; an outdoor pool in England heated or otherwise was a ridiculous notion to him.

"Three… two… one…" Morgana shouted.

On one, everyone but Arthur flung themselves forward into the steaming water, while he stood motionless at the poolside. Merlin turned around when he realised that Arthur was no longer beside him.

"Arthur what are you doing?" he asked.

"Pendragon get in the pool!" Elyan yelled, splashing Leon, who lunged forward and pushed him under the surface.

"Can you swim?" Merlin asked.

"Of course I can swim Merlin," Arthur said with false confidence, refusing to meet Merlin’s eyes.

Merlin smiled and lay back, floating on the surface of the water, moving around the pool. He spluttered when Mordred snuck up on him and dunked him under the water. Arthur looked on at the scene, watching his friends mucking about like children, before walking down toward the shallow end and descending the pool stairs.

He stood there in the shallow end, clinging to the edge, not afraid of drowning, but not comfortable enough to let go. He watched Merlin approach him, cutting through the water with ease.

"There’s a lot of normal childhood things I missed out on," Arthur said.

Merlin splashed him. "Well there are an awful lot of normal kid things I wish I’d missed. Learning to swim with a pool full of screaming toddlers, not fun I can assure you," he said, leaning back against the poolside beside Arthur. "Was it because your mum was in a wheelchair?" He asked.

Arthur shook his head. "Not really," he said, shrugging. "You know when you get to that point in your life, when you realise the house you grew up in is no longer your home? And it becomes a place where you can keep your stuff, the idea of it being home is gone," he said. "I don’t know when it happened to me because I haven’t been back in so long, but it has."

Merlin frowned. "I still feel at home in my house," he said.

Arthur nodded in understanding. "Yeah I can see that, I mean yours is already more homey so it will last a bit longer. But you’ll see it one day, when you move out. You’ll come back to visit and it’ll hit you, that it’s gone," he said. "And you’ll feel like you can never get it back, it almost hurts. It’s like I'm homesick for a place that no longer exists, hasn’t existed for a long time.

"I think that you can get it back again when you create a new home for yourself, and for your family. But I miss it right now, do you think that maybe that’s all a family really is? A group of people who all miss this same imaginary place," he asked.

Merlin said nothing for a while just floated closer to Arthur and lent against him, his wet hair tickling Arthur’s cheek. 

"Perhaps," he agreed, after a few minutes of silent pondering. "But it’s much more than that. Yes when you make a family you have all these ideals of the home you want to create. But whether you’re living in a manor or a council flat, it’s the people you’re with that make it home. It’s a bit more than what you’re saying Arthur, you paint it like they come together because they miss this idea of home. I think it’s more that they’ve found each other and now they want to create home, somewhere that’s theirs and…"

"And?"

"And I hope that I won’t lose the sense of home I have at my mother’s, because it will be replaced by the person who overtakes that. The person who gives me a stronger place of safety and love," he said.

Arthur had no answer for that, so turned and leant his head on top of Merlin’s and watched as Gwaine leapt off the diving board. He was attempting some fancy dive, but he ended up hitting the water at an awkward angle. Everyone cheered anyway.

After a while a few people decided to head off home; Gwen and Lance had to get back home to the baby. They took Morgana with them, even after Gwaine suggestion’s that they bunk up for warmth in one of Leon’s bedrooms. Morgana had given Gwaine a withering look, kissed both Arthur and Merlin on the cheek, which made Merlin giggle. Percy had gone into the house earlier to crash, the others had also split off to explore Leon’s house seeking the warmth of the indoors.

Arthur soon found himself sitting in front of an old-fashioned fireplace, which was roaring away. It warmed him up and chased out the chills that running from the pool to the house had caused. Merlin was beside him wrapped in an overlarge towel, his hair spiked up from where he kept running his hands through it. Mordred, Leon and Gwaine joined them beside the fire.

"Where’s all the furniture gone?" Mordred asked, as they sat down on the floor.

"Not much left, I suppose I should get some more," Leon said, "I’ve started locking up some of the rooms now before letting people in," he added.

"Probably wise," Mordred agreed, "on the off chance your parents ever come back."

"I can’t help but think what a great life I’m living though," Leon said, taking a swig of his beer.

"If I’d have said, at one of those careers meetings we used to have at school: I just want to drink every day and live in a big house on the hill, all by myself with no furniture and no life plan. They would have sent me away a lot sooner," Arthur said.

"Why did they send you away?" Merlin asked.

"Ooh straight to the point Merlin," Gwaine said. "Nobody knows, it’s Arthur’s big secret."

"They didn’t send me away," Arthur denied, "and it’s not a secret, not really. The reason you don’t know is because I… I cut myself off from everyone. It was because I didn’t want to talk to people, not because I wanted to keep secrets."

"But you said they sent you away," Mordred argued.

"They didn’t ‘send me away’ send me away, they sent me to boarding school not an asylum," Arthur clarified.

"But in America?" Merlin asked, "why?"

"Because they thought I might be dangerous," Arthur whispered.

"Why would they think you’d be dangerous?" Mordred asked, frowning at Arthur.

"Ooh these two are like detectives," Gwaine mumbled into his bottle of whiskey.

Arthur took a sip of his beer and braced himself for his impending confession, "I was the reason she was in a wheelchair, I pushed her. It was my fault." He said.

Everyone was silent for a beat.

"Jesus," Merlin whispered.

"Fuck off," Gwaine slurred.

"Why?" Mordred asked.

"It was a freak accident, one I’ve replayed over and over in my head. See, for my whole life my mother had depression, since I was born, before that even. I hated her, for being that way. But I didn’t understand, I was nine and I just wanted her to love me. I used to push her because she made me mad, I was so frustrated because…"

"Because you couldn’t make her happy?" Merlin suggested.

"Yes and any other day she would have yelled at me and sent me to my room. But this day… this stupid bloody day, the door of the dishwasher had fallen open. See it had a broken latch so it would fall open every now and then. God, it’s amazing how much of my life is determined by that stupid broken latch. But anyway, she fell back on the door and hit her neck on the kitchen counter, paralysing her from the waist down."

"Wow," Merlin breathed.

"Yeah, so that’s why I’m fucked up, how about you?" Arthur asked.

Leon interrupted before Merlin could answer his question. "No but wait, your mum was in a wheelchair long before you left," he said confused.

"Yeah well after the accident they sent me to therapy and put me on these drugs that were supposed to curb my anger issues, stop me acting out. I’ve been on them ever since then. But when I was sixteen my psychiatrist decided that a father who spent all his time working and a despondent mother were not providing the best environment to be growing up. So my father sent me to boarding school, and I haven’t been home since."

"Until now," Merlin murmured.

"For the funeral," Mordred said.

"Until now for the funeral," Arthur said.

"Hey you guys want to play billiards?" Mordred asked Gwaine and Leon, glancing at Merlin.

"Billiards?" Gwaine asked confused.

"I dunno, don’t you have a billiards room in this place?" Mordred asked, gesturing toward the door.

"Like in Cluedo? I mean Leon’s posh but I doubt it, this isn’t Miss Marple, " Gwaine said, but he appeared to be catching on to what Mordred was attempting to do.

"I do as it happens," Leon said, standing up and pulling Mordred with him, "well I have a pool table anyway."

"Then lead the way my man," Gwaine said, holding out his hand and allowing Leon to help him up. "Come on Mordy," he slurred, throwing an arm around Mordred’s shoulder.

The three men wandered out of the room, Mordred looking back and giving Merlin a small smile as he disappeared through the door. Arthur laughed to himself, looking down at his beer and wondering what Merlin would think of him now. Merlin moved so that he was facing Arthur and regarded him.

"You’re really in there right now, aren’t you?" he asked, tapping Arthur’s temple with his index finger.

Arthur looked up at him. "What does that mean?" he said, taking a sip of his beer.

"My mum always says that, when she can see that I’m working something out in my head. It means you’re really deep in your head, thinking hard."

"I think you’re right," Arthur said. "Look can we just change the subject?" he said.

Merlin was quiet for a bit, content to just watch Arthur think.

"You might be more fucked up than me," he said. "But maybe I have more right to be than you."

Arthur placed his bottle on the floor. "How so?" he asked.

"I lie to everyone. It’s because something bad happened to me, I have put it behind me for the most part. But in the beginning people would ask me questions about it and I would lie because the truth hurt and now I can’t stop," he whispered.

"Does it make you feel safe, the lying?" Arthur asked.

"Yeah that’s it, the lies they’re a little bit like a comfort blanket," Merlin said.

"What happened to you? You don’t have to tell me if it’s too hard," Arthur said.

Merlin shook his head, his eyes shining with tears. Carefully he crawled into Arthur’s lap and leant his head against his chest. Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin, trying his best to make him feel safe.

"I’ve never told anyone, mum told Mordred for me because I just couldn’t… back then it was still too raw I think. But I can talk about it now, Mordy and mum listen to me when I cry. Arthur I want to tell you even though I don't know you, but I trust you for some reason. I’ve been snapping at you today because I’m so close to just blurting it out to you," Merlin said.

"You can tell me," Arthur said.

"I shouldn’t though, you’re just coming off anti-depressants, it would be selfish to burden you with my past," Merlin said.

"I can handle it, I want to know," Arthur said.

"Alright. I haven’t always had epilepsy, that’s just another shit reminder of what happened to me I suppose. I’ve had it ever since I woke up in the hospital eight years ago," Merlin whispered, pressing his forehead hard against Arthur’s chest.

Arthur lifted a hand to card his fingers through Merlin’s hair. "What happened?" He asked.

"I was attacked, bullies from my sixth form college, three years older than me, it’s a bit complicated. I’ve always been bullied to an extent. This time it was worse than usual, they were extra angry that day and they took it out on me. They pushed further than ever and my body, my skull couldn’t take it. They hit me so hard I was in a coma for eleven months, and when I woke up I my head was fucked." Merlin said, his voice trembling. "I had to learn to fucking walk again," he spat.

Arthur tightened his hold on Merlin. "Why? Why did they attack you?" he murmured, kissing Merlin’s hair, trying to comfort him as best he could.

"Like I said, I’ve always been bullied, ever since primary school by kids my own age. Thing is in secondary school I did some exams early and got pushed up a couple of years. I’m not showing off, but I used to be really smart, so it was because of that at first. Then it was because I was artistic, always writing and drawing. They didn’t like that the girls liked me, and then…"

Arthur could imagine what had happened then. "They found out you were gay?" he asked.

"Yeah," Merlin breathed, running his hand over Arthur’s bare chest. "Yeah, I don’t know how. I never told anyone, not even my mum or my friend Will because I was so scared. They thought I’d perved on them in the changing rooms, as if I’d be interested in Neanderthals like that," he said darkly. "It got worse than been shoved into lockers and pushed over in the corridors after that. It was as if I was no longer a real person to them, no longer human, just a punching bag for them to take out their teenage frustrations. I broke six bones in three months.

"This one kid, Cenred, we were in sixth form together, but he was older, he had his gang of thugs and they hated me. Anyway, he didn’t get a place at Uni like his father wanted, but I got an offer. Thing is I wasn’t even going to go, I was too young, I was just going to take some more A-levels till I was eighteen. Cenred blamed me, said I’d taken his spot, he was so mad. I saw him in the corridor and I knew the exact moment he found out I’d deferred my place. I knew I was in danger and I ran, I tried to get home but they were faster than me." Merlin stopped and closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep, steadying breath.

Arthur just rubbed his back and waited for him to continue.

"For fuck sakes Arthur they were athletes, seven of them. How would I have gotten away? He tackled me to the ground so hard three ribs broke on impact. He held me there, growling about how his father was going to disown him. Then he grabbed my head and smashed it into the pavement, god I thought I was going to die. I would have died if Will hadn’t seen me run and called the police, before he tried to intervene. They broke his arm for that. The police turned up long after I went under and my head has been broken ever since," Merlin said, rubbing at the back of his head.

"We moved here after that, when I woke up, to start a new life somewhere safer. Then the lying became a defence to stop anyone getting close. Because I didn’t trust them, because I was scared, because what if they were like Cenred, or Valiant? I was so scared of people Arthur, I ran away and hid in my stories," he said.

"Mordred?" Arthur asked.

"Oh yeah we met by accident because I invaded his hiding place. He saw through my lies straight away, even better than you do now, he’s perceptive that boy. I trusted him because he was going through his own shit, but that isn’t my place to say. I’m sure you have an idea of what foster homes are like though. But it was also because he was younger and smaller than me." Merlin smiled to himself.

"I made friends with a fourteen year old because all the kids my own age terrified me. But he needed me and I needed him. I would have been hell of a lot worse if he hadn’t come along. Telling me to stop moping because everyone else’s life was just as shit as mine. That I should be grateful I was getting a fresh start. He was right, I mean I still had my mum, uncle Gaius, and a new friend. Even if he was a whiney emo kid. I realised I couldn’t give in because that’s how they’d win, so I let him pull me out of the slump."

Arthur squeezed his eyes shut, rage something he had not felt in a long time, was threatening to overwhelm him. "Didn’t you have any friends?" he asked, his voice shaking.

"I had Will; he’s the one who pulled Cenred off and stopped him killing me. He almost got himself killed in the process. Always used to look out for me," Merlin said. "And Freya, she was ever so kind to me even though I was just a little kid who followed her around everywhere. I don’t speak to them anymore because it’s too painful. In the beginning I used to have seizures every time I thought about what had happened," Merlin said, "any little reminder set it off, so I stopped calling them. They have each other, and mum still keeps them updated with how I’m doing."

Arthur ran his hands through Merlin’s hair, trying to find some way to comfort him. He did not know how to do this, how to care for another person but he wanted to help Merlin. Right now with him trembling in his arms he wanted to cry, or vomit or smash up Leon’s house in a furious rage.

"Your writing…" he said.

"I would always escape to books when I was sad. So I wrote a book about a character that was basically me but I didn’t give him a name. I just called him the boy, and he went through everything I went through. I think I hoped the book would tell me what to do next. It didn’t but it still helped me to accept what happened to me. That’s why I want to provide some safe fantasy for kids, like my childhood authors did for me," Merlin said.

"Do you still have the book?" Arthur asked.

Merlin shook his head. "I burnt it, it was really dark. No one should ever read it," he whispered.

"I’m so sorry all that happened to you Merlin," Arthur said. "I’m so sorry I don’t know how to help you."

"But I don’t need you to. I’m not fine after trauma like that, I'll always have issues. But I am happy."

"Really?"

"I have to be, or else I’d go insane. I was always positive through all the early shit, I don’t think I’d cope well with letting the sadness get to me," Merlin said.

"But how?" Arthur asked.

"I know I’m loved and I know I have people who’d keep me safe. I doubt I could ever move away from here but why would I want to, this place is a haven for me. The opposite of how it is for you I guess." Merlin said.

"I have anger management issues," Arthur said.

"Ok?"

"Merlin I’m losing it right now. I want to scream, I want to smash things, I want to kill someone," Arthur said through gritted teeth.

"Arthur," Merlin said, placing a hand over Arthur’s heart.

"I won’t," Arthur promised, "but I need a stronger drink, sorry," he said.

Merlin leant forward and picked up the half-full bottle of whiskey that Gwaine had left by the fireplace. "Here," he said, "and don’t tell Gaius I condoned you drinking like this, when you’re dealing with chemical imbalances."

"I don’t want you to see that side of me," Arthur said, taking a large gulp of the whiskey "I don’t want you to be scared of me."

He drank until there was no more to drink and his rage had abated somewhat as his senses dulled. Then he sat cradling Merlin in his arms, mumbling promises to keep him safe into his hair.

They sat like that for a while, listening to the wood crackling in the fire, Arthur feeling comforted by Merlin’s presence. He wondered if he’d ever be able to let Merlin out of his sight now, without worrying about him, so strong was his urge to keep him safe.

"Take me home," Merlin whispered.

It was fortunate that Merlin lived so close to Leon’s because it was a struggle for Arthur to keep walking. Without Merlin’s aid he would have ended up flat on his face.

"I usually drink loads more than this," he slurred, leaning on Merlin. "And I can usually still walk."

Merlin huffed, wrapping an arm around Arthur’s waist to keep him upright as they stumbled down his street.

"When you’re drinking alone in your penthouse apartment you mean?" Merlin asked. "Where exactly do you have to walk?"

"Er… to the door or the bathroom," Arthur said. "My moods shifted again," he noted. "It’s bad isn’t it, that I have to drink and dose up to control how I feel? It’s amazing that you can just appreciate what you’ve got and that’s enough to make you happy. You’re so much better than me," he said.

Merlin shifted so that he could hold Arthur better. "It’s not that straightforward Arthur, I’m happy right now, but some days it hits me really bad. Those days I just can’t move I just lay there in my head and it’s awful. I still get so scared Arthur, of people shouting, crowding me. I doubt I could ever go into a city again," Merlin said.

"Well I think you’re the bravest person I’ve ever met," Arthur said, burying his face against Merlin’s shoulder.

"We’re almost there now," Merlin said, pausing to catch his breath.

"We could’ve stayed at Leon’s though," Arthur said.

Merlin shook his head. "Well we’re here now," he said, pushing open the gate.

"Thank heavens for that you’re really heavy Merlin," Arthur said, stumbling up the garden path.

Merlin almost let go of Arthur in surprise. " _I’m_ heavy? You twit I’m carrying you!"

Arthur looked down at himself and noted that he was draped over Merlin. "Oh, I’m really heavy then," he conceded.

Merlin snorted. "Tell me about it," he muttered as he fished out his keys and unlocked the front door. "Hush now, mum’s asleep," he whispered.

Arthur nodded and mimed zipping his lips. "Ok, good night Merlin," he whispered back, pressing a quick kiss to Merlin’s cheek.

Merlin grabbed his wrist before he could leave. "Where the hell are you going?" he hissed.

"Home I suppose," Arthur said.

Merlin shook his head in disbelief. "How exactly? Your house is miles out of town and your bike is at The Dragon. You’re drunk, you’ll sleep here," he said, giving Arthur a gentle push into the house.

"As long as I’m not imposing," Arthur said.

Merlin smiled at the ever polite Arthur. "Not imposing Arthur, come on," he said, taking Arthur’s hand and leading him upstairs.

As soon as they got to Merlin’s bedroom, Arthur flung himself down on the bed. Merlin raised an eyebrow, as Arthur struggled to pull off his jeans and t-shirt.

He shook his head. "Er… I don’t have any pyjamas that will fit you," he said blushing as he shrugged out of his clothes and into his baggy worn t-shirt.

"S’alright, I usually sleep in the nude," Arthur said. "But as this isn’t my house I’ll sleep in boxers. Even though I’d rather like to see you blush even more because it really looks good on you, those cheekbones," he said, grinning.

He picked up a book from the night stand. "Do you write before you go to sleep?" he asked.

"Yeah sometimes," Merlin said as he sat down beside Arthur on the bed. "Whenever I get a minute I write. That’s my rough ideas book, it’s a pretty random assortment of ideas and bits of stories," he said.

"Plus these beautiful sketches too," Arthur whispered, stroking a finger over a page.

"Yeah." Merlin said, remaining where he was, at the edge of the bed.

Arthur looked up at him, from where he lay. "Are you ok? Do you want me to go Merlin?" He asked as he noted how stiffly Merlin was sitting, wringing his hands in his lap.

"No it’s… if you sleep here… I have nightmares. I yell and scream sometimes and I thrash about, you could sleep in Mordred’s room instead," he suggested.

"I’ll be fine, I’m a heavy sleeper," Arthur said.

"Really?" Merlin asked, lying down beside Arthur.

"No, maybe. Back in New York, I sleep six hours every night, like clockwork. It’s a bit different since I stopped taking the pills," he said, moving so that he was under the duvet, pulling Merlin closer until they were spooning. "Before I would have the same dream, every night; I was on a crashing plane, with everyone around me screaming. I would just sit there staring forward until my alarm went off," he said, describing the dream as best as he could.

"Not anymore?" Merlin asked, relaxing against him.

"No, but I think I dreamt of you yesterday though," Arthur said, as he ran his fingers through Merlin’s hair and traced lazy patterns on his skin.

"You’re warm," Merlin mumbled.

Arthur chuckled. "That’s me, the human radiator," he said.

"I’ll write a story ‘The Adventures of Arthur the Space Heater’," Merlin said, tangling his fingers with Arthur’s under his shirt.

"No one would read that Merlin," Arthur said, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead to Merlin’s shoulder as he drifted off to sleep.

He woke a few hours later when Merlin cried out in his sleep. He was kicking and thrashing, and trying to wriggle free. At first Arthur loosened his hold around Merlin, not wanting him to feel trapped. When that had little effect he wrapped his arms tighter around him and pulled him closer again.

"Hush Merlin," he soothed. "You’re safe now, you’re safe," he whispered, pressing gentle kisses to Merlin’s temple, mumbling promises of safety, hoping it would reach Merlin in his nightmares.

Eventually Merlin’s stiff posture relaxed, and the frown on his face smoothed away. Arthur lay there watching him sleep, watching him breathe and snuffle until he fell under again, when a small smile appeared on Merlin’s face.

 

 


	5. Back to the Darkness

When Arthur woke up again it was to Merlin shaking him. He blinked and opened his eyes to find Merlin grinning down at him. He was already dressed, his hair was wet and dripping onto Arthur's face, Arthur could feel the damp heat radiating from him.

"You smell minty," he mumbled.

"Peppermint shower gel," Merlin explained, "how’s your head?" he asked, reaching forward to stroke at Arthur’s temple.

Arthur groaned in response to that question, his head was throbbing and his throat hurt from talking so much last night, after a silent lifestyle. He buried his face in Merlin's pillows.

"Bad then?" Merlin said, carding his hand through Arthur's hair. "I have to go to work but you can stay here and sleep if you like, Mum's already gone but Mordy should be back soon," he said, mindful of Arthur's pounding head.

"Thanks, time is it?" Arthur asked.

"Seven-thirty," Merlin said.

"Ugh." Arthur groaned again and turned away from Merlin, trying to burrow further into the bed sheets.

"I've left water and paracetamol on the bedside table if you need it," Merlin said, rubbing Arthur's head before getting up off the bed. "Try not to sleep all day though," he said, as he grabbed a jumper and headed out of the room.

Arthur's headache was gone by the time he woke up for a third time. He gulped down the water Merlin had left him, but it did little to ease his sore throat. As he sat on Merlin's bed, staring around the room he thought about how strange he felt. That odd lightness that Merlin seemed to bring with him was fading and he could sense the onslaughts of a fit of depression looming. He wondered how much longer Merlin's easy company would manage to fend off the darkness. He lent forward and placed his head in his hands, trying to calm his breathing before he started to panic. There was a gentle knock on the door.

"Arthur?" Mordred called out, before pushing the door open. "Arthur?" he repeated, sounding concerned when he took in the way Arthur was holding himself and trying not to fall apart.

Arthur looked up at him, through shining eyes. "I don't think I can do it," he gasped as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Alright Arthur, you're having a panic attack-"

"I know!"

"What do you usually do Arthur?" Mordred asked calmly, kneeling down beside him, "breathing exercises?"

"I don't... I can't... I can't fucking breathe!" Arthur cried, clutching at his chest.

"Ok up, stand up," Mordred said, being careful not to touch him. "Come on up," he repeated.

Arthur stood up, wobbling. "Help me!" he begged.

"I am, alright?" Mordred said, "can you hold my hands?" He asked, holding his hands out in front of him.

Arthur grasped them, clinging to them letting them ground him. "I still... still can't-"

"One deep breath," Mordred said.

Arthur breathed in as deep as he could manage.

"Hold it ok? Just for a moment," Mordred said, holding Arthur's hands.

Arthur shook his head, but obeyed Mordred.

"Now breathe out, that's it," Mordred said placing a hand on Arthur chest, "In... out... with my voice that's it... in... out... in... out..." he repeated calmly.

"I'm gonna faint," Arthur moaned as his knees shook and the room span.

"Alright then back on the bed," Mordred said, pushing Arthur back. He knelt down beside him, "better?"

"Yeah a bit," Arthur whispered, laying back and running a hand through his hair, "are you studying medicine?"

"God no. Computer science for me," Mordred confirmed.

He continued to check Arthur over, watching his breathing.

"Do you do this for Merlin?" Arthur asked.

"Nah, but I saw Hunith do it once or twice, back when they first moved here. When he was worse," Mordred said.

"He told me what happened to him," Arthur said.

"I thought he would," Mordred said, "he keeps it all bottled up, and then he has these dark days, disappears inside himself. It scares me because I have no idea what’s going through his head."

"Bad?"

"Really bad, he fits, he cries, screams, stops speaking. It's awful to see him like that. It doesn’t happen often anymore though," Mordred told him, "he's happy you know, that whole happy, cheeky bubbly man really is Merlin. But it's a tentative happiness and it comes crashing down sometimes.

“A few years ago I asked him how he stayed so positive and upbeat. He said that at first he forced it because it was the only way he could stay sane, but now it’s just who he is. He’s this gentle, sunny, but damaged guy," Mordred whispered.

"He's great though, he makes me feel so... light." Arthur tried to explain.

"Yeah he does that, I was having a pretty shitty time at the foster home I was in, and he could see that. He just came up to me in the playground and told me it'll be ok again one day, because it has to be," Mordred said, “I couldn’t argue with him, he was so determined for everything to be fine.  Things seemed pretty dark to me, I remember saying it's alright for you, you have people who care.

"He didn't know what to say, he stropped off. But the next day he came back and sat with me, even though all I did was sulk. We fought a lot, both competing over how difficult our lives were, his was worse I know that now, but at the time I couldn't see it because I was jealous of what he had with Hunith.”

"He's so perfect and so flawed," Arthur said.

"Yes he is. Merlin is one of the strongest people I know, but at the same time he is so fragile. He was broken but he healed, perhaps stronger than before. I think if something happened again he’d shatter this time and he wouldn't come back.” Mordred said.

Arthur could hear the warning in his voice, he sat up to face Mordred.

“I won’t hurt him,” he said.

“I won’t let you,” Mordred said.

“He’s lucky to have you,” Arthur murmured, he was reminded of Morgana.

She may seem cold and closed off, but she was hiding her softer side away. He knew she was protective of him, always worrying and fussing over him when she came to visit him in America.

"Yeah I suppose. Look do you want breakfast or lunch?" Mordred asked, looking at his watch.

Arthur wondered if Merlin had blackmailed him into playing host.

"Er... no but could I take a shower? I think I'll have lunch at the library," Arthur said.

"Ok, come on. Can you stand now?" Mordred asked, offering his hand.

"Yes it’s passed, for now," Arthur said, standing and following Mordred to the bathroom.

"Towels and spare toothbrushes are in the cupboard," Mordred said before heading to his room. He turned around in the doorway, "I'm going to go to bed now but you can let yourself out yeah?"

"Yes thank you."

Mordred nodded, before heading to his room.

Arthur showered and dressed back in the clothes he had fallen asleep in, they were not too bad. Anything in Merlin's wardrobe, or on the floor as that seemed to be where he kept his clothes, would be too small for him. He was not going to wake Mordred either, it would be pointless as he was similarly built to Merlin.

He pulled his shoes on and crept downstairs, and out of the front door. He dawdled for a moment once he got outside, wondering if it would be safe to leave a sleeping Mordred in an unlocked house but looking around the residential street he figured he would be fine, this was rural England not New York City.

Arthur walked into town, it only took him twenty minutes at a leisurely pace. When he got closer to the library he had an idea. He backtracked and headed to the newsagents. When he had made his purchases, he approached the library, pushing the door open he spotted Merlin sitting at the desk, scribbling away in his notebook. He had his headphones on, the strap part around his neck because of his helmet and his head was bobbing in time with whatever it was he was listening to. Arthur took this to mean that the library was again empty.

He closed the door behind himself and flipped the sign before approaching the desk. Merlin was concentrating so hard he did not even look up, so Arthur walked round the desk and tapped Merlin's headphone covered ear. Merlin jumped about a foot in the air, knocking various books across the desk.

"Arthur you're awake!" he yelled.

Arthur tapped his own ear to indicate that Merlin still had his headphones on. Merlin grinned at him and pulled them off.

"What are you listening to?" Arthur asked.

"Er... Magic Dance," Merlin replied, wrapping the cord around his iPod.

"Ah now that's one I've heard of," Arthur replied.

"That's because you're old," Merlin teased.

"Oi! Watch it you, or you won't get your present," Arthur retorted.

"My present?"

Arthur just nodded. Merlin frowned at him.

"Ok? Wanna share lunch again?" he asked.

"Yes please," Arthur said, sitting down behind the desk.

Merlin joined him, pulling out his lunchbox. Arthur watched him for a moment before leaning closer to him and hooking a finger under the chinstrap of Merlin's helmet. He tugged on the strap and pulled Merlin in for a kiss. Merlin started and tensed, but Arthur waited, staying still, his lips just pressed against Merlin’s. After a moment Merlin relaxed against him, melting into the kiss.

"This is useful," Arthur said, fingering the strap when they broke apart.

Arthur tugged on the strap again but Merlin narrowed his eyes and shook his head as he removed the helmet and placed it to one side.

“We are in a library,” Merlin reminded him.

“I’ve always wanted to have sex in a library,” Arthur joked, letting his head fall back against the desk.

Merlin scowled and looked down at his hands.

“Come on you must have thought about it while you’re stacking the encyclopaedias,” Arthur said, winking.

Merlin shook his head. “You can’t have sex in a library,” he whispered, horrified at the thought.

“I think it’s kinky,” Arthur argued, “oh wait a library is like a sacred place to a writer like you isn’t it?” he realised.

“Exactly,” Merlin said.

"So what's on the menu today?" Arthur asked, steering the topic away from sex.

"Hm," Merlin said, opening up the lunchbox and rooting around, "savoury today," he informed Arthur.

"Should I be worried?" Arthur asked.

"No of course not," Merlin said opening his first sandwich bag, and pulling out half for Arthur, "this one is mashed potato and mustard," he said handing it over.

Arthur's eyes widened. "Mashed potato? In a sandwich, surely that's just a carbohydrate overload," he protested.

"Do I look like I'm on the Atkins diet?" Merlin replied, tucking into his own half eagerly.

"You look half starved," Arthur said, taking a wary bite, but it was good.

"High metabolism," Merlin said, with a mouthful of food.

"Does your mum make mashed potato just for your sandwiches?" Arthur asked.

"Don't be ridiculous, it's just leftover from dinner," Merlin replied.

They polished off the first sandwich quickly, so Merlin pulled out the second one.

"How do feel about marmite?" he asked frowning at the sandwich.

"It's alright," Arthur said with a shrug.

Merlin shook his head in disbelief.

"It's marmite Arthur! Marmite!" he said shocked.

"So?"

"Oh come on, marmite! You either love it or hate it," he said, looking at Arthur like he’d gone mad.

"Oh... er... I don't know though I haven't had marmite in years, it's er... we weren't really a marmite sort of family," Arthur said.

"Of course!" Merlin said, smacking his forehead with the palm of his hand as if he had realised something obvious. "Marmite is hardly posh person food," he concluded.

"I'm not-"

"Don't even try to deny it Arthur, you speak like royalty half the time," he said, handing over the sandwich. "It's avocado and marmite," he added, watching Arthur for his reaction.

"I do like avocado," Arthur said.

Merlin beamed at him and allowed him to eat the sandwich.

"So? Marmite yay or nay?" he asked, when they had finished.

"It's ok," Arthur replied.

"You are a weird one Arthur Pendragon," Merlin said, shaking his head.

"Do you want your present or not?" Arthur asked.

"Ooh yes please," Merlin said.

"It's not anything special," Arthur warned as he pulled the little chocolate egg out of his pocket.

"Yay! A kinder egg! I love these," Merlin informed him, "I've kept all the little toys I ever got from them," he said, breaking the egg and handing half the chocolate to Arthur.

Arthur smiled at Merlin's automatic instinct to share his food, and watched as Merlin placed his own half of the egg to one side in favour of the toy. He was such a big kid, Merlin popped the orange plastic ball open with his teeth and emptied the contents into his hand.

"A dragon!" he exclaimed waving it in Arthur's face.

"Very nice, are you going to name him Arthur?" he asked.

"Don't be ridiculous Arthur, that's a human name," Merlin replied, rolling his eyes, "I already have a red dragon called Kilgarrah, I think this one is Aithusia," he decided.

"Aithusia? Crikey how do you come up with this stuff," Arthur asked.

"Creative genius remember, I always have names at the ready," Merlin said, chuckling.

"Very true, how’s the book coming along?" Arthur asked, picking up Merlin’s notebook.

He didn’t open it though, handing it over to Merlin instead. Merlin smiled and opened it up to the last page he’d written on.

“It’s going well, I’m writing more Merlin and Arthur adventures. They’ve been all over Albion on their various quests. They slayed a griffin with Lance's help in the last chapter I wrote," Merlin told him, “and in the next chapter an evil sorcerer masquerading as a physician is going to infiltrate Camelot and try to kill the king. But Merlin will save the day, don’t worry,” he said grinning.

"Wow,” Arthur murmured, amazed by Merlin’s imagination.

Arthur had never been creative, he was always better with numbers than words. “You should name the physician Edwin,” he suggested.

“Edwin?” Merlin asked, eating his chocolate.

“My old shrink, I could imagine him as an evil sorcerer,” Arthur explained. “You know you really should get them published, so that more people can read them," he suggested.

"It's not that simple," Merlin replied, frowning.

"Why?" Arthur asked.

"One of my books nearly got published once," Merlin said.

"Really?" Arthur asked.

"Yeah, most of what I write is short stories, lots of pictures. But I've written a few longer stories. Novel length fantasies about Merlin the wizard," Merlin explained.

"Very fitting," Arthur agreed.

"Oh I know," Merlin said, grinning. "I write what I know, but you're in them too,” he said.

"Me? What?" Arthur spluttered, confused.

"Well Prince Arthur, King Arthur. I mean come on, you can't get Merlin without Arthur," Merlin explained.

"Oh alright, so are you an old bearded wizard in these stories?" Arthur teased.

"Don't be ridiculous Arthur and they're not about me, they’re about a young warlock trying to bring magic back to Camelot"

"I thought the characters in our stories were the people we wanted to be, and the people we wanted to know. So Merlin in this story represents you, and King Arthur is me," Arthur said.

"Whatever,” Merlin said, rolling his eyes. “Plus I hadn’t actually met you then. Anyway Merlin is younger than the prince in my story he’s about seventeen-"

"Are they lovers?" Arthur interrupted, grinning.

Merlin flushed red, and punched him on the arm.

"Oh my god they are!" Arthur accused.

"No they are not lovers," Merlin said, "they are medieval boyfriends. It's all quite tame, they hold hands and quest together it's harmless." He insisted.

"Ah, is this the book that almost got published?" Arthur asked.

"Yeah," Merlin whispered, his shoulders slumped in resignation.

"So did they ask you to make Merlin a witch or Arthur a princess?" Arthur asked.

"Merlin a witch," Merlin replied, “I’m not a bloody girl,” he huffed.

"I know, did you refuse?"

"Yep," Merlin answered, refusing to meet Arthur’s eyes.

Arthur placed a hand on Merlin’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "Good."

"Good? My mum thought I was crazy, all that money,” Merlin told him.

"But it’s not about the money is it? If you'd have let them change that detail then by the time they'd finished with it, it would have barely resembled your original story," Arthur murmured, pressing a kiss to Merlin’s temple, trying to comfort him.

"That's what I thought," Merlin said, leaning into Arthur’s embrace.

Arthur shifted so that he was pressed back against the desk, he was careful of the teetering piles of books, not wanting to cause an avalanche. He pulled at Merlin until the man settled in his lap.

"You keep trying Merlin, kids need the role models your stories provide," Arthur said.

Merlin smiled and snuggled closer, curling up against him.

"So I was thinking," Arthur began.

"Is that wise?" Merlin teased.

"Ha ha, but I’m being serious,” Arthur warned. “Look I've just come off antidepressants right? So my mood is pretty unstable, but I think I'm going to crash by the end of the week, probably sooner. I think we should go on a date, a proper one while I'm still on a high," Arthur said.

"Alright," Merlin replied instantly, "what did you have in mind?"

"Well there aren't many restaurants around here, but maybe we could drive down to London and-"

"Er... let me stop you right there, no fancy pants London restaurants for our first date," Merlin said, pulling away from Arthur and smiling at him.

"Ok then what would you suggest?" Arthur said, frowning at how his suggestion had been shot down.

"Hmm." Merlin tapped his chin as he thought about it. "Ooh, I've got a good idea," he said.

"Ok so you're allowed to veto my idea, and I'm expected to just go along with whatever bizarre form of entertainment you think is appropriate for our first date?" Arthur said, cross at the lack of control.

"Yes." Merlin said, "it'll be fun I promise, and it’s free," he added.

"But it's free," Arthur said, "it can't be that fun if it's free," he argued.

Merlin smiled at him. “How would you know?" he asked, "how would you know what’s fun? When's the last time, before this week, that you had fun?"

"I... er... I don't remember... a long time ago I think," Arthur admitted.

Merlin nodded at this, knowingly. "Then trust me, yeah?"

"Alright," Arthur said.

"Oh and we'll need your bike, but I'll tell you where we're going later, don't want to ruin the surprise," Merlin informed him.

He grabbed his notebook and started jotting things down. Arthur made out a list before Merlin tilted the book away from him.

"Of course not," Arthur said.

He wrapped his arms around Merlin's lean body and held him, rubbing his face into the dark mop of hair.

"You make me feel so light Merlin," he mumbled against Merlin's scalp.

For the second time that day Arthur felt like he was going to breakdown, so he clung tighter to Merlin. Merlin noticed right away, and stiffened in Arthur’s arms before relaxing again.

"Hey," he whispered, "you can let it out."

"I can't break, not yet," Arthur said, his voice trembling.

"Alright Arthur, but I'll be there for you when you do," Merlin promised.

Arthur sat there with Merlin in his arms, trying not to fall to pieces until well after lunchtime. In fact it was nearly three pm when he finally dragged himself away to go home and rest until Merlin finished work.

 

Unfortunately, Merlin was wrong, he was not there when Arthur crashed, it only took an hour after he left Merlin in the library. He had biked home leisurely, mindful of his level of tiredness, on the winding country roads. When he got back to the house, he still felt fine, echoes of his conversation with Merlin still playing in his head.

As soon as he got into his bedroom, it hit him, an overwhelming feeling that he was sinking, erasing all the good that Merlin had brought him. He drew his curtains needing to block out the world and laid down in his bed, trying to talk himself out of the slump to no avail. Nothing worked and in his heart he knew it wouldn’t. His old drugs would have taken away these feelings, but they wouldn’t replace them, they’d leave him completely numb. It was up to Arthur now to decide whether or not that would be worth it.

Right now he felt it was, that it was worth a day of despondency for the warmth Merlin’s smiles provided, but he knew this was just the beginning. As he lay there in bed his despondency manifested into something worse, and the anxiety set in. The voice in Arthur’s head, the one that had been muted for so long was ungagged. It voiced all his insecurities, painting them starkly for him to dwell on. It twisted all his thoughts of his father, of Morgana, of Merlin, until they were laughing at his pain, delighting in his misery.

Arthur spent an hour screaming into his pillow as his internal monologue blamed him for his mother’s death, muffling his cries until his voice was ragged. Eventually the fear of everything outside of his bedroom set in. Suddenly the outside world seemed huge and terrifying, and it was all Arthur could do to control his breathing and fend off another panic attack until the shadows went away.

Four hours later he felt like shit, he had promised to pick Merlin up over an hour ago, but he just couldn't bring himself to move. He wanted to see Merlin so badly but he knew he could not leave the room, he felt trapped and suffocated, but safe at the same time. His father and Morgana had already been to see him, expressing their concerns and trying to get him to eat. At one point he had screamed at them to stop trying to poison him and they had backed away nervously.

Arthur had heard his father talking hushed tones with Gaius on the phone. He did not know what the doctor had said, but no one tried to disturb him again. Then an hour later, there was another knock on the door.

"Arthur," Morgana called softly.

"Go away please," Arthur begged.

"Ok I will, but Merlin is here, can he come in?" she asked gently.

Arthur shuffled until he was sitting upright, he thought about it for a minute before giving in. "Yes," he almost begged.

The voice in his head told him that Merlin was only here to gloat, that Merlin was going to tell Arthur he wasn’t interested in a mental case like him. The door opened slowly, letting in the light from the hallway for a second before Merlin shut it tightly behind him.

"Don't turn on the light," Arthur begged.

"Ok I won't," Merlin murmured.

Arthur heard Merlin shuffling about the room, cursing under his breath quietly as he felt his way around in the dark. Then he felt the bed dip beside him, and Merlin's warm hand reaching out to him, pressing against his face clumsily. Arthur grasped it and held it tight

"I'm sorry Merlin," he whispered.

"It's alright, I understand really I do,” Merlin said quietly, giving Arthur’s hand a squeeze.

"I know,” Arthur said.

He did know, if anything Merlin had far more reason to behave this way than he did, and yet Merlin was still so positive and strong.

"Am I ok to be here?” Merlin asked, snapping Arthur out of his worries.

"Yeah, I don't want to be alone,” Arthur informed him, settling down onto the pillows.

He pulled at Merlin in the dark, until Merlin was close beside him.

"Sometimes I have dark days, a bit like this maybe, but I can't stand to be near people and when they touch me it hurts,” Merlin explained, stroking a finger down Arthur’s arm.

"This isn't like that. I can't face the world, but I still want you here, I’m scared of being alone. I'm sorry about our date Merlin, truly,” Arthur said, regretfully.

"I know Arthur, I know,” Merlin said, laying down beside him properly and shuffling closer still, "another time maybe, that's the thing with free dates, they'll keep. Not like reservations at fancy restaurants.”

Arthur smiled despite himself.

"Will you stay?” he asked.

"If you want me to,” Merlin said quietly.

Arthur could detect the worry in his voice, he wondered if Merlin was afraid of him. The voice inside his head told him that Merlin was obviously terrified but he tried his best to quash it.

"How did you get here?” He asked instead.

"Walked,” Merlin replied.

He was still shifting as if he was a little uncomfortable.

"But that's miles and it's late,” Arthur said concerned.

"Mordred walked me halfway and stayed on the phone with me till I got here,” Merlin explained.

"Well then you absolutely will stay and I'll drive you home tomorrow if I can, if not Morgana will,” he decided, but frowned when Merlin didn’t relax. “I can get her to drive you now though Merlin, because you seem really uncomfortable.”

“I want to stay Arthur but…”

“But?”

“Just to sleep right?”

“Oh!” Arthur exclaimed, the relief that Merlin was not afraid of him flooding through him, “yeah just to sleep.” He murmured.

“Alright then,” Merlin said quietly, relaxing against Arthur.

They were quiet for a while, just the sound of their breathing in the dark room.

“What are you scared of Merlin?” Arthur asked.

He was just genuinely curious. Merlin was silent for a long time before he answered.

“I’m scared of trusting people Arthur. I’m scared of giving up my control, I had so little of it for so much of my life, I just can’t give it up,” he explained. “No one ever gets close, they think they do but…”

“But that’s the lying?” Arthur suggested.

“Yeah,” Merlin breathed.

“What about sex?” Arthur asked.

“What about it?” Merlin replied, stiffening and pulling away from him.

“Just now, and last night, you were nervous and uncomfortable until I said I just wanted you to sleep here. Why?” Arthur pressed, as gently as he could.

Merlin chewed his lip. “It’s nothing tragic, I just… well because I don’t trust people and…”

“Ah,” Arthur whispered, understanding. “Plus sex can make you feel quite vulnerable.”

“Exactly, and I just can’t Arthur, I can’t be vulnerable,” Merlin said, trembling now. “I can’t be vulnerable,” he repeated.

“Maybe you could become a priest,” Arthur suggested.

“I don’t think you can have gay priests,” Merlin argued, smiling again. “I trust you Arthur,” he whispered.

“I know you do Merlin,” Arthur said softly, “You’ve barely lied to me at all, but around the others I see it, deflecting their questions. I don’t know why you trust me, but I’m so glad you do.”

“It’s insane, I’ve known you for two days Arthur,” Merlin murmured nervously.

Arthur stroked his hair, trying to soothe him.

 “Why don’t you have a car?” he asked, trying to change the subject.

"Can't, I’m epileptic,” Merlin mumbled.

"You can't drive?”

"Nope, not unless I go three years without a seizure,” Merlin explained.

"Bloody hell,” Arthur whistled.

"I do get a bus pass though,” Merlin said, as if that made it better.

“Ah well that’s okay then,” Arthur joked.

“Mmm,” Merlin hummed, shrugging noncommittally.

Arthur yawned, suddenly feeling tired now that Merlin was there in his bed.

“Shall we sleep?” he asked.

“Yeah ok,” Merlin agreed, shuffling to get under the covers.

“Are you going to sleep in your clothes?” Arthur asked.

“Um…”

“If you want to sleep naked I don’t mind,” Arthur told him, switching on the lamp and getting out of bed.

He went over to the wardrobe.

“Arthur I can’t,” Merlin moaned, hiding his face in his hands.

“I know, hold on I’ll see what I’ve got.” Arthur said, rooting through his clothes.

Most of them were from when he was much younger, but that shouldn’t be a problem for the skinny Merlin.

Arthur grabbed a pair of joggers and a t-shirt, tossing them at the bed for Merlin.

“Ok?” he asked.

“Yeah but… do you have a jumper or a hoody?” Merlin asked.

“Are you cold?”

“No it’s…”

“You like to cover up,” Arthur guessed.

“Feels safer,” Merlin agreed, pulling off his shirt and popping on Arthur’s bigger, worn one.

Arthur looked back to the wardrobe and then thought better of it, pulling off the hoodie he was wearing. He wouldn’t be sleeping in it anyway so he chucked it at Merlin, grinning. Merlin blushed and pulled it on, Arthur stripped down to his boxers and crept back toward the bed.

“So you’ll sleep here then? Just sleep nothing untoward,” he murmured, crawling under the duvet again.

“Yeah,” Merlin breathed, snuggling closer to him.

“Tell me a story,” Arthur demanded.

“I’d love to,” Merlin said, shuffling away and sitting up, “settle down children,” he joked.

“Shut up Jackanory,” Arthur muttered.

“What kind of story?” Merlin asked, ignoring his grumbling.

“’Bout you and me,” Arthur murmured sleepily, as he got comfortable next to Merlin.

“Comfy?”

“Yeah,”

“Then I’ll begin,” Merlin said.

“Less of the theatrics,” Arthur moaned, “this isn’t _Watch with Mother_.”

“I know you’re not old enough to have ever watched that show, my mum used to watch it,” Merlin joked, “Long, long ago…” he began.

“Theatrics, less of” Arthur repeated.

“Do you want to hear the bloody story or not?” Merlin demanded, hitting him with the pillow.

“Fine go ahead, but if you say once upon a time I’ll smother you,” Arthur muttered, pulling the pillow from Merlin’s hands.

“Hmm…” Merlin mumbled, pondering how to begin. “Arthur Pendragon thought he had it all-”

“Oh god,” Arthur groaned, smothering his own face with the pillow.

“He was the King of Camelot-”

“Bloody hell.” Arthur muttered.

“Do you want a bloody story or not?” Merlin snapped lightly.

“I don’t want to be bloody King _Mer_ lin,” Arthur moaned, “on her good days my mum would make me the king,” he explained.

“Ok,” Merlin said softly, “how about this? Arthur Pendragon, Crown Prince of Camelot was used to getting his own way. What good was being a prince if he didn’t? He had an army of knights at his command and the servants would literally fall at his feet, fawning over him, catering to his every whim. Not all his servants however, Merlin, his personal manservant, was something else.”

Arthur snorted.

“Merlin was not at all subservient like the others, constantly insulting the prince and calling him a prat on a daily basis. But Arthur wouldn’t have it any other way, Merlin made his life exciting. But Merlin was in terrible danger because magic was banned in Camelot by decree of the King and Merlin was a powerful sorcerer. Arthur begged Merlin to keep his magic a secret but every day it was getting closer.

“Arthur had only found out himself by accident, when Merlin so comfortable in Arthur’s presence had frozen a wine goblet mid-air from across the room.”

“Typical,” Arthur mumbled sleepily.

“He was furious at first, Arthur’s view on magic once mirrored his father’s but he gave Merlin a chance to show him how beautiful magic really was. He was angry that Merlin had kept his magic a secret, but understood why he had done so, out of fear of Arthur’s reactions and in time Arthur forgave him-”

 “Are they going to get it on in this story?” Arthur interrupted.

“Shut up if you want to hear the rest. Together Merlin and Arthur made a formidable team fighting the foes of Camelot, Arthur even allowed Merlin to practise his magic in secret,” Merlin paused and yawned widely, his eyes fluttering shut for a moment. “But then one day Arthur went away on a hunt with Sir Leon and Sir Gwaine, that was when Morgana decided to steal the throne-”

“I can definitely see that happening,” Arthur agreed.

“She is very scary. She stormed into the throne room, eyes blazing gold, and flung a fireball at the King. Merlin was there because he had stayed behind to assist Gaius and even though he knew the King would execute him, he saved his life with magic anyway. He did it because he was Arthur’s father and that was what was important. Morgana, terrified of the suddenly…” Merlin yawned again, “powerful Merlin, fled to regroup. The King stood up and turned to Merlin, furious at the blatant display of magic. ‘Seize him!’ he ordered the guards and they stepped forward…” Merlin’s head slipped onto Arthur’s chest as he fell asleep suddenly.

“Merlin, Merlin what happened next?” Arthur demanded quietly, shaking Merlin gently.

Merlin just snuffled softly and curled closer to Arthur, pressing his nose into the crook of Arthur’s neck. Arthur sighed and held Merlin gently. What he really wanted was to squeeze Merlin tight and never let him go, but he did not want to exacerbate any nightmares.

Arthur felt like he was slowly drowning in the darkness, and Merlin there in his arms felt like a lifeline. However Merlin was fragile too and Arthur was terrified of dragging him down. He did not know what to do. It took him a long time to drift off to sleep.

“Let me go!”

Arthur jerked awake and released his hold on Merlin.

“Let me go!” Merlin repeated kicking and struggling against the duvet as Arthur tried to untangle it from Merlin’s thrashing form.

Then Merlin started screaming, it was different to the night Arthur had spent at Merlin’s, louder and far more chilling. It hurt Arthur to hear it and he selfishly shook Merlin trying to wake him up, but Merlin kept on screaming.

“Merlin please wake up,” Arthur begged.

The door burst open, crashing against the wall and Morgana strode into the room.

“Jesus Christ Arthur! What the hell are you doing?” she demanded.

“Get out,” Arthur hissed.

She did not, instead she turned on the light, and suddenly Merlin stopped screaming and sat bolt upright, staring around the room, eyes wide and shining with tears.

“Merlin are you alright? Did Arthur hurt you?” Morgana murmured, reaching out for Merlin’s shoulder.

Merlin flinched away and backed himself up against the headboard. Arthur carefully got off the bed and moved away pulling Morgana back with him. She resisted.

“Don’t, he’s still in the nightmare, he’s not seeing you,” Arthur whispered. “Merlin it’s Arthur,” he said firmly, approaching his bed again arms outstretched, palms up.

Merlin shook his head as if he was trying to clear things. “Arthur?” He mumbled confused, “where am I?”

“My room,” Arthur whispered.

“Ok,” Merlin said, placing his head in his hands.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I have to make sure. It sounded like you were being murdered, are you sure Arthur didn’t do anything?” Morgana asked, approaching the bed again.

Merlin startled when he realised they were not alone. “Go away,” he whined.

“Merlin-”

“Go away!”

“S’ok c’mon Morgs,” Arthur said, steering her out of the room. “He feels vulnerable you’ll just have to trust me.”

“Arthur he was screaming,” Morgana said worriedly, still struggling against him.

“I know. It’s not my secret to tell but I’m sure you can guess what sort of nightmares would cause screams like that. I’m sure you have at least some idea of Merlin’s past so I hope you can understand why he can’t see you right now.”

Morgana stopped struggling, understanding dawning on her face. “Shit,” she muttered.

“Yeah,” Arthur agreed.

She squeezed Arthur’s shoulder gently and backed away slowly. Arthur went back into the bedroom.

“Merlin?”

“I’m ok, sorry it’s just…” he trailed off, he looked so small and defeated sitting there in the middle of Arthur’s bed.

“Sleepovers? Unfamiliar surroundings?” Arthur suggested.

“Yeah.”

“Ok then,” Arthur said, sitting down beside him.

“What time is it?”

Arthur looked at his watch. “About three thirty,” he told him.

“I’m not going back to sleep.” Merlin said determinedly.

“Do you want me to give you a ride home?” Arthur asked.

Merlin pursed his lips, thinking hard, Arthur could see him weighing up his options.

“I don’t mind,” Arthur assured him.

“Aren’t you tired?”

“Nah I’m ok,” Arthur insisted.

“I don’t want to go home yet, maybe we could… go on our date,” he suggested nervously.

“Now?”

Merlin nodded eagerly. “Yeah it’s not… I mean we can go anytime,” he explained.

“Alright I’d love too,” Arthur agreed.

“Ok let’s grab some food and blankets,” Merlin said jumping out of the bed as if he was desperate to get away from it and the nightmares it had contained.

“Perhaps we should get dressed first,” Arthur suggested.

“Yeah alright,” Merlin said, grinning weakly.

When they were dressed, Arthur led Merlin to the kitchen where they managed to cobble together an impromptu picnic. Arthur was just putting it all in a bag when Merlin’s face fell.

“What’s wrong?”

“It's… I’m not making you do any of this Arthur, I won’t be upset if you don’t want to…” Merlin stammered.

“What?”

“Arthur you couldn’t get out of bed earlier, it’s… don’t force yourself to do this,” Merlin begged.

“I’m not. I will admit I had forgotten about it in light of your distraction but that is just how it is. Extreme ups and downs,” Arthur explained.

“How long will this ‘up’ last?” Merlin asked, worriedly.

“I don’t know so we best make the most of it come on,” he urged holding out his hand to Merlin.

Merlin took it and allowed Arthur to lead him away.

 

 


	6. Sunrise at the Castle

Arthur took Merlin downstairs, to the garage, which housed his father’s small collection of cars. Merlin stayed close in the dark room, holding Arthur’s hand as he fumbled for the light switch with the other.

 “So where are we going then?” Arthur asked, leading Merlin to his bike.

“Bloody hell!” Merlin exclaimed, staring around the garage.

“Yes, yes my father’s cars are very impressive Merlin,” Arthur drawled, tossing Merlin a helmet.

Merlin caught it and placed it carefully on the bonnet of his father’s Rolls. “Well I’m sorry you took me by surprise with your fifty bloody cars,” Merlin replied, eyeing them enviously.

“There are seven cars in here Merlin, that one there is vintage. It’s for show, I’m not even allowed to touch it,” he said pointing to the old Aston Martin, which his father had lovingly restored. “And that one is Morgana’s,” he added pointing to her red convertible, “the rest are my father’s other cars, he doesn’t drive much anymore though. He always used to, he never wanted a driver when I was younger, he loved driving.”

“Where’s yours?” Merlin enquired, smirking at Arthur’s beaten up motorcycle.

“Don’t have one,” Arthur admitted.

“Can you drive though?”

“Of course I can drive,” Arthur replied thoughtlessly, “sorry,” he added carefully.

“Doesn’t matter, I love cars you know,” Merlin informed him, grinning at the look of surprise in his face. “I told you about Will right?”

Arthur nodded.

“His dad was a mechanic, I think Will is now. But his dad would always let us watch him tinkering with the cars. Until I was nine I wanted to be a race car driver.” Merlin said quietly, but he did not sound sad, just a little wistful.

“What changed?” Arthur asked, fiddling with the helmet he was holding.

“Oh my mum bought me my first book, I mean an empty one. It was so lovely, leather bound, crisp cream pages. She’d found it at a charity shop and thought of me. I just wrote and wrote in it, all sorts of nonsense, ridiculously long tales with very little plot. But she would always read them and she must have seen something because she kept encouraging me, buying me more books. Race cars were forgotten after that, but I still love cars, I wish I could drive a track just the once,” Merlin said.

“Maybe one day,” Arthur replied, “how about we take one of these out for a spin then?”

“Oh yes please,” Merlin agreed eagerly, looking at the Rolls longingly.

“We can only take the Mercedes I’m afraid, it’s the company car and my father always kept me on the insurance in case I ever came back,” Arthur explained, putting their stuff in the boot.

“No problem,” Merlin replied moving away from the Rolls and heading toward the Mercedes “Wow S-Class,” he breathed. “Very high power businessman, did you know Mercedes are the second favourite choice of car for CEOs?” he asked, grinning and blushing slightly as Arthur held the passenger door open for him.

“I did not, what’s the favourite?” Arthur asked, sliding into his own seat.

“BMW,” Merlin informed him, “What do you drive in New York?”

“Nothing, I’m driven,” Arthur explain.

“Ah how the other half live,” Merlin said, in a mocking tone.

“Indeed. So Morgana drives a BMW, do you reckon she’s making a statement?” Arthur asked.

“Maybe, but not that she wants to take over the company. The red convertible says that she’s fun and sexy. But the M6 is traditionally more of a man’s car, not that I believe any of that crap, but it just screams that she’s fierce and tough, so don’t mess with her.”

“Yeah her facial expression usually says that too,” Arthur agreed, firing up the engine, “so where to?” he asked, switching on the sat nav.

“Hm,” Merlin leant forward and punched some details into the screen.

“A castle?” Arthur enquired as their route was calculated.

“Yep.”

“We have a castle?” he asked, it was news to him.

“You didn’t know?” Merlin replied, surprised.

Arthur shook his head as he carefully reversed out of the garage and onto the drive. It was only a fifteen-minute drive through unfamiliar farmland to the castle. As Arthur drove through the countryside he realised he’d never really bothered to explore the area around his hometown, he’d never seen reason to before.

The castle itself was little more than a few walls with one remaining tower. Arthur wondered how safe it was.

“Wow it’s not much of a castle is it?” Arthur asked, eyeing the crumbling ruin of the former castle warily. “I wonder _why_ I never knew this was here,” he said dryly.

“It used to be, once upon a time,” Merlin said, jumping out of the car.

He bounced on his feet waiting for Arthur to switch off the engine and get out of the car. He watched as Arthur grabbed the bag with their food and blankets, making no move to help.

“Is it safe to leave it here?” Arthur asked, locking the car.

“Yeah, there are only farmers and sheep around here,” Merlin replied, grabbing Arthur’s wrist and pulling him toward the derelict building.

“Are we really allowed in there?” Arthur asked, trying to slow Merlin down.

“Technically no, but I come here all the time. No one’s ever here to tell me off,” Merlin informed him, in a hushed whisper, as if breaking into an abandoned castle was on the same crime level as robbing the Bank of England.

“You little troublemaker you,” Arthur said fondly, “is it safe though?” he asked eyeing the stone staircase carefully.

“Yeah it’s stable,” Merlin insisted, before bounding off up the stairs.

Arthur climbed the stairs more carefully, even with Merlin’s assurances they still looked like they could give way at any moment. Plus Merlin had left him with all the stuff to carry. When he finally reached to top of the tower he found Merlin leaning against the wall, facing him.

“Hey slowcoach,” he whispered.

“It’s still dark-”

“We’re in the middle of nowhere Arthur,” Merlin reminded him cheekily, “it’s getting lighter though, look.”

Arthur looked out over the tower wall, it was already dawn and he could see the light growing on the horizon.

“What are we going to do then? For this date,” he asked.

Merlin took the blankets from the bag Arthur had set at his feet, and swung it around Arthur’s shoulders before standing between him and the wall. Arthur pulled the blanket so that it wrapped around both of them.

“We could watch the sunrise,” Merlin suggested, “maybe eat in a bit.”

“Ok,” Arthur whispered, tightening his arms around Merlin’s waist and pressing his chin against his shoulder.

“This is one of my favourite places. I usually come here when I feel trapped or afraid, and I just stand up here looking out over the countryside and…”

“Pretend you’re the king of the castle?” Arthur guessed.

“No stupid that’s you. I would be the wizard,” Merlin informed him.

“Ah yeah of course. I suppose this would be your magical tower,” Arthur agreed.

He lent down to nose at Merlin’s neck, nibbling at the warm skin, breathing in his scent.

“I can’t believe you never knew about this place,” Merlin whispered, practically melting into Arthur’s embrace, leaning back against him, trusting Arthur to take his weight. “Oh the games you could have played, you could have had all the guys as your knights.”

“I was never really one for playing games, plus I wouldn’t have had my own Merlin would I?”

“That’s true, it would have been pretty rubbish without me. Shame I wasn’t around when you were growing up eh? You might have had fun, probably wouldn’t have gone crazy…”

“Wouldn’t you have been a baby though? That wouldn’t have been much fun carting you around in a pram. I probably would have gone crazy even sooner,” Arthur teased.

“Four year age difference Arthur and don’t be a twit,” Merlin replied.

“Aw I bet you were adorable, running around dressed as an ickle wizard,” Arthur continued with the teasing.

“Yep mum made me a costume once: robes, hat, a staff, the whole deal.” Merlin informed him.

Arthur could picture Merlin in a pointy wizard’s hat, the same cheeky grin plastered on his face. It made him think of a fancy dress party he’d gone to aged eight, the only one without a costume, because his mother had been ‘too tired’ that week to help him make one.

“Got any photos?” he asked, to distract himself from the memory.

“Ask my mum, she loves getting them out and embarrassing me,” Merlin said quietly.

“I will,” Arthur promised.

“Do you want to come round for tea tonight?” Merlin asked.

“I’d like to but…”

“It’s alright if you can’t. Just see how you feel, yeah?” he offered.

“I’m going to see a doctor I think. I don’t think I can just push past this by myself,” Arthur said quietly.

He closed his eyes and buried his face in Merlin’s hair. He’d always hated psychiatrists, he’d seen various doctors and counsellors as a kid, but in New York he only had an appointment twice a year, and it was little more than a check on how the antidepressants were working. Arthur’s main problem was that he disliked talking to them, but then he disliked talking to anyone.

“Good,” Merlin agreed, “I think you should, but you’re not alone, don’t forget that.”

“That’s true, I have you,” Arthur mumbled against the nape of Merlin’s neck.

“Yeah true, but you’ve got your dad and Morgana too. Plus all your friends, they all missed you, you know. Gwaine used to talk about you all the time.” Merlin told him.

Arthur was surprised at that, he had never thought about the effect his leaving would have on his friends. He remembered what his father had said about Gwaine trying to find out where he had gone. Arthur had expected them to forget him and move on, he had not exactly been a good friend when he had been around, always quiet, keeping himself to himself. However, they obviously cared about him anyway, they had all been so happy to see him again.

“I know, I can’t believe I stayed away for so long,” Arthur whispered.

“How long are you going to stay this time?” Merlin asked, his voice wobbling slightly.

“To be honest, I’d forgotten that I needed to go back,” Arthur admitted.

It was true he had barely thought about his life across the ocean. Apart from an email from Mithian, checking up on him and informing him that he wasn’t to come back until he was ready, he had had no contact from work. Outside of work, he had no one who would want to contact him, except possibly Mrs Fitzpatrick, the little old lady who lived on the ground floor and said hello to him every morning. Arthur doubted that she even had a computer, let alone knew how to send an email. He had no real friends or ties in America. Thinking about it, Arthur realised he could quite easily relocate to the London office. In fact he might even need to do that soon, his father was getting older and their head offices were based in England.

“You obviously don’t miss it,” Merlin said, interrupting his thoughts.

Arthur could not see his face but he could hear the smile in his voice. “I like it here I think,” he said.

“You think?” Merlin asked.

“Yeah, I mean I always hated it here when I was younger. It felt too quiet, too empty but it feels different now. I think when I was a teenager I always felt so alone, I was trapped in my head and this place didn’t help. This time I can see that others care about me, dad’s house almost feels like a home,” he said.

“I feel safe Arthur,” Merlin whispered.

“Isn’t that good?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“I haven’t felt safe, not like this, for a long time. I don’t know what to do with it. It took me ages to trust Gwaine and the gang, years really. But then you come sweeping into my life out of bloody nowhere, and I tell you all my secrets. I haven’t even lied to you in days Arthur… I haven’t lied... I haven’t… I can’t.”

Merlin began to shake in Arthur’s arms as he realised how much he had let down his defences.

“Hush Merlin it’s alright calm down,” Arthur soothed, stroking his hands over Merlin’s stomach.

Merlin twisted to face him and Arthur saw he had tears in his eyes.

“It’s not ok Arthur. I can’t trust you. I don’t _know_ you, people hurt me they always hurt me,” Merlin said brokenly.

“I won’t,” Arthur promised.

“I know and it scares me so much, I don’t think I can do this,” he insisted.

“You’d be right to stay away from me Merlin, I’m a mess, I push everyone away but I don’t think I could ever push you away.” Arthur said quietly. “But you’re wrong you know,” he added.

“Wrong about what?” Merlin asked, frowning at him.

“Even back at home you had people who cared about you,” Arthur reminded him.

“Oh yeah, three people,” Merlin scoffed.

“But they cared Merlin so when you say people always hurt you, you’re wrong. I’m not saying you should just trust everyone, absolutely not because from what I’ve seen there’s a lot of bad people out there still. But just try to remember that not everyone wants to hurt you,” Arthur said softly. “It’s not a good place to be, mentally, believing that everyone is going to hurt you.”

“It’s not that simple Arthur,” Merlin insisted.

“I know.”

“What’s wrong with us? This is completely insane, we should be running away from each other but all I want to do is spend every minute of the day with you.” Merlin asked, pulling away from Arthur and leaning back against the wall.

“I know what you mean, and I should send you away because when I’m around you everything feels easier, everything's not as dark. I need to be careful or I’ll become dependent on you,” Arthur said.

“You mean I’ll become your new drug?” Merlin asked, smirking slightly.

“Something like that,” Arthur agreed, taking hold of Merlin’s elbow and pulling him closer again.

“Will you leave then? Go back to New York?” Merlin asked, sounding defeated.

“I don’t know, I think I should for a bit. But if I do I’ll come back, I’ve never thought about the future before Merlin. Before you it was just the same day in, day out. I could see it stretching on for the rest of my life, black, white and grey, and you came in in a whirlwind of colour.”

Merlin sniggered. “Very poetic Arthur,” he joked.

“Pouring my heart out here,” Arthur replied.

“I know, it’s a defence mechanism. Your blatant vulnerability made me nervous,” Merlin said apologetically.

“Well I… I don’t want to scare you more, but…”

“Let’s just take it a day at a time Arthur. Maybe you’ll go back to New York, maybe you won’t but I’ll always be here, I’m not going anywhere.” Merlin promised, “I could never move to New York Arthur,” he added.

“I would never make you. We won’t need to anyway, we can send my dad off to a retirement home and take over the big house,” he suggested.

“I have met your dad, he plays golf with Gaius. I hardly think he’ll let you kick him out of his home.” Merlin replied smugly.

He reached up and wrapped his arms tentatively around Arthur’s neck. “I don’t want you to leave,” he whispered. “You make me feel safe, I haven’t felt safe, not like this for so long.”

“You are safe here, with me,” Arthur promised, rubbing a thumb over Merlin’s bottom lip.

He leant down and pressed his lips against Merlin’s, kissing him chastely before pulling back, to check that it was okay.

Merlin smiled weakly at him. “This is a really stupid idea,” he warned.

“Kissing?”

“All of it. Arthur your mum _died,_ have you forgotten that? Because apart from one drunken confession, I haven’t heard you mention her since you told me she died. You’ve come home to this place you’ve hated for ten years, and you’ve stopped taking the antidepressants that you’ve been on since you were a kid. Which is pretty reckless by the way. This is possibly the worst time to start something like this.” Merlin said, biting his lip.

“We’re not starting anything,” Arthur replied.

“We’re not?” Merlin asked confused.

“We started this when you invited me to you house for dinner, this is just continuing things.” Arthur explained.

Merlin rolled his eyes, he tried to look mad but his lips were twitching, fighting a smile.

“You’re special Merlin, I want to be strong like you,” Arthur whispered.

“It’s going to get worse isn’t it?”

“Yeah… yeah it’s going to get a lot worse, it has to before it gets better. I’ll probably end up back on some form of medication. But there’s better drugs, ones that help the problem rather than mask it. I have a lot of baggage to deal with, but I’m going to see a proper doctor,” Arthur informed him. “The sun’s coming up,” he added quietly.

“A new day,” Merlin whispered.

Arthur smiled, and leant down. “A new day,” he repeated, “let’s _continue_ things,” he suggested.

He wanted to kiss Merlin again but he hesitated, scanning Merlin’s eyes for any sign of reluctance, only when he found none did he press forward, capturing Merlin’s mouth with his own. He started slow and gentle, it was not their first kiss but he knew how vulnerable Merlin was feeling right now, so he wanted to be careful.

He also wanted this to last because part of him worried that Merlin was going to flee as soon as they left the castle. He already seemed so afraid.

Arthur was not going to ruin this though, he was set on that. All his life everything had seemed grey and boring, he had never had an interest in anything. But Merlin… he _wanted_ Merlin, as a friend, as a lover, a boyfriend and a confidant. He wanted Merlin in his life, like he had never wanted anything before and he knew it was not healthy to fixate on the first thing to capture his attention in this way. However, Merlin made him happy and he would forever associate Merlin with happiness, he could not help it.

When Merlin tilted his head to the side Arthur parted his lips, giving Merlin control over the kiss felt like the right thing to do. He let his hands fall to Merlin’s waist, holding him gently. Merlin seemed to understand what Arthur was doing and he smiled against his mouth before he licked into Arthur’s mouth, tasting him cautiously.

Arthur met Merlin’s tongue with vigour causing him to shudder in his arms. He clutched desperately at Arthur’s shoulders and pulled back slightly to suck Arthur’s lower lip between his teeth.

At that Arthur lost some of his restraint, he stepped to the side, dragging Merlin with him so that he could push him up against the higher wall, knocking the breath out of him. Merlin’s legs fell apart slightly, allowing Arthur to step between them and pin him fully to the wall. Merlin tangled his hands through Arthur’s hair, encouraging him to continue, with little breathless moans.

Arthur was very willing to oblige, removing his lips from Merlin’s and kissing his way down his neck. He licked and nibbled at the pale exposed flesh, pressing his teeth to the angular contours of Merlin’s throat. Merlin was shaking beneath him now and with their hips pressed together, Arthur could feel how far this was going to go if he didn’t slow things down. His hands moved to the hem of Merlin’s jumper, sliding underneath to touch his warm skin, but they stilled there, just holding him.

“Arthur,” Merlin gasped, his hands joining Arthur’s, urging him to keep going.

Arthur stopped where he was sucking a bruise onto Merlin’s collarbone and pressed his forehead against his shoulder. He took a few calming breaths, trying to cool down.

“Arthur…” Merlin repeated, a desperate edge in his tone.

“Merlin we need to slow down a bit,” Arthur murmured, taking another deep breath, “If I don’t stop now Merlin I’ll...”

He pulled back slightly, to look at Merlin, he looked absolutely wrecked. His face was flushed and his eyes were unfocussed. He was breathing heavily, and his hands were clutching at Arthur’s waist desperately, pulling him closer.

“Arthur I want to,” Merlin begged.

“I can tell,” Arthur said quietly, and he could, he could feel how much Merlin wanted to pressed up against him.

“Well let’s, we have blankets,” Merlin insisted.

Arthur could actually see the trust in Merlin’s eyes, trust that probably had not been there for a long time. He wanted nothing more than to take what Merlin was offering. Kissing Merlin made him feel amazing, made him feel loved and wanted. It was something he hadn’t felt in a long time, better than any feeling a drug would provide. Sex with Merlin would probably give him a high which could last for days, but it wouldn’t be right.

“Merlin you don’t want your first time to be in a crumbling castle,” Arthur said gently.

“Oh,” Merlin said sadly, ducking his head in disappointment.

“That’s more of a fifth or sixth time experience,” Arthur said lightly.

Merlin looked back up at him. “You would know,” he joked, his eyes brightening again, his lips turning up and his eyes crinkling with amusement.

“Oh yeah what with all the castles they have in New York City,” Arthur replied rolling his eyes.

“Pub toilets more like,” Merlin replied, before ducking his head again.

“What are you trying to say Merlin?” Arthur said quietly.

“Nothing I didn’t mean it,” Merlin said worriedly.

“You’d be right though, I’ve never had sex with romance and love involved. I want this to be good for you, which will work better if you’re somewhere comfortable. Also I don’t go to pubs,” Arthur said, staring into Merlin’s wide eyes.

“Glamorous city gay bars?” Merlin suggested with a small smile.

He turned his head and looked over his shoulder. “We missed the sunrise,” he observed.

“Yeah well I was a little distracted,” Arthur agreed, “you can see the whole town from up here.”

“I know. In winter when it’s really cold and grey, you can’t see anything but the fog and it feels like you’re the only person in the world.”

“I bet that’s nice, sounds lonely though. What time do you need to get work?” Arthur asked.

“Eight thirty,” Merlin whispered.

“Ages then,” Arthur said happily.

 “Yeah come and sit up here,” Merlin said, patting the crenel in the wall.

Arthur swung himself up and let his legs dangle over the edge. He allowed Merlin to climb onto his knee, securing the clumsy man before leaning against the wall.

“I could stay here forever,” he whispered.

“Nah you’d get bored,” Merlin argued gently, tangling their fingers.

They sat up on the tall tower for as long as they could, talking of inconsequential things, keeping the topics light instead of broaching the more serious issues. At one point Arthur made Merlin climb down and get their food but other than that, they stayed wrapped in each other until Arthur had to take Merlin home.

 

Arthur had planned to take Merlin to work via his house so that he could get changed, but by the time they got back to town it was a quarter to nine. Merlin insisted he was fine to go straight to work, so Arthur parked his father’s car outside the library and walked Merlin to the door.

“Everyone’s going to know you didn’t come home last night, you’ve got that dishevelled look,” Arthur teased.

“Shut up,” Merlin muttered, smoothing his hair down and unlocking the door.

Arthur laughed and kissed Merlin, until he was blushing, before taking a step back.

“I’m going to talk to Gaius, I’ll come by in a bit with lunch,” he said.

 

Arthur crossed the road and walked down the high street to the small hospital. Just like it had been the other day, the waiting room was deserted. Arthur approached the reception desk wondering what he could say to swing an appointment with the doctor.

The receptionist looked up from her paperwork as he walked up. “Can I help you Mr Pendragon?”

“Hello, I don’t have an appointment but I would like to speak to er… Dr Freeman,” Arthur replied.

“Let me check, he’s quite busy this morning. He works up at Albion on a few afternoons a week you see.” She explained.

Albion was the larger hospital in the city, Arthur remembered going there to visit his mother after she had first had her accident. He remembered sitting in silence by her bedside while she stared into space and his father tried to get her to respond to something. Then there were all the appointments he had had to suffer with Dr Muirden, those had been at Albion as well.

“He did say he wanted to see you again though,” the woman said, pulling Arthur back to the present. “I’ll just go check,” she said, walking through the door to the doctor’s offices.

Arthur leant against the desk and pulled out his phone while he waited for the receptionist to return.

He had two texts, the first one was from Morgana:

_Did you steal father’s car to stop him driving to work this morning or have you and Merlin eloped?_

The second was from his father:

_Arthur, I’m glad you’ve decided to go for a drive but please be careful with my car. Uther Pendragon._

Arthur laughed at his father’s text, he still always signed them Uther Pendragon, even though both he and Morgana had informed him that the phone always remembered his number. His father had simply told them that he would always sign his name because it was proper etiquette. Arthur didn’t know whether he really believed this, or was embarrassed that he hadn’t realised their phones informed them of the sender.

Arthur decided not to bother replying to Morgana, letting her wait. She hated not knowing every little detail of his life. Now that interesting things were happening in it, wondering where he and Merlin had disappeared to would be killing her. He texted his father to inform him that he would be back that afternoon and that he would indeed be careful with the car.

“Dr Freeman will see you now,” the receptionist said, returning to her desk.

Arthur thanked her and made his way to Gaius’ office. He knocked on the open door before entering.

“Ah hello Arthur,” Gaius said brightly, “how are you feeling?”

“Quite good, thank you Gaius,” Arthur replied sitting down. “Why do you work out here Gaius? You’re a neurologist, shouldn’t you be working at Albion full time?” he enquired, not wanting to jump into a discussion about his mental health straight away.

“Arthur I’m very nearly retired now. I took over this practice with Alice nine years ago when city living became too much for us. I still have enough local patients, but most of my work is in research these days.” Gaius informed him, “I moved to here at your father’s request though, he wanted me to care for your mother.

“Thankfully Alice and I were settled in when Hunith and Merlin had to move here. I hear you’ve met Merlin,” he said, eye twinkling.

Arthur remembered Merlin informing him that Gaius was his godfather. “Yes I have,” he replied warily.

“Hunith has told me she has hardly seen the boy these past few days, it’s nice that he’s getting out and about,” Gaius said, smiling at him.

“I stopped taking the antidepressants,” Arthur confessed, suddenly.

“Arthur-”

“I feel better now,” Arthur insisted.

“That was very foolish Arthur,” Gaius said, “you were taking hell of a lot of medication, you could do yourself serious harm by stopping them cold turkey.” he said, reprimanding him.

“But I felt so numb,” Arthur replied.

“I know that Arthur but it’s still dangerous. Have you had any episodes?” Gaius asked.

He was typing something into his computer but most of his attention was focussed on Arthur, scrutinizing him.

“I had a panic attack yesterday morning, and then there were voices in my head last night, they’ve gone now though.” Arthur admitted.

“You must know that it won’t last.” Gaius insisted.

“I know but I’d rather feel sad than numb,” Arthur argued, fidgeting in his chair, uncomfortable under Gaius’ gaze.

“But it’s not feeling sad is it Arthur?” Gaius pressed.

“No that’s not even close to how bad it gets, it’s crushing and painful. It’s terrifying, I feel like I’m drowning, like I’m dying. But I still think it’s better than the numb, unfeeling state. At least this way I know I’m alive,” Arthur said quietly.

“That’s dangerous thinking, Arthur,” Gaius warned.

“I know.”

Gaius clicked at something on the screen. “Are you going back to New York Arthur?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“I’m arranging a meeting for you with an old friend of mine, Dr Blake. She’s an esteemed psychiatrist in the city and I think she might be able to help you. When do you go back?”

“I don’t know, I’m supposed to go back on Sunday,” Arthur admitted reluctantly.

It looked like he would indeed be returning to New York.

“Right I’ll tell her you’re free to meet from next Tuesday. I’ll send her an email, with your number and email address, and she’ll contact you.”

“Ok,” Arthur said quietly, wishing he’d told Gaius a later date.

“She’s a bit different to the psychiatrists you’ll be used to. I think the word I would use to describe would be ‘alternative’. She’s qualified but she likes to do things a bit differently to most shrinks. However, given your track record I think she might be just what you need.”

“Ok,” Arthur repeated hesitantly.

“Now here’s my mobile phone number Arthur,” Gaius said, taking out a card, “I’m worried about you without the meds, so while you’re here you can ring me if you need to alright?”

“Thank you Gaius,” Arthur replied, programming the number into his phone.

They both rose as Arthur made to leave the office. “I’ll come and see you again before I leave” Arthur told him.

 

After he left the hospital, Arthur went to the newsagents to pick up some lunch for himself and Merlin. Then he walked over to the library with two boring sandwiches in hand and a couple of bags of crisps. When he pushed the door open he found Mordred and Gwaine standing over Merlin’s desk, it was obvious that they were teasing him.

Arthur watched them carefully, observing their body language. Mordred was quite comfortable getting in Merlin’s space, which Merlin seemed relaxed about, but Gwaine was keeping a respectable distance, leaning against the shelves. Arthur smiled; Gwaine may have been too forward and a little blunt at times but he was a good man and Arthur had missed him, he’d missed all of them.

“I didn’t know you could read Gwaine,” Arthur drawled, walking toward them.

He looked at Merlin and grinned at his bright red cheeks.

“We’re not here to read, we’re here to check on ickle Merlin’s virtue. Rumour has it he didn’t come home last night. Poor Hunith was out of her mind with worry.” Gwaine said, mock seriously.

“No she wasn’t actually, she seemed pleased,” Mordred interjected, before Merlin could argue, “I believe her words were, ‘It’s best for any hanky panky to happen at Arthur’s place, he’s probably got a four poster bed,’” he said, clearly trying to contain his laughter.

Gwaine cracked up at that, Arthur blushed slightly, not as bad as Merlin who was looking down at his desk studiously, trying to ignore them all.

“So Pendragon, you have your wicked way with Merlin then?” Gwaine asked.

“No actually, Merlin told me a story, then we cuddled and went to sleep,” Arthur informed him.

“God you’re boring,” Gwaine muttered.

“And you’re intruding. Merlin and I have a lunch date, so if you wouldn’t mind,” Arthur said, gesturing with his hands that it was time for Gwaine to leave.

“I am a customer-”

“Do you even have a library card?” Arthur demanded

“Yes actually,” Gwaine argued, grabbing his wallet.

“Mordred,” Merlin whispered, looking at Mordred desperately.

“Come on Gwaine, we’re leaving,” Mordred said decisively, “see you tonight Merls?”

“Yeah,” Merlin agreed, waving them off.

Gwaine looked ready to protest but Mordred managed to steer him out of the door, without any further arguments.

“You alright Merlin?” Arthur asked quietly.

“Mm I just have a headache,” Merlin replied, “lunch?”

“Yeah I’ve got some boring sandwiches, but I got Monster Munch to spice them up,” Arthur informed him, waving the crisp packets in his face.

“Thanks Arthur,” Merlin said tiredly.

He did not get up from his seat, just leant back and closed his eyes. Arthur pulled up another chair and handed Merlin the food.

“So what did Gaius say?” Merlin asked, eyes still closed.

“He’s setting me up with a psychiatrist he knows in New York,” Arthur informed him.

Merlin finally opened his eyes and moved his chair closer to Arthur’s, propping his feet in his lap. “Cool,”

“Yeah apparently she’s a bit different to the ones I’m used to,” Arthur told him.

“Well that’s probably what you need,” Merlin said.

“Yes that’s what Gaius said,” Arthur agreed.

“So you’re going back then?”

“I’ll be leaving on Sunday,” Arthur said quietly, “I need to sort myself out, otherwise you’ll get hurt and I don’t want to do that,” he whispered.

“I get it, but you’ll come back right?” Merlin asked and Arthur could hear the worry in his tone.

“Knight’s honour,” Arthur said solemnly, placing a hand on his heart.

Merlin chuckled. “You prat,” he said fondly, putting down the food he’d barely touched.

He leaned back his chair and closed his eyes again.

Arthur frowned. “Merlin are you sure you’re alright? You look ever so pale.”

Merlin pressed his hands to his forehead and stood up, walking around the desk. “Headache,” he muttered through gritted teeth.

“Merlin?” Arthur repeated, getting up and in front of Merlin, who was trembling at this point.

“I fuck, I… I-”

Merlin stiffened suddenly and his eyes rolled back in his head, so that Arthur could only see the whites.

“Shit!” Arthur cried rushing forward as Merlin’s body seemed to fling itself forwards.

He managed to get close enough catch Merlin’s head before it hit the ground but he wasn’t able to stop his back hitting the floor as his body convulsed. He had no idea what to do, no way of controlling Merlin’s thrashing body so he held onto his unprotected head and waited for it to pass. Merlin continued to jerk and shudder as his limbs flailed wildly.

Arthur cradled Merlin’s head in one hand and reached for his mobile with the other. As fast as he could he dialled the number he’d programmed just that morning.

As it rang Arthur prayed that Gaius would pick up, which thankfully he did after six rings.

“Hello, Dr Freeman here.”

“Gaius it’s Arthur, I need help,” Arthur said desperately as he tried to keep hold of Merlin’s head.

“What’s happened Arthur?”

“Merlin’s having a fit, what do I do?” Arthur asked.

“Are you at the library?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll be right over, try not to let him hit his head.” Gaius instructed, then the line went dead.

Arthur dropped his phone and grabbed Merlin’s head with his other hand. He held on for what felt like hours but in reality, it was only a few minutes before Merlin’s violent shaking became twitches and then he went very still. Arthur looked at him terrified, his breathing was barely noticeable and his face was grey.

Arthur stroked his face, afraid to do anything more. “Merlin wake up, please just wake up,” he murmured.

The door of the library opened and Gaius rushed in.

“Gaius help,” Arthur begged.

“It’s alright, he’s breathing fine now,” Gaius replied, as he checked Merlin over.

Gaius held open Merlin’s eyes, nodding to himself, he then opened Merlin’s mouth.

“What are you doing?” Arthur asked.

“Checking he hasn’t bitten his tongue. He seems fine Arthur,” Gaius said, clearly trying to reassure him.

“No he isn’t he just collapsed, he had a fit Gaius, he could’ve been hurt and-”

“Merlin is epileptic Arthur, this happens sometimes. I assure you Merlin wasn’t in severe danger,” he insisted.

“If I hadn’t have been here-”

“Then yes it could have been much worse, but you were here.” Gaius said calmly.

“But-

“If you hadn’t been Merlin would’ve fitted, possibly hit his head and knocked himself out. But someone would have come in eventually. If not his mother and Mordred knew where he was, they would have found him Arthur. I’ve seen him have much worse than this.”

“Ok, should we take him to the hospital?” Arthur asked.

“No, let him wake and then he’ll probably want to go home. He should come round in a minute, he’ll be tired, and will be feeling ill,” Gaius warned.

Gaius sat with him quietly while they waited. It took a few more minutes but eventually Merlin’s eyes flickered open. They were clouded and confused.

“Arthur,” he choked, looking up at Arthur.

“I’m here Merlin I’m here,” Arthur whispered.

“Forgot my meds,” Merlin told him quietly.

“I’m going to drive you home,” Arthur said gently, stroking his hair.

Gaius nodded and stood to open the door. Merlin just closed his eyes again, so Arthur scooped him up and carried him out to the car. Merlin did not wake at all, even when Arthur buckled him into his seat.

Arthur closed the door and turned back to thank Gaius.

“Hunith will still be at the school so if you could stay with him until she gets home.” Gaius suggested.

“Should I call her?”

“No, she’ll only worry. He’s ok,” Gaius insisted.

Arthur nodded and walked round to the driver’s side, he got in the car and buckled up but he could not start the engine. He just stared at Merlin curled in the passenger seat, looking so small and pale. It took Gaius tapping on the window to nudge him into action and start the car.

 

 

 


	7. A better way to deal with things

Arthur drove back as quickly as was safe, constantly glancing over to check on Merlin as if he was going to fade away when he wasn’t looking. Merlin slept the whole way home, not stirring at all, even when Arthur gave his shoulder a shake. When they pulled up at the house he leant over to stroke Merlin’s forehead, it was damp and clammy, which worried Arthur. Arthur took Merlin’s keys from his pocket and went into the house to see if Mordred was around to help out.

Arthur found him in the living room, sprawled across the sofa. Gwaine was sitting in the armchair, and they were playing videogames. When Arthur entered the room Mordred didn’t look up from the television, but Gwaine did.

“Pendragon what are you doing here?” Gwaine asked, pausing the game.

“Mordred, Merlin’s in my car, he had a fit at the library,” Arthur said, wringing his hands.

Mordred and Gwaine stood up from their seats, Gwaine looked a little concerned but Mordred was calm.

“We’ll bring him inside. Gwaine go home,” Mordred ordered.

Gwaine did not argue, he just gave them a wave and walked out of the front door. Arthur and Mordred followed him, but stopped at the car. Arthur scooped the still sleeping Merlin out of the car and carried him to the house where Mordred ushered them upstairs.

Together they got Merlin into to bed and made sure he was warm and comfortable. Then Mordred took Arthur by the arm and pulled him out of the room, before he could try to protest. They went downstairs to the kitchen, where Mordred switched on the kettle and got two cups out of the cupboard. Arthur leaned against the counter and placed his head in his hands. Mordred turned round to face him.

“Are you all right?” Mordred asked.

“Am I alright?” Arthur said, looking up from his hands in surprise.

“Yes Arthur. Are you alright? Because Merlin has epilepsy and we’re all used to it by now, but you’re not. I know how scary it can look,” Mordred said, pouring the tea.

“I thought he was going to die,” Arthur said, taking the cup Mordred offered and staring into it as if it contained all the answers.

“He’ll be ok, you know that right?” Mordred asked.

“I was so scared though,” Arthur said.

“The first time I saw Merlin have a fit, he went headfirst down the stairs. I just stood there and screamed so loud Hunith came running back in from the car. I thought he’d broken his neck. But he’s made of stronger stuff, he’s fine always bounces back,” Mordred said.

He placed a hand on Arthur’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

Arthur nodded. “I’ll talk to him when he wakes up.”

“No, wait until tomorrow, he’ll be really cranky when he wakes, he always is.” Mordred gave Arthur a push toward the living room. “I’ll assume you’ll be staying for the afternoon?”

“Yeah,” Arthur said, sitting down on the sofa. “I’m supposed to go back to New York at the weekend,” he added, chewing his lip.

“Does Merlin know?”

“Yeah we’ve talked about it. I’m going to come back though,” Arthur said, finally relaxing against the sofa.

“If you don’t, I’ll come find you,” Mordred replied calmly.

“Really?”

“Oh yeah I have my contacts,” Mordred said.

“Duly noted.”

Mordred smiled and got up from the sofa leaving the room. He returned a few minutes later with notebooks and textbooks. He set himself up at the dining room table.

“You don’t have to stay with me if you have work to do,” Arthur said.

“It’s alright, I don’t mind.”

Arthur stayed there all afternoon, waiting for Merlin to wake. He sat in the living room with Mordred even though he really wanted to sit in Merlin’s room. Mordred advised against it, so instead Arthur stayed and chatted with him about his degree and Arthur’s life in New York while he did his coursework.

After a few hours Hunith walked in looking a little harried. She put down her bag and started rifling through it before she realised Arthur was there, and dropped the papers in surprise.

“Oh hello Arthur dear. What are you doing here?” she asked, yawning.

“I… er…”

“Arthur’s staying for dinner, Hunith,” Mordred said, turning away from his work.

“Oh how wonderful,” Hunith said picking up the papers she had dropped. “I’m afraid I'm too tired to cook, but we can order a takeaway.”

“Sounds lovely,” Arthur said, getting up to help her. “How was school?”

“Thank you,” she said, taking the pile from Arthur. “Oh it was exhausting, I teach year six and they’re getting to that stage where they want to be moving on to their new schools, but at the same time they want to stay. It’s a lot of attitude and tempers at the moment, and even some tears. It’ll pass though.” Hunith said, sitting down on the sofa with Arthur.

She leant back and closed her eyes. “Is Merlin still at the library?”

“No. Arthur brought him home,” Mordred said.

Hunith must have sensed something in his quiet tone because she sat back up and looked at him with slight worry on her face.

“He had a fit at work. He’s sleeping now,” Mordred told her.

Hunith’s face fell but then she pasted on a cheery smile and turned to Arthur. “See that’s what happens when you stay out all night, with whatever mischief you boys got up to.” She said, smile still in place.

“I… I…” Arthur stammered.

“I’m joking sweetie,” she said, the smile dropping and her tired expression returning. “It’s how we deal in this house I’m afraid. I’ll let Merlin sleep for another hour, then I’ll wake him up and we can order dinner. Can you lads amuse yourselves for a bit?”

“Alright Hunith,” Mordred said, getting up from the table and throwing himself down in the armchair. “Do you want to play Call of Duty?” he asked Arthur, throwing him a controller.

“Ok,” Arthur said. He turned the controller over in his hands, staring at it. “I’ve never played it,” he said.

“I’ll teach you it’s easy,” Mordred said, turning on the television.

Hunith smiled at the pair and left the room, they heard her sneak into Merlin’s room.

“She likes to pretend that it doesn’t affect her for Merlin’s sake, ours too probably, but I’ve found her crying by herself sometimes.” Mordred whispered. “And Merlin just acts like it’s no big deal, the fits not his mum.”

“You don’t really deal with things in this family huh?”

“From what I’ve heard it’s the same in yours.”

“Pretty much.”

“So come on let me beat you at every video game I have,” Mordred said.

After an hour of having his arse handed to him at various videogames, Hunith came back into the living room and informed them she was going to order their dinner. She handed them some menus and went back upstairs to wake Merlin.

“So you totally suck at video games,” Mordred said, snatching the menus from Arthur’s hands. “Daddy Pendragon never buy you a PlayStation?”

“No he did, but I never really got into it,” Arthur said, taking back a menu.

“Fair enough, what do you fancy? Pizza, Chinese, or Indian? These are your only options out here I’m afraid,” Mordred asked.

“Oh I don’t really mind-”

“Arthur what are you still doing here?” Merlin asked, coming down the stairs in front of his mother.

He ran a hand through his hair, yawning.

“You invited me for dinner, remember?”

“Yeah but that was before…” Merlin trailed off as he perched on the arm of the couch.

He sat there watching Arthur nervously.

“What? You think I’m going to ditch you because you had a fit?” Arthur asked.

Merlin shrugged and turned away from Arthur, staring out of the window. Arthur was about to speak when Mordred pulled him closer, to whisper in his ear.

“He’s embarrassed don’t call him on it here. Wait it out till after dinner.”

Dinner was a strained affair, Merlin refused to speak to any of them, instead eating his pizza in sullen silence. Hunith and Mordred seemed to be used to this attitude because they kept up a conversation in order to try and make Arthur feel more comfortable. It didn’t work because the conversation was stilted and unnatural, but Arthur waited it out, wanting to speak to Merlin as soon as they were alone.

After dinner Mordred escaped to his room and Merlin looked like he wanted to do the same but Hunith pushed him toward the sofa. Arthur heard her hissing at him to play nice, so he followed Merlin and sat down next to him.

“Alright boys I’m going to pop over and see Gaius for a bit,” Hunith said, stroking Merlin’s hair.

“Ok mum,” Merlin mumbled, batting her hands away.

When she left Merlin just sat there in silence, ignoring him. Arthur didn’t know what to do to make things right.

“Merlin?”

“Aren’t you going to go home?” Merlin said, finally looking at him.

“No, unless you want me to. Do you want me to go?” Arthur asked.

Merlin looked down at his hands. “No,” he said.

“Merlin what’s wrong?” Arthur asked, taking Merlin’s hands into his own.

“Aren’t you freaked out?”

“Because you had a seizure? No I’m not freaked out Merlin. I was scared when it happened, terrified in fact, and I didn’t know what to do. But I don’t think any less of you Merlin, you’re still the same person you were yesterday, except you know a bit moodier,” Arthur said.

“When people see it, they treat me differently, carefully. They treat me like I’m made of glass, and it makes me feel even shittier about the whole thing,” Merlin said.

He looked up at Arthur again, his eyes shining slightly.

“I’m not going to treat you like glass, because you’re not. You didn’t break today,” Arthur said, running his thumb over Merlin’s knuckles.

“No I never do. I’ve never actually broken a bone from a fit, quite a few bruises though.”

“How’s your back?” Arthur said, remembering how hard Merlin had crashed into the floor earlier.

“It hurts,” Merlin admitted.

“Can I see?”

“Yeah,” Merlin said, nodding and slowly pulling off his shirt.

He turned around so that his back was to Arthur. Arthur gasped as he took in the purpling marks on Merlin’s back.

“That bad?” Merlin whispered.

“I don’t know why you thought I would treat you like you were fragile Merlin. That is easily the most painful looking bruise I’ve ever seen and you’re walking around as if it doesn’t hurt.” Arthur said, running a finger down Merlin’s spine gently. “If it was me I would have just taken a hundred painkillers and gone to bed. Doesn’t it hurt?”

“A bit,” Merlin mumbled, he shuddered as Arthur continued to trail his fingers over Merlin’s back.

He traced around the outline of the bruise

“Tickles,” Merlin said, leaning back into his touch.

Arthur chuckled and leaned forward to press gentle kisses down Merlin’s spine.

“Arthur,” Merlin said, in a low voice.

“I’ll make it better,” Arthur promised.

He pushed Merlin forward so that his chest was pressed against the arm of the sofa. Arthur shifted so that his knees were straddling Merlin’s hips, holding him still against the couch. He trailed his fingers down Merlin’s back, until he reached his hips, where they settled, holding tightly.

He moved and shifted, covering Merlin’s body with his own.

“Ok? I’m not hurting you?” Arthur asked, holding himself carefully, not wanting to put pressure on Merlin’s back.

“No it feels, I feel protected,” Merlin said, his eyes flickering closed as Arthur moved to kiss him.

Arthur moved his hands from Merlin’s hips to wrap his arms around him, holding him safe and secure. He began to pepper kisses across Merlin’s jaw, down his neck, across his shoulders. He sucked newer smaller bruises onto Merlin’s upper back until Merlin was shaking beneath him.

“Arthur,” Merlin said, “I… um… Arthur…”

“Merlin I want… I can wait… I can slow down, but god I want… you are something else and… I need you.”

“I want to,” Merlin said quietly.

Arthur’s eyes were closed but he could feel the heat from Merlin’s face. “I’ll go slowly,” he promised.

“I need…” Merlin managed to wriggle free and turn onto his back to look at Arthur. “I need some control Arthur.”

He held himself up on his elbows so that he wasn’t quite touching the sofa. He pushed at Arthur who laid back willingly allowing Merlin to settle between his legs.

“I hate losing control,” Merlin whispered, reaching out to stroke Arthur’s chest absentmindedly.

“It will feel good,” Arthur said, as Merlin slipped Arthur’s shirt over his head, before he returned his finger’s to Arthur’s bare skin.

“Yeah,” Merlin agreed, seeming rather distracted by the feel of Arthur’s chest under his fingertips. “I want to Arthur, I trust you,” he said, but there was worry in his eyes.

“Come here then,” Arthur said softly, pulling Merlin down.

Merlin came willingly, so that they were chest to chest. Arthur ran one hand lazily down Merlin’s back and used the other to cradle his head, pulling him forward for a kiss. Their mouths met harder than before and Arthur could feel the desperation in Merlin’s touch as his hands gripped at Arthur’s arms, holding him desperately. Merlin was trembling as it his body was strung tight.

“Relax Merlin,” Arthur whispered against his neck, “I’ve got you,” he promised.

It had the opposite effect, Merlin’s muscles tensed further, he was almost vibrating with the strain of trying to maintain control of his body.

“Merlin,” Arthur murmured, “trust me, let me show you. You’ll still have control.”

He stopped kissing every inch of Merlin’s exposed skin, and looked into his eyes expectantly.

“I’m scared,” Merlin said, looking back at him.

“I know, but I promise if you want to stop, no matter how far we get I’ll stop,”

“But I’m scared that I won’t be able to ask you to stop,”

Arthur realised that Merlin wasn’t just afraid of losing control of his body, but he was also afraid of getting into the state where his thoughts were no longer coherent.

“It’s ok, trust me Merlin.”

Arthur saw it then, the last bit of hesitance leave Merlin’s eyes before all the tension bled out of him and he relaxed fully into his arms.

“Ok?”

Merlin nodded, clearly not trusting his own voice. Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin’s back, gently. He shifted so that he was sitting up with Merlin in his lap. He kissed Merlin just enough to get him breathless before moving lower, down his neck and sucking more bruises onto his skin.

Merlin’s hands were in his hair, he seemed to have a thing for pulling at hair and he wasn’t gentle but it only served to spur Arthur on. He tipped them forward so that Merlin was lying back against the couch again.

“Ok?” Arthur asked, lifting up slightly.

Merlin just nodded and pulled him down, crashing their lips together in a clumsy kiss, too distracted to care about his back. It would probably hurt tomorrow but they were both too caught up in the moment to worry about it. Merlin’s control of the kiss was messy and inexperienced and their teeth clacked together as he pressed their mouths together desperately, but Arthur didn’t care. The messy slide of their lips held far more emotion than any other kiss he’d ever experienced.

When Arthur’s hands slipped to the waistband of Merlin’s trousers, Merlin broke away panting. His eyes were dark, and beads of sweat were trickling down from his forehead.

“Too much?” Arthur said through gritted teeth, as he tried to reign himself in.

“No, just not here,” Merlin answered breathlessly.

Arthur looked around and realised they were still in Merlin’s living room, where Mordred, or his mother could walk in at any moment.

He chuckled low in his throat and eased off Merlin, pulling him up with him. “Let’s go upstairs,” he suggested.

“Yeah,” Merlin breathed.

Arthur let Merlin drag him up the stairs, they got halfway up when Merlin pushed him up against the banister, kissing him again desperately. Arthur knew exactly how he felt, he didn’t want to lose contact with Merlin for even a moment. Merlin stumbled as they tried to keep climbing and kissing, but Arthur caught him and held him safe in his strong arms.

They stopped again in the hallway, Arthur lifted Merlin up onto the banister so that he could wrap his long legs around Arthur’s waist. He then picked him back up and walked backwards until he was pressed against the wall. He stopped kissing when he noticed Mordred watching them through his open door.

“Er…” Arthur said nervously, but Mordred didn’t look like he was going to pull the ‘be careful with my brother’ card tonight. Instead he looked amused.

“Try to keep it down boys,” Mordred said, winking before kicking his door shut.

Merlin slid down Arthur and shoved him into his bedroom, stumbling over the clothes and books scattered around and pushed him onto the bed. He turned around and walked toward the door.

“Back in a minute,” he muttered.

Arthur laid back on the bed and tried to calm his pounding heart. To help make Merlin feel more comfortable, he unbuckled his belt and stripped off his jeans and boxers and arranged himself on Merlin’s bed, in what he thought was a seductive position: lying on his side, head propped up on his elbow.

It worked because Merlin stopped dead when he entered the room, he shut the door behind him and leaned against it, eyes squeezed shut and his hand moving distractedly down to his crotch, pressing against it as he tried to calm down.

In his other hand he had the little foil packets that Arthur realised he must have gotten from Mordred.

“Bet that was an awkward question,” Arthur said, grinning and leaning back against the headboard.

“Not really. I’m not _that_ embarrassed by sex,” Merlin said, finally opening his eyes again and throwing the goods onto the bed before crawling over Arthur on his hands and knees.

“I’m going to ask you now, just once, are you sure about this?” Arthur asked, staring into Merlin’s eyes looking for any trace of doubt.

“Yes Arthur I want to,” Merlin promised.

“And your head is alright?” Arthur checked.

“Do you want me to put my helmet on?” Merlin asked, grinning cheekily as he became more confident.

“Kinky, but no not this time,” Arthur said, reaching up and carding a hand through Merlin’s thick black hair. “You’re wearing too many clothes,” he said.

He reached down with his other hand to unbuckle Merlin’s belt, and undo his jeans. Merlin moved his hands to pull off his jeans but Arthur stopped him.

“Let me,” he insisted, “let me take care of you,” he whispered against Merlin’s bare shoulder.

With both hands he took hold of the waistband Merlin’s jeans and slid the trousers slowly down his legs, kissing the newly exposed flesh as he went. Merlin shuddered as Arthur’s lips touched him in places he’d probably never been touched; the inside of his thigh, the sensitive skin behind his knee, his soft skin between his toes.

Arthur didn’t hesitate, moving back up Merlin’s body to repeat the process with Merlin’s underwear, smiling at the groan which slipped past Merlin’s lips as his cock finally sprung free of the restrictive cotton.

Merlin wasn’t as skinny as he looked when he was dressed in all those baggy hoodies he liked to wear. He was not muscled he was lean, all lines and angles which suited him perfectly.

“God Merlin you’re… you’re something else,” Arthur murmured.

Merlin flung an arm across his eyes, his face flushing from Arthur’s measured gaze. Arthur grabbed his hand and entwined their fingers, uncovering Merlin’s face.

“Let me see you,” he whispered, peppering kisses down Merlin’s chest.

Merlin was trembling again from a combination of nerves and want, so Arthur climbed up and swung his leg over Merlin’s waist, pressing their aching cocks together. Arthur groaned now, the contact was almost too much. He just sat there astride Merlin for a moment, giving him just enough pressure to drive him crazy but not enough to take him to the edge, before leaning down and covering Merlin’s body with his own.

Merlin was bucking and thrashing underneath him, so Arthur stroked a thumb across his cheekbone and pressed a gentle kiss to his temple.

“Mm,” Merlin murmured, relaxing slightly and tilting his head up to capture Arthur’s lips.

Arthur kissed him back, pressing his tongue against Merlin’s fighting for control of the kiss. He won when he snaked his hand between them and took both their cocks in his hand and began to stroke them slowly. It was too much for Merlin, his jaw went slack and his head fell back against the pillow, forcing Arthur to chase his lips.

Merlin broke away and looked at Arthur his eyes wide with desperation.

“Arthur… fuck!” he gasped.

He stiffened and Arthur felt him spill between them.

“Shit Arthur, I’m sorry,” Merlin mumbled, his face flaming red.

Arthur released his hold on their cocks and chuckled. “What did you expect? You’re wound tight as a spring, you’ve needed this for a long while I reckon.”

“Still sorry,” Merlin said sheepishly, gesturing to where Arthur was still pressed hard against his navel.

“Oh no, I hope you don’t think we’re done, Merlin we’ve barely started,” Arthur said, smiling down at Merlin until he stopped shaking and relaxed again.

“Yeah,” Merlin breathed, sounding wrecked, “No. I want more, need more,”

“What do you want Merlin? Tell me what you want?” Arthur murmured, shifting his hips up to get more friction from Merlin’s skin.

“I want… oh,” he groaned, as Arthur sucked a nipple into his mouth, “I want you to fuck me,” he said with a gasp.

“I’m sure you could have worded that better,” Arthur mumbled, biting him gently, just a press of teeth against the sensitive skin.

“No couldn’t, I can’t _think_ Arthur,” Merlin begged, he was already sounding desperate again and Arthur could feel him hardening against him.

He was right, he looked absolutely gone, eyes dark and cheeks flushed.

“Is your back-”

“It’s fine,” Merlin muttered.

“I’ll turn you over later but first…”

He licked over Merlin’s other nipple gently, before trailing his tongue down his torso. Merlin was squirming beneath him again, so Arthur moved down lower to give him what he wanted. He nosed at Merlin’s inner thigh, holding him down at the hips, before taking Merlin into his mouth.

“Oh god,” Merlin groaned, as Arthur suckled at the head of his cock.

He tried to thrust his hips, but Arthur held him firmly in place, taking him deeper until his nose pressed into the thick dark curls at Merlin’s crotch. He began to bob his head, sucking at his cock, tasting him. He pulled off when Merlin started to struggle more desperately and place his fingers tight around the base of his own cock.

“Not yet, Merlin, not yet,” Arthur soothed.

“Arthur,” Merlin murmured sitting up and reaching for him.

“Go on,” Arthur whispered encouraging him.

Merlin licked his hand, coating it in spit before reaching forward and taking hold of Arthur’s cock. Arthur groaned and let his head fall back as Merlin stroked his length tentatively at first. His confidence grew, likely due to the sounds that were escaping Arthur’s lips, spurring him on.

“Oh fuck!” Arthur gasped as Merlin gave his cock an experimental lick.

He gripped the bed sheets and tried not to thrust into the wet heat of Merlin’s mouth as he sucked and mouthed at him.

“God stop, stop Merlin I won’t last,” Arthur said, gasping for air.

Merlin pulled off with an obscene pop, looking up at Arthur through his lashes.

Arthur closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Alright?”

“Yeah,” Merlin whispered.

“Lay down on your front now I don’t want to hurt your back. It’ll make it easier too,” Arthur said softly.

Merlin obliged, laying down and pillowing his head in the crook of his arm.

“Are you nervous?”

“Yeah,” Merlin admitted.

“I’ll go slow,” Arthur promised.

Merlin nodded almost imperceptibly and let his eyes flutter shut. Arthur stroked at Merlin’s back gently to reassure him before moving lower.

“Relax Merlin,” Arthur murmured as he stroked his finger between Merlin’s cheeks, brushing over his hole.

Merlin shivered. Arthur smiled and reached for the lube which lay abandoned at the foot of the bed. He uncapped it carefully trying and failing not to spill any. He poured it over his fingers and reached forward before pushing in slowly with one finger.

“Oh,” Merlin whispered, lifting his head and looking back at Arthur, with half lidded eyes.

“Ok?”

Merlin nodded and closed his eyes.

Arthur moved his finger in and out of Merlin a few times slowly, before adding a second finger and stilling them inside, allowing Merlin time to adjust to the intrusion. When Merlin started moving against him, thrusting back and moaning, Arthur began to scissor his fingers carefully until he thought Merlin could take it, then he added a third. Merlin froze and Arthur held very still.

“Hurts,” Merlin grunted.

“Too much?”

“Don’t stop,” he said.

“Won’t,” Arthur muttered, gripping the base of his cock tightly again before Merlin undid him, thrusting up and pushing himself onto Arthur’s fingers. Arthur crooked a finger and Merlin arched off the bed.

“That’s it,” Arthur murmured, “You’re ready now.”

He pulled his fingers out and fumbled with condom wrapper, before sheathing himself and adding a generous coating of lube.

He lifted Merlin up from the hips and onto his knees, pressing kisses to his back.

“Ready?” he murmured pressing his cock against Merlin’s hole but not pushing forward without confirmation.

“Yeah Arthur please,” Merlin begged.

“Don’t forget to breathe,” Arthur whispered as he entered Merlin slowly.

He had to close his eyes and bite his bottom lip, Merlin was so tight and hot, he wanted nothing more than to pound him roughly into the bed. He’d never had sex like this, never taken his time with the other person and he was struggling, but he held himself in check and pushed forward in small increments until he was fully seated.

“Breathe Merlin,” Arthur reminded him, as he took in Merlin’s expression.

His eyes were closed tight and his hands were fisting the sheets.

“Breathe, that’s it love,” Arthur murmured as he reached down to take hold of Merlin’s cock, which was only half hard now, “I’m going to make you feel good,” he promised, stroking Merlin with a firm hand.

“Ah,” Merlin moaned, as he began to relax while Arthur jerked him slowly. “Move Arthur,” he murmured.

Arthur obliged and pulled back slowly, drawing a gasp from Merlin. He pushed back in and started short shallow thrusts, trying to match his rhythm with his strokes to Merlin’s cock.

“Arthur,” Merlin groaned, “Harder please. Harder.”

“Yeah,” Arthur mumbled against Merlin’s shoulder, and letting go of all restraint, and fucking into Merlin desperately.

He managed a few hard thrusts before his rhythm began to stutter, he thrust forward once more and stiffened, coming hard inside Merlin. He fell forward, laying across Merlin’s back. He kept pumping Merlin’s cock until he came for the second time, spilling over the bed sheets, falling forward as his knees gave way, pulling Arthur down with him.

Arthur lay on top of Merlin’s back too blissed out to move, until Merlin shoved him off and turned over to face him.

“So that was sex?” Merlin asked, a relaxed smile on his face.

“Yeah, worth the wait?”

“Definitely.”

Arthur just stared at Merlin, he looked different somehow, more relaxed than Arthur had ever seen him. Even in sleep there was always an undercurrent of tension running through Merlin, but right now he looked completely at ease. He looked like he was finally comfortable in his own skin.

Arthur sat up and climbed off the bed.

“Where are you going?” Merlin asked in a small voice.

“Bathroom, someone’s got to clean us up, seeing as you’re too lazy,” Arthur said, pulling the sheets from under Merlin and wrapping them around his waist.

Merlin barely twitched, just lay there watching him with a sleepy expression on his face. Arthur sighed and crept out into the hallway, sneaking down to the bathroom. He washed his chest in the sink and then found a flannel, and ran it under the warm water.

When he stepped back into the hallway, Hunith was climbing the stairs.

“Evening Arthur,” she said, raising an eyebrow

Arthur flushed and tightened his hold on the sheet at his waist.

“Go to bed mum!” Merlin yelled from his room.

Hunith chuckled. “Good night Arthur,” she said, her eyes twinkling with amusement.

“Well that was embarrassing,” Arthur said, stepping into the room.

“Welcome to my life,” Merlin said, not bothering to open his eyes.

“I’m not going to go,” Arthur whispered as he settled back on the bed.

“Where?” Merlin asked opening his eyes and frowning sleepily.

“Back to New York, I’m not going to go back. I’m going to transfer to the London office,” Arthur said, wrapping an arm around Merlin.

“Why?”

“I need to stay here, you need me.”

“Arthur,” Merlin warned.

“And even if you won’t admit it, I need you,” Arthur insisted.

“But the depression, you’ll need space to sort out your head,” Merlin said.

“I will get it, my father has a flat in London. I’ll stay there for a bit to sort out my head, like a month or something, but I don’t want to go back there Merlin,” Arthur said, pressing a kiss to Merlin’s forehead.

“Alright, but talk to your dad,” Merlin said, sighing and settling into Arthur’s’ arms.

“He’ll be pleased.”

“Yeah,” Merlin agreed, closing his eyes.

“Come to dinner tomorrow, I want you to meet him,” Arthur suggested.

“Um I’ve met him before he’s friends with Gaius,” Merlin said, laughing quietly.

“Come anyway, he likes you,” Arthur said, kissing the tip of Merlin’s nose to stop him laughing.

“Really?”

“Seems that way. He warned me away from you, he thought I’d break your heart because I’m damaged, so did Morgana,” Arthur admitted, reaching over to turn off the lamp.

“I’m glad you ignored them,” Merlin said.

He curled up around Arthur, and drifted off to sleep. Arthur lay awake for a while, listening to him breathe in the darkness while he thought over his decision to stay. After some deliberation he decide it was the right choice, that this was where he needed to be.

 

 

 


	8. Sometimes what you want isn't what you need

That night it was Arthur who woke up shaking and sweating from nightmares, while Merlin slept on unaware of his terror. He had dreamt of Merlin in all kinds of dangerous situations, falling, having a fit, being chased and attacked, all without Arthur there to protect him. When he woke up again in the morning Arthur was glad to find Merlin safe in his arms, gazing up at him.

"Morning," Merlin said.

Arthur looked over Merlin’s head at the clock on his bedside table. It read nine thirty am. "Aren't you going to work?" He asked, stretching slowly.

"I can't, my muscles hurt from yesterday," Merlin replied.

"Ah I'm that good am I?" Arthur asked, waggling his eyebrows.

"Hardly," Merlin replied, rolling his eyes.

He stretched and then rubbed at his arm muscles as if they were sore.

"From the fit?” Arthur asked, realising that Merlin would still be in pain after yesterday.

"Yeah, seizing up and flailing about takes it out of you, my muscles go really tense when I have a fit, but it’s when I’m relaxed that it hurts.”

"Are you going to stay in bed all day?”

"Yeah, care to join me?” Merlin said, lying back on his pillow, hooking his ankle around Arthur’s leg to keep him there.

"I would love to, but I need to go speak to Gaius again. Then I've got dinner to cook, for you,” Arthur reminded him.

"Can you cook? I would have thought you had a live in chef,” Merlin teased.

"I can cook,” Arthur said, folding his arms across his chest and glaring down at Merlin without any real heat.

"So Morgana will be cooking?” Merlin guessed.

"Shut up Merlin. I will be deciding the meal, Morgana may assist me with some of the preparation.” Arthur argued.

"Shouldn't I get to decide?” Merlin asked, propping himself up on his elbows, wincing slightly as his muscles protested.

"No it'll be a surprise for you,” Arthur replied.

He was a little worried, he wanted to impress Merlin with a fancy meal but he didn’t know how to make it more interesting to cater to Merlin’s eccentricities. Merlin lay there watching him think with an amused expression on his face.

“I’ll eat anything Arthur, don’t you worry. Strange sandwiches aside I eat like a regular person.”

“Alright fine, I’ll see what I can think of,” Arthur said. "Can I take a shower?"

"Yeah, you really should you stink,” Merlin said, shaking his head in amusement.

"I stink of you,” Arthur said, nudging Merlin with his foot. “Would you like to join me?”

"Yeah ok,” Merlin said, blushing a little.

"Don't force yourself,” Arthur joked, getting out of the bed and tying a sheet round his waist again.

He went to the door and grabbed Merlin’s dressing gown off the hook, he tossed it at Merlin and watched him as he slowly got out of bed, wrapping the dressing gown around his shoulders. Ever the gentleman, Arthur held out his arm for Merlin who took it and allowed himself to be led into the bathroom.

When they were both in the bath Arthur realised that it was probably a stupid idea, Merlin had already slipped and almost broken his neck twice and Arthur had banged his head against the corner shelf. He grunted and rubbed his hand over the injury. Then Merlin using his height to his advantage crowded Arthur against the wall, he stood on his tiptoes to lean over and kiss the bump on Arthur’s head. This time when he slipped for the third time, Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin’s waist, steadying him. He pulled Merlin closer, then guided them under the spray of the shower.

Things became less awkward after that, there was still not much room but they didn’t really need it pressed together as they were. After a few minutes of holding Merlin under the water and ravaging his neck Arthur turned him around and took him in hand. Merlin groaned and let his head fall against the tiled wall. He braced one hand against the wall before reaching back to return the favour for Arthur. Arthur turned Merlin around so they were facing each other, then resumed the firm strokes to Merlin’s cock as Merlin brought him closer to the edge. It was wet and clumsy and messy but to Arthur it was perfect. When Arthur came just a moment after Merlin, he slid down the wall, pulling Merlin with him until they were sat at the end of the bath, panting for breath.

“I could get used to this,” Merlin said, tracing a finger down Arthur’s chest.

“This is amazing, I’ve never felt like this. I feel so alive,” Arthur said, leaning forward to lick a stray drop of water from Merlin’s cheek.

They sat there until the hot water ran out and the shower began to spray them with cold. It was only after he got out of the shower that Arthur realised he had forgotten to wash. He grinned to himself and handed Merlin the other towel. He turned back and opened the door and jumped back in surprise when he found Mordred standing on the other side, hand raised as if he was about to bang on the door.

"Finally what on earth were you..." Mordred trailed off when he noticed Merlin standing behind him, "ugh I hope you’ve cleaned up," he muttered, rolling his eyes and standing aside to let them past.

"We're squeaky clean now Mordy," Merlin said.

Mordred didn’t look very impressed by Merlin’s joke. “Yes well I need a piss so if you would be so kind as to get out, I don’t need an audience.”

“Really? Because that’s not I heard from Gwaine, apparently-”

“Lies, those are lies. Arthur, I am not into watersports and nor is Gwaine. I mean he might be, but I am not.” Mordred said, glaring at Merlin. “Telling lies again, it could only last so long I guess.”

“Are you sure they’re lies Mordred? Because you sound like you’re protesting a little too much,” Arthur said.

“Well if Gwaine is into watersports, it’s with your sister so I’m surprised you find it so funny,” Mordred replied, pushing past them and shutting the door.

Merlin burst out laughing and led Arthur away from bathroom before he could come up with a response.

“So Gwaine and Mordred aren’t into watersports?” Arthur asked when they got back to the bedroom.

“No I mean they could be, but not together that was a lie. Mordy and Gwaine are just good friends for some reason, I think Mordred’s just jealous of Gwaine’s casual attitude to life. But Mordy has a girlfriend back at Uni… Kara, she’s very nice, a bit moody but pleasant enough.” Merlin said, pulling on a t-shirt and clean boxers.

“And Gwaine?” Arthur asked as he dressed in yesterday’s clothes.

“Gwaine fancies himself in love with your sister,” Merlin said, laying down on the bed.

“Urgh,” Arthur replied, “That will never happen you do realise that?”

“Oh I know,” Merlin replied, winking at him.

“What do you know?”

“Who Morgana likes.”

“How?” Arthur asked, sitting on the desk to pull on his shoes.

“Observation,” Merlin said, eyes twinkling with obvious amusement.

“Are you going to tell me?” Arthur said, standing up and walking over to the bed, leaning over Merlin.

“No, you’d use it against her,” Merlin said.

“But it’s not Gwaine,” Arthur said.

“Nope,” Merlin said, grinning.

“Worse than Gwaine?”

“Depends on how you look at it,” Merlin said, his smile widening as Arthur continued to guess.

“Are they in our group?” Arthur asked, leaning further over Merlin and trying to look intimidating.

“Yep.” Merlin said, unfazed.

“Well then I definitely don’t approve, unless it’s Ellie, then that’s fine,” Arthur said.

“Why is that fine?” Merlin demanded.

“Because Percy, Leon and Elyan are not good enough for my sister. She’s a London socialite, they’ll drag her back down. They’ve all lived in this town forever and will probably never leave.”

“So has Ellie, you’re just being sexist to be honest,” Merlin said, shaking his head.

“But she’s so sweet and nice… It’s Leon isn’t it?”

Merlin didn’t reply.

“When you say she fancies him you mean they’ve-”

“Been dating secretly for years? Yeah,” Merlin said, watching Arthur carefully.

“And no one knows?”

“Nope.”

“Except you?”

“Except me,” Merlin confirmed.

“Because you observed?

“Because I walked in on them having sex on one of the rare occasions I went to Leon’s party. She doesn’t think Leon is good enough for her, she’s a bit embarrassed by him,” Merlin said.

“She should be,” Arthur agreed.

“He’s your friend Arthur,” Merlin said, frowning at him. “Plus I think he really cares about her, all that nonsense about working in London, that’s for her benefit.”

“I still don’t approve,” Arthur said.

“Well I don’t think Morgana will ever come to you for approval so that doesn’t really matter does it?” Merlin asked, prodding his chest with his finger.

“I guess not,”

“It’s better than Gwaine,” Merlin suggested, he was laying back against the pillow, and looking at Arthur with a sleepy expression on his face.

“Very true. Well I guess I had better go and see Gaius,” Arthur said, pressing a kiss to Merlin’s forehead. “Rest well and I’ll see you tonight ok?”

"See you later Arthur," Merlin said, yawning. “Don’t tease Morgana too much, because she’ll probably take it out on me.”

"I won’t I promise. I'll pick you up later tonight,” Arthur said, stroking Merlin face before he left.

Arthur left Merlin’s house and was about to get in his car, when he saw Gaius in the garden of a house down the road. Arthur approached him carefully, he stopped at the gate and cleared his throat so that he didn’t startle him.

Gaius looked up at him and smiled. “Arthur, how are you? And how is Merlin?” he asked.

“Fine, we’re both fine,” Arthur told him, “I didn’t realise you lived so close to Merlin.”

“Oh yes, that’s why they chose their house,” he said, pointing back down the street, “so that I was nearby, when they moved here Merlin was still learning to deal with his epilepsy.” Gaius explained.

“That makes sense,” Arthur agreed.

“So I heard back from Nimueh, my friend in New York,” Gaius said, leaning against the fence. “She said she’s sent you an email, she wants to meet you next Tuesday.”

“Ah Gaius I need to talk to you about that actually,” Arthur said, stepping into the garden.

“I see,” Gaius said, frowning slightly, “you’d better come inside then Arthur,” he said, sounding displeased.

“Gaius-”

“Come inside Arthur,” Gaius insisted, holding open the front door.

Arthur sighed, but relented and followed him inside the house. Gaius led him into what must have been his living room.

“Wait here a moment, I’ll go get you some tea. Milk or sugar?” Gaius asked, gesturing for Arthur to sit down.

Arthur was about to protest, but one look from Gaius had him dropping to the sofa obediently.

“Milk no sugar please,” Arthur said, fidgeting in discomfort.

Gaius bustled off toward what Arthur assumed to be the kitchen. Arthur looked around the room, it was small and cluttered but just like Merlin’s house it had a cosy and homey feel to it. The shelves were filled with books that looked well read, and on a lot of the surfaces there were photographs, some of Gaius and someone Arthur presumed to be his wife, in various locations around the world.

Then there were pictures of Merlin as a little kid with his mum, and pictures of a teenaged Merlin with an arm around a younger looking Mordred. There was another picture of Merlin in a cowboy outfit, he looked about eight or nine, there was a boy dressed as batman and a girl dressed as a princess on either side of him. Arthur didn’t recognise them. Arthur got up from the couch and picked up the photo, he was too busy smiling at the picture to hear Gaius approaching him.

“Ah that one is from Merlin’s ninth birthday party,” Gaius said, making Arthur jump.

“He’s adorable, who are the other kids?” Arthur asked.

“That’s Will and Freya, Merlin’s friends from Ealdor,” Gaius said, taking the photo from Arthur’s hands and placing it back on the mantelpiece. “You wanted to talk to me?” he said leading him back to the couch where there were now two cups of tea on the coffee table.

"I'm not going to go to New York,” Arthur told him, picking up the cup that Gaius pushed toward him.

"Why?” Gaius asked calmly.

"Because Merlin needs me here,” Arthur reasoned.

"I see,” Gaius said, clearly expecting more of a response.

"I'm going to stay and take care of him,” Arthur told him.

"You can't-”

"Why not?” Arthur demanded, interrupting him.

"Because you’re not strong enough Arthur, have you already forgotten the other day? There's a lot more of that to come Arthur, it's only been a few days since you stopped taking the anti-depressants,” Gaius said, sipping at his tea.

"Merlin needs me,” Arthur insisted.

"Yes I imagine he does, and when you're better I think you will be absolutely wonderful for him,” Gaius said gently.

"I don't want to leave him,” Arthur said, running a hand through his hair in distress. But he knew that Gaius was right, staying here would not help either of them with Arthur’s mind in its current state.

"I understand that Arthur, really I do, and I wish I could say that love is enough to overcome this but it's not. You need therapy, you need to deal with this, and I really don't think you can do that here. Merlin is strong enough to wait for you, he’ll be here when you come back Arthur,” Gaius promised.

"But...”

"Talk to Merlin, properly. He will wait for you Arthur,” Gaius insisted.

"Ok fine,” Arthur relented, sitting back against the couch and sipping his tea.

“So you’ll go back to New York?”

“Yes I will, I’ll go. I’ll sort my head out, I’ll get better and then I’ll come back and start my life properly,” Arthur said.

“That sounds like a very reasonable plan Arthur, and you’re still young you-”

“Gaius are you in here?” A woman called out, “I’ve only been gone for fifteen minutes, have you even started the gardening? Because it doesn’t look like you have,” the woman said, walking into the living room with bags of shopping. “Oh hello dear, I didn’t realise we had a visitor,” she said to Arthur.

Arthur jumped up from the sofa. “Let me help you with those,” he offered taking the bags from the woman.

“Thank you dearie,” she said.

“Alice you remember Arthur, Uther’s son. Arthur this is my wife Alice,” Gaius explained, ushering Arthur into the kitchen with the bags.

“Arthur Pendragon, you are far handsomer than your pictures. I remember when you were a baby, I told Gaius you’d be a looker, didn’t I tell you that Gaius?” she said, as she began to unpack the bags.

“Yes dear, Arthur is seeing our Merlin Alice,” Gaius told her.

“No!” Alice exclaimed, “are you really? Oh that is wonderful, how long?”

“Er just a few days but… he’s pretty special,” Arthur said.

“Oh I know. That’s wonderful, I’m so pleased. How are you doing, with what happened to your mother?”

“I’m alright, I’m going back to New York to sort my head out-”

“I’ve set him up with Nimueh,” Gaius informed her,

“Ah she’s very good is Nimueh,” Alice agreed, “would you like something to eat Arthur?”

“Oh no thank you Alice, I have to be getting home, my father will be wondering where I got to,” Arthur said.

“Oh alright then,” she said, sounding a little disappointed. “Will we be seeing you again?”

“Probably not until I get back from New York, but I’ll be sure to visit when I do,” Arthur said.

“Yes and then there’ll be wedding bells I imagine,” Alice said, chuckling to herself.

“Don’t tease the boy Alice,” Gaius warned lightly, taking in Arthur’s heated face.

“Thank you for all your help Gaius, I hope to see you again very soon,” Arthur said, as Gaius led him to the door.

“Best of luck, with everything Arthur,” Gaius replied shaking his hand.

Arthur nodded and left the house. He walked back down the street toward his car slowly, still parked in Merlin’s driveway. He was tempted to go back in and say hello, but he thought better of it, deciding that Merlin needed his rest. Instead he got into the car and drove home.

When he got back to the house he went up to his room and changed his clothes. When he felt fresher he went downstairs to grab something to eat from the kitchen. He found Morgana and his father whispering to each other. They stopped as soon as he entered the room, and kept giving each other glances as they watched him walk over to the fridge and take out a carton of juice.

“What? I brought the car back in one piece,” Arthur demanded, leaning against the counter and glaring at Morgana.

“Did you really? Thank you Arthur,” Uther said pleasantly, glancing at Morgana again, clearly thinking he was being subtle.

“Just spit it out,” Arthur said, sighing.

“You said you would be home yesterday afternoon,” Morgana said, smirking at him.

“Yes, but guess what Morgana? I’m twenty seven years old. I don’t have a curfew. I can stay out all night if I wish.”

“Oh I know you can Arthur,” she replied smoothly, “Dad and I were just wondering what you were up to last night.”

Arthur glowered, but it didn’t seem to faze them. “Merlin had a fit in the library, I stayed over to take care of him.” He explained.

“Oh,” Morgana said, sounding sorry and disappointed that there was no scandal. “Is he alright?”

“He’s fine, a bit achy but ok. I went to see Gaius again,” Arthur informed them.

“How’s your head?” Uther asked.

“Fine but er… he’s set me up with a psychiatrist he knows in New York,” Arthur said, waiting for their reaction.

“You’re going back to New York?” Morgana demanded, nearly dropping the apple she’d been holding.

“Yes for a while,” Arthur admitted.

“Arthur you can't, we need you here,” Morgana said, visibly upset now.

She jumped down from her stool and marched across the room toward him.

“Morgana,” Uther warned.

“Please don’t go. Dad needs you. _I_ need you. You’ve only just come home, please don’t leave.”

Arthur wrapped his arms around Morgana as she started to cry. “I’m going to come back,” he promised.

Morgana struggled free and pushed him away. "Fine I'll just hold everything together shall I?" She said hitting him weakly, before stalking out of the room.

"Heaven forbid she could just say she was going to miss me?" Arthur said, shaking his head.

"I think that's the problem with this family, we just can’t talk about our feelings,” Uther said softly, “Morgana come back here!” he demanded.

They waited for a moment, then she walked back into the kitchen, she scowled at Arthur and then thumped him on the shoulder. “Well, don’t expect me to cry at the airport,” she joked, wiping the tears from her eyes.

Arthur let her go and approach his father at the island. “I’ll come back this time father, I’m planning to wrap things up in the New York office, find a replacement. I want to come back and work in London with you,” he explained.

“You’ll be very welcome Arthur, I’ve been offering you a transfer for years,” Uther replied. “But I don’t think that’s really why you’re coming back is it?” he asked knowingly.

"I think I love him father,” Arthur confessed, even though Morgana was there. “It's only been five days and already I want to spend every minute of the day with him,” he said.

"You've just come off a serious drug regime, it could just be caused by the chemical imbalance,” Uther warned.

"That's why I need to leave, get clean and stable,” Arthur agreed.

"Then come back and fall in love properly,” Morgana said sagely.

"Exactly.”

"Does Merlin know any of this?” Morgana asked.

"Last night, I promised him I would stay,” Arthur said, rubbing his neck.

Uther shook his head.

"I need to look after him, he needs that I think. He’s been strong and a bit lonely for a long time, he needs me. But I need to be better to do that,” Arthur told them.

"Yes you do,” Uther agreed.

"I have two days left with him,” Arthur said.

"Then make the most of it,” Morgana said, from her expression it was clear what she was thinking.

“Who is this psychiatrist?” Uther asked, before Morgana could say anything inappropriate.

“A Nimueh Blake, Gaius knows her,” Arthur said.

Uther frowned. “Yes I’ve heard of her, she’s a bit of a radical thinker I hear. Are you sure that’s wise?”

“Gaius thinks she’ll help me,” Arthur said.

Uther continued to frown but didn’t comment.

“I invited Merlin round for dinner,” Arthur informed them, changing the subject again.

“Brilliant,” Morgana said, pushing herself off the counter.

“I’m going to cook for him,” Arthur continued.

“Excellent” she said, smirking at him.

“Would you like to join us?” Arthur asked them.

"You only have two days left with the boy and you want me to come to dinner with you?” Uther asked.

"Yes father I do,” Arthur said.

"Thank you Arthur, I would be delighted.” Uther said, smiling.

"Er... Merlin’s not posh like us,” Arthur said, ignoring Morgana’s snort.

"I am well aware of that thank you Arthur, I am not out of touch as you might think," Uther said, actually rolling his eyes.

“I’m picking Merlin up at about seven-”

“I’ll pick him up Arthur,” Morgana said sweetly, “so that you can cook.”

Arthur looked to his father desperately.

“Let her, she’s harmless really,” he said standing up, “right I’m off to the study, I need to make a few calls to the office, I’m going back on Monday,” he told them.

“Alright, I’ll see you later father,” Arthur said, he grabbed Morgana’s wrist before she could swan off. “Not so fast you, I need to speak with you.”

“Me?” she said in her sugariest voice, “I hope you aren’t going to ask me to cook your meal for Merlin, because that’s not very romantic is it?” she teased.

“No that’s not it,” Arthur said calmly, “you can pick Merlin up at seven, do you know where he lives?”

“Oh excellent, yes I know, being the kind person that I am I’ve dropped Mordred off there on occasion.”

“Ah so you pretend to be above all that, but when I’m away, I assume you go to Leon’s parties all the time,” he teased.

“I live in London Arthur,” she said, frowning in confusion, and trying to pull free.

“Yes well you’ve been here all week, and I know you come back at least once a month,” Arthur said, not letting her go.

“To visit father,” she argued.

“Leon,” Arthur coughed, letting go of her wrist.

“You…” she said, smack her open palm against his chest, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she snapped.

“Well I’ll drop it then, but if I hear Merlin’s journey had been anything less than pleasant I will have no qualms about making you squirm over this new information,” Arthur said, grinning at her.

“Fine,” she said, through gritted teeth.

“Fine,” he agreed, “now if you don’t mind I have a meal to prepare,” he said, turning around and looking at the kitchen. He didn’t really know where to start.

“It’s only noon, this isn’t _Come Dine with Me._ It’s a little early, are you planning a three course meal?”

“No but I was going to make dessert by hand,” Arthur snapped.

“Come on then let’s go decide what to make and we can go to Sainsbury’s,” she said excitedly.

“Fine,” Arthur agreed, allowing her to lead him to the living room, where she pulled out her laptop and started looking up recipes.

 

 


	9. Goodbye for now

Arthur let Morgana decide the meal, she had more experience with entertaining guests. They decided to keep it simple as Arthur couldn’t _really_ cook, and Merlin was unlikely to want anything too fancy. They ended up at Sainsbury’s to buy ingredients for risotto.

 Morgana did help him make a double chocolate fudge cake from scratch though, before she abandoned him to get everything ready, while she went to get Merlin.

Arthur texted Merlin to warn him that Morgana would be coming for him, as she left. Merlin replied that that was fine, he was ready to dodge any questions she had with some well-prepared fibs.

Arthur met Merlin by the door and pulled him away from Morgana before either of them could say anything. He took Merlin aside, leading him into the drawing room.

"What did she say?" Arthur demanded.

"Nothing actually, she was really nice and only talked about my books and her job in London. It was a bit suspicious really," Merlin informed him.

"I threatened to talk to her about Leon," Arthur explained.

"Ah you cruel brother you," Merlin said smiling, "so dinner?"

"Yeah are you nervous?"

"No dads love me," Merlin said, placing his hands on his hips.

"That's a lie, you're lying Merlin," Arthur said, shaking his head fondly.

"Well your dad is Uther Pendragon," Merlin said.

"A formidable man I know," Arthur agreed.

"Actually that's not why I'm nervous," Merlin said, winking.

"No?"

"No I have a huge crush on him, he's a bit of a silver fox don't you think?" Merlin said, trying to contain his laughter.

"Oh my god," Arthur said, shoving Merlin playfully.

Uther cleared his throat behind them. Merlin jumped and had the grace to blush.

"You are something else Merlin," Morgana said, rushing past her father and taking his hand, dragging him away.

Uther smiled and put his arm around Arthur’s shoulder. "He’s a funny one that boy," he said as they walked to the dining room.

"Yeah he’s special," Arthur agreed.

Dinner went quite smoothly, everyone seemed to enjoy Arthur’s risotto, even his father who tended to only enjoy traditional British food. Uther also managed to steer the conversation away from anything embarrassing, which caused Morgana to scowl a lot every time she was headed off.

"So Merlin, are you still writing?" Uther asked.

"Yeah, I’m always writing, even when I’m at the library," Merlin said.

"Do I have to report you to the council?" Uther joked.

"Nah, it’s hardly a big metropolitan place is it? I have plenty of time to keep it tidy and write," Merlin argued.

"Well Gaius tells me you have written several books but you’ve never got anything published," Uther continued.

"They asked him to change important details father," Arthur said before Merlin could respond.

"Yes the higher ups tend to do that," Uther agreed.

"Well you would know, being one of them," Morgana put in.

Merlin snorted.

"So you write because it’s your passion?" Uther asked, ignoring Morgana.

"Merlin gets his books printed by Elyan and gives them to schools for free," Arthur informed his father.

"Ah fighting the war on child illiteracy," Uther said, "a very noble cause."

Merlin beamed at him.

After dinner Arthur took Merlin into the sitting room, Morgana hovered for a moment but seemed to understand that she wasn’t wanted so she ruffled Merlin’s hair and said goodnight.

"Something wrong Arthur?" Merlin asked calmly.

"I know I promised I’d stay but-"

"You’re going back to New York," Merlin said, leaning back on the sofa.

"Not forever, just for a few months. I need to get better Merlin." Arthur said, looking down at his hands.

"I understand," Merlin said, taking Arthur’s hands in his own.

"You’re taking it very well," Arthur said quietly. "I’m leaving on Sunday," he said.

"I’m being supportive Arthur, I’m sad that you’re leaving, but I’ll be here when you get back," Merlin replied. "I’m really upset but I’ll hold it off until you leave," he confessed, "let’s make the most of things, we’ve only got tonight and tomorrow."

"Wanna snuggle up on the sofa and watch a movie?"

"I’d love to," Merlin said smiling.

Arthur got up from the couch and went over to the shelf of DVDs by the television. "What do you fancy?" he asked running a thumb over the cases.

"Don’t really care, something we can make-out to," Merlin replied, making himself comfortable on the sofa.

"‘Make-out’, what are you an American girl?" Arthur asked, grabbing a case at random, and putting the disk in the tray.

"No, but I was raised on High School teen drama," Merlin said, sitting up to make room for Arthur then leaning against him.

Arthur leaned back and pulled a blanket from the back of the couch, and draping it over them. He turned up the volume as the movie began to play.

"Clueless?" Merlin asked "Really?"

"It’s Morgana’s-"

"Yeah right," Merlin muttered.

"I’ve never seen it," Arthur protested, until Merlin pushed him down onto the couch and draped himself over him.

He pulled the blanket snugly around them and leant down to brush his lips against Arthur’s. Arthur wrapped his arms around him and held him close, wanting to have him this close forever. Merlin traced his fingers over Arthur’s face as if trying to commit his features to memory. He kissed Arthur again and again, each time more desperately, as if it were their last. Arthur just clung to him, too scared of breaking down to do more than let Merlin kiss him as if he contained all the air in the world.

Eventually Merlin pulled back and slid down Arthur slightly, to place his head on Arthur’s chest. "I didn’t have any nightmares last night," he whispered, "you keep me safe even in my sleep," he said closing his eyes.

Arthur just stared down at him, wishing again that he didn’t have to leave. After the film finished Arthur switched of the television and settled back down. He could safely say that he still hadn’t seen Clueless.

When Arthur blinked awake he was stiff and uncomfortable and was being watched by Morgana, who was holding a camera.

"Morning," she said sweetly.

"Go away," he grumbled.

Merlin’s head was on his chest, his legs dangling over the edge of the sofa, he looked even more uncomfortable than Arthur felt. He burrowed into Arthur’s chest and batted at him when he spoke, clearly wanting to stay asleep.

"Aren’t you two adorable?" Morgana said, practically cooing.

"Go away," Arthur repeated.

"I shan’t. I live here too," she said smugly.

"Be quiet," Merlin mumbled.

"Yes be quiet, you’ll wake Merlin," Arthur hissed.

"I’m awake now," Merlin said, disentangling himself from Arthur and sitting up.

He stared around the room drowsily.

"Good morning Merlin, would you like to join me for breakfast?" she asked.

"What time is it?" he replied, shaking his head tiredly.

Arthur watched Morgana suspiciously.

"About eleven dear, so what do you say, hungry?"

"Yes ok," Merlin said warily, standing up from the couch.

He held a hand out to Arthur, but Morgana took it before Arthur had a chance.

"Don’t be silly darling Arthur doesn’t eat breakfast," she said, pulling him away from the couch.

"Morgana," Arthur warned, standing up.

"I just want a little chat Arthur," she replied.

"What about?" Merlin asked, frowning.

"Oh this and that," she replied, then she leaned forward and whispered something in his ear.

"Ok fine," Merlin relented, he waved to Arthur as Morgana dragged him out of the room.

Arthur shook his head and went upstairs to shower. When he was clean and dressed he found himself wandering the house aimlessly. Merlin and Morgana weren’t in the kitchen, he didn’t know where they had gone. Arthur ended up in his mother’s part of the house, he hadn’t been there in years, since before her accident.

He walked through into her bedroom and stared, the old hospital bed was still there, unmade, clearly nobody had been through to tidy up. Arthur wondered if his father wanted to preserve it, to keep it exactly how it was on the day she died.

Arthur went into the adjoining bathroom, just like Morgana had said it had been redone, all new fittings and fixtures. He hardly remembered the old bathroom, but he knew this was different. Against one wall was a new luxury tub, with several taps. Big enough to drown in, Arthur thought.

He got into the bath and laid down against the dry enamelled surface, imagining what it would be like to be under the water. He stared up at the ceiling, seeing it through a veil of water just like his mother would have seen. He zoned out for a while until Merlin’s face swam before him. He was leaning over the tub nervously, peering down at him.

"Arthur?" he whispered, "if you’re trying to drown yourself you’ll need water," he joked. "Arthur?" he whispered again.

"I’m here," Arthur replied, allowing his eyes to focus again.

He sat up slowly and made room for Merlin to climb into the tub beside him, which he did, sitting down opposite him.

"What are you doing in here Arthur?" he asked.

"This is where my mother died," Arthur said quietly.

"I know that Arthur," Merlin replied.

"I haven’t cried," Arthur told him.

"Do you want to?" Merlin asked.

"I don’t know," Arthur whispered.

Merlin didn’t say anything, just sat there watching him patiently. Arthur closed his eyes as memories of his mother flashed before his eyes.

"She wasn’t that bad," he whispered, "when I was tiny and I cried she would hug me. I mean most of the time she wasn’t really there, she was too in her head, too depressed. But when I was small my crying would still get through to her, and she would pick me up and just cradle me and sing to me until I stopped. I can remember her face you know, when I stopped crying she would look at me like she wasn’t quite sure where I came from but she’d still hold me close.

"She loved me Merlin, it wasn’t her fault that she was like that," Arthur whispered, and just like that it was as if a dam had broken.

The flood gates were open and Arthur pitched forward into Merlin’s arms and wept. He cried for his mother because he missed her, because he wished she’d been better, because he wished he’d been more patient and because he wished he’d said goodbye. Merlin just held him, until the tears ran out, stroking his hair, whispering promises.

"I miss her," Arthur cried.

"I know, I know," Merlin murmured.

Arthur laid against him for a while longer until he felt his back start to seize up from the awkward angle. He pulled back and looked at Merlin who was staring at him with shining eyes.

"You’re going to be ok Arthur," he said softly.

Arthur nodded and rubbed his face on a towel. "What did Morgana want?"

Merlin smiled at his subject change but answered anyway. "Apparently she believes it was me who told you about her and Leon," he said.

"I didn’t tell her you told me," Arthur said.

"She’s a smart woman Arthur, she figured it out," Merlin replied, he wasn’t cross.

"Was she mad?"

"She pretended to be all disappointed that I betrayed her, but she wasn’t really. She was a bit scary at first, then she felt sorry for me so she let it go," Merlin explained.

"You were gone a long time though."

"Yeah we talked about you as well, apparently your plane is first thing tomorrow morning," Merlin said sadly.

"Seven am sharp," Arthur confirmed.

"Morgana’s driving you, she said I can tag along," Merlin said.

"I’d like that, I’ve never had a proper airport goodbye before," Arthur said.

"Then I’ll give you the best airport goodbye you could dream of, you’ll be desperate to come back," Merlin said, biting his lip.

"I’ll be desperate to come back anyway," Arthur said softly, cupping Merlin’s face in his hands.

Merlin smiled weakly, but his eyes were sad, Arthur stroked a thumb over Merlin’s cheek.

"I will come back," he promised.

"I know," Merlin agreed, allowing Arthur to pull him into his lap.

He relaxed against Arthur, as Arthur ran his hands under his shirt and stroked his warm skin. Merlin’s skin was always hot under Arthur’s touch, even though it was so pale. Arthur let his head fall back against the tub as Merlin began to explore his body. Arthur fisted his hands in Merlin’s shirt as Merlin ground his hips against Arthur’s.

"We’re going to have to cool down Merlin, because we can’t have sex in my mother’s bathroom, it’s just wrong," he whispered breathlessly against Merlin skin.

Merlin sat up in his lap, shifting his hips again and causing a groan to escape both their lips. He looked at Arthur, eyes twinkling mischievously. His hand reached up above Arthur’s head, who watched it lazily, his mind still to hazy to figure out what he was doing. Then suddenly he was being drenched by the icy spray of the shower and somehow Merlin had gotten out of the bath and was standing by the sink, doubled over with laughter.

The haze had gone now and Arthur was fully alert so instead of turning the shower off he unhooked it from the cradle and pointed it at Merlin who screamed and tried to shield himself from the freezing water, to no avail. Arthur chuckled and turned the shower off before getting out of the bath and walking towards Merlin who was backing away from him, scowling.

"All cooled down now," Arthur said softly, eyes challenging.

He backed Merlin up against the wall, placing a hand either side of his head, not touching just watching the water running down his chest. It pleased Arthur that he was allowed to get this close, that he was allowed to stand in such an intimidating pose and have Merlin completely relaxed under him. He bent down to touch his lips to Merlin’s, but was stopped by Merlin placing his index finger against Arthur’s lips.

"Still in your mum’s bathroom," he said looping his fingers round Arthur’s wrist and leading him out of the room.

"Where are we going? The library? The garage? Want to do it on my father’s cars?" he suggested, as they made their way down the corridor.

"Arthur," Merlin murmured pushing him against the wall, "fuck," he muttered, as Arthur spun them so that he had the upper hand.

He lifted Merlin up and groaned as he wrapped his legs around his waist.

"Arthur," Merlin whispered, looking around wildly.

They were in the corridor, still far from Arthur’s room, but he didn’t want to stop. He pressed into him and kissed him until he was trembling beneath him, then he let him slide down the wall and pushed him toward the staircase.

Merlin stumbled twice as he tried to run up the stairs but thankfully Arthur was behind him to stop him falling. When they reached his bedroom Arthur shut the door and slid the lock into place before pushing Merlin back toward the bed, and stripping out of his wet clothes.

"Clothes off Merlin," he ordered, walking toward the bed like a predator.

Merlin swallowed visibly but obliged, all traces of shyness vanishing when Arthur stared at him appraisingly, licking his lips. Merlin reached out for him, and Arthur went, climbing onto the bed and lying down beside Merlin. He allowed Merlin to push him onto his back and climb on top of him, straddling him.

When Merlin took them both in hand, Arthur closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the pillows, allowing Merlin to take control. Merlin seemed far more confident, which was probably due to last night, but Arthur hoped it was also because he trusted him.

Merlin placed his free hand on the bed beside Arthur’s head to brace himself as he leant down to kiss him, thrusting his tongue into Arthur’s mouth as he stroked their cocks hard and fast. Arthur groaned around Merlin’s tongue as he got closer and closer to the edge.

"Merlin!" he gasped, when Merlin pulled off and sucked a bruise onto his neck, "Merlin I’m close," Arthur said desperately.

"Come Arthur, let me see," Merlin whispered, keeping up his pace.

Arthur was too far gone to wonder how Merlin was keeping his control. Then Merlin twisted his hand just right and he was coming hard. Merlin groaned and sped up his strokes, his hips stuttering as he followed Arthur over the edge.

Arthur took a steadying breath and opened his eyes to look at Merlin. He was watching him through wild eyes, panting and flushed, clearly not as controlled as Arthur had thought he was.

"I want you to fuck me Arthur," he whispered.

Arthur’s eyes fluttered closed, as Merlin’s low voice made his cock twitch with interest again. He took another deep breath then flipped them so that Merlin was on his back, legs wrapped tightly around his waist. Without breaking eye contact Arthur reached into the drawer of the bedside table and pulled out the necessary goods.

Merlin’s eyes fell shut as Arthur traced a finger over his hole.

"Eyes open Merlin, let me see you," Arthur warned as he applied a generous coating of lube to his fingers.

Merlin opened his eyes and stared back unblinking, as Arthur pushed in one then two fingers. When Merlin began to meet his thrusts with his hips Arthur added a third and sped up his movements. He crooked his fingers and Merlin arched wildly off the bed, gasping and crying out.

"More Arthur, please!" he begged.

Arthur bent down to lick at the precome that was dripping down Merlin’s cock. Merlin bucked again weakly and dug his heels into Arthur’s back. Arthur finally removed his fingers and tore open the foil packet of the condom, sheathing himself before entering Merlin in one long slow thrust. They both groaned in relief as Arthur seated himself fully.

"God Arthur," Merlin moaned, grasping at his back, digging his nails in deep enough to leave marks, "please," he whispered.

Arthur gripped Merlin’s legs tight and set up a punishing rhythm, they were both too desperate to go slowly. Arthur fucked into Merlin as roughly as he dared, Merlin spurring him on with his groans of encouragement. When Arthur lifted Merlin’s hips to adjust the angle, he hit the spot that made Merlin writhe underneath him, gasping expletives and coming all over his chest. Arthur lasted three more thrusts before he was spilling inside Merlin, whispering his name like a prayer. He fell forward crushing Merlin into the bed but this time Merlin didn’t push him off, instead holding on to him desperately.

They dozed for a few hours, before Arthur went to find them some food.  Then they spent the whole evening wrapped in each other’s arms, clinging desperately to each other, talking about the future at length making promises to make it seem more real. They kissed, cried, fucked and slept, until the morning came and their time was up.

 

When they got into the car the next day, Arthur sat in the back with Merlin, Morgana didn’t even roll her eyes, she understood how desperately he didn’t want to go. He’d said goodbye to his father before they left, promising to come back for what felt like the hundredth time. His father just agreed and then threatened to retire if he didn’t return in good time.

Merlin dozed beside him in the car, they’d slept sporadically during the night but they both still felt tired, weighed down by the sadness. They were curled together and Arthur was aware of Morgana watching him in the rear view mirror. He knew she would eventually hold this newfound sappiness against him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He winked at her and then buried his face in Merlin’s dark nest of hair, breathing in his scent, committing it to memory.

His heart hurt, and Arthur knew then that was nothing to do with the drugs. That he was not replacing them with the feelings Merlin gave him, this was as real as anything, and leaving Merlin behind was going to be one of the most painful things he had ever had to do. But it had to be done, he needed to get better first, he needed to be better for Merlin and for himself. He fell asleep promising himself that he was going to be alright and only woke up again when Morgana shook him gently, informing him that they had arrived.

Morgana and Merlin came with him as far as they were allowed, then Morgana kissed his cheek and said goodbye, backing off to wait for Merlin, giving them as much privacy as could be afforded at a busy airport terminal. Merlin shuffled nervously, sticking close to Arthur as the crowds bustled around them.

"Are you alright?" Arthur asked concerned, as Merlin stared around the building, twitching.

"Fine it’s just busy," Merlin said through gritted teeth, "I want to be here though," he insisted.

"I’m going to miss you Merlin," Arthur said.

Merlin sniffed as the tears began to flow freely. "Don’t go," he begged.

"I have to, you know why. You saw what I was like the other day, that’s going to happen a lot now, but it will pass. I’m finally going to deal with this properly and then I’m yours," Arthur said, wiping the tears from Merlin’s face with his thumb.

"I’ll miss you too," Merlin whispered, stepping into his arms.

"I’ll call you every day," Arthur promised.

"Every day? That’s a bit clingy isn’t it?" Merlin said, trying to lighten the mood.

"Fine every few days… Merlin I don’t want to force you to wait for me," Arthur began.

"I want to-"

"But I love you ok, I love you and when I come back we’ll do this properly. It won’t be just a few crazy days, it will be our future," he promised.

"I’ll wait for you Arthur, get better please," Merlin begged, he was crying again, not even trying to hold back the tears.

His hands clung to Arthur’s jacket uselessly. Arthur closed his eyes, he didn’t want to leave Merlin like this, he felt awful. Then he was crying too, big fat tears rolling down his face, sobs escaping his lips. He barely knew how to handle it, he’d spent so long being emotionless and now they were all coming back in full force. He took a steadying breath and wiped his eyes before touching his hand to Merlin’s chin and pulling him closer for a kiss.

They kissed desperately, limbs entangled and clinging to each other until the final boarding call for Arthur’s flight was announced and he reluctantly let Merlin go and took a step back.

He looked to Morgana who smiled sadly. "I’ll look after him," she mouthed.

Arthur nodded and looked back to Merlin. "Goodbye Merlin, I’ll see you in a while," he said quietly then turned around and went through the gates before he could change his mind.

 

 


	10. Reasons to get better

The flight and subsequent taxi ride back to his flat went by in a blur. Arthur barely even remembered collecting his luggage from the carousel, and his memories of the terminal were fuzzy at best. The whole journey he ran on autopilot. When he into his flat he dropped his bag by the door and wandered into the bedroom, a feeling of exhaustion washing over him as the door clicked shut behind him. He didn’t even make it to the bed before collapsing against the door. Arthur let his head fall back against the door and the darkness overwhelm him. Everything was blank for a while, until a distant voice calling his name brought him back to reality.

“Arthur?” The voice said, “Arthur are you in here?”

Arthur opened his eyes just in time for the door he was now sitting across from to swing open. He stared up at Mithian, she stood over him, her mouth pursed with worry. She knelt down and reached out for him, hesitant as if she thought he would flee from her touch. Arthur let her help him up and lead him to the bed. She was silent until they sat down, checking him over with concerned eyes.

“Oh Arthur, you’re safe,” she said, relief evident on her face. “Everyone’s been so scared, they couldn’t get hold of you. I believe you were supposed to make some calls as soon as you landed, you have a lot of people worried about you,” she informed him.

“I only got back yesterday,” Arthur muttered, avoiding her eyes, not wanting to see the pity on her face.

“Arthur it’s Thursday, you got back three days ago. What happened? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming back? Everybody’s been trying to get hold of you, and I think if you don’t contact your father soon he’ll be on the next flight over here. Don’t even get me started on Morgana, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s already on her way. Your doorman didn’t see you come in, he thought your apartment was still empty, I checked in with him every morning. I was about to file a missing persons report.” She said, she was speaking very quickly, and struggling to keep the fear out of her voice.

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said, he kept his head in his hands, pressing them against his face.

“What happened Arthur?” Mithian asked again.

“The darkness, it wouldn’t let me move, it wouldn’t let me wake up. I don’t remember anything,” Arthur said, looking up at her finally.

For the first time since he’d known her, Mithian looked afraid, but not of him, for him. She knew about his condition, that he was overmedicated and that he avoided shrinks like the plague no matter how often she suggested he get help. She took his hand cautiously and gave it a squeeze.

“Ok,” she said, taking a deep breath, bracing herself for action. “Do you think you can manage to get cleaned up while I make you some breakfast and coffee?” she asked.

Arthur nodded and dragged himself into the bathroom. He splashed his face with cold water and changed his shirt, too tired to do more, he didn’t see the point anyway.  He walked out into the living room and found Mithian waiting for him with fresh toast and coffee.

“Where’s my mobile?” Arthur asked, sitting down beside her.

“It’s charging, the battery had run down completely. I’ve already contacted your father and sister, they’re really worried about you. I’ve convinced your father not to fly over here just yet but I think he’ll be coming soon. There’s-”

“I need to call Merlin,” Arthur interrupted.

“Ah Merlin, I spoke to him this morning. He made me come here and check to see if you were here. Did you know a lot of PAs actually have keys to their boss’s apartments? I know you like your privacy, but I would like you to give me your spare key. If I’d had it before, a lot of this worry would have been avoided.” She said, arms folded across her chest. “Merlin gave me his number and insisted I contact him once I’d found you, which I’ve done. I told him you’d get back to him once you’d eaten something,” she said, looking at the toast pointedly.

Arthur picked up a slice and nibbled at the corner.

“There’s a Nimueh Blake coming here to see you, in about an hour,” Mithian said.

“Ok,” Arthur replied, still chewing on the toast.

“You’re not to come into work until she says so, alright?”

“Alright,” Arthur agreed.

“I’m going to wait here until she gets here.”

“I’m moving back to England,” Arthur told her, taking a sip of his coffee.

“So I heard. Abandoning me are you?” she asked, pushing the plate of toast toward him.

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said sincerely.

“It’s fine really,” she insisted, with a smile.

“Mithian you’re the only friend I have in New York,” Arthur admitted.

“Then maybe it’s best you go back to all the friends you have in England. No offence Arthur, but I’m your assistant. I do consider you a friend, but it’s not a healthy lifestyle you live when you’re here. Plus there’s this Merlin guy, who Morgana tells me you’re absolutely head over heels for,” she said, winking.

“I am,” Arthur agreed, taking the phone she held out to him.

She was right, the only reason they were friends was because they worked together, because it was her job to care for him. He’d never gotten close to any of his co-workers, never tried to make friends. It was something he’d always struggled with, letting people get close to him. With his friends back home he didn’t need to worry, they already knew him, even after all this time and Arthur knew he was lucky that they were so understanding.

“He’s expecting the call, once you’re done you need to take a shower and get dressed properly,” Mithian said, getting up from the couch.

Arthur frowned, but decided not to argue with her, Mithian could be very pushy when she wanted to be. Instead he selected Merlin’s number from her list of recently dialled contacts and got up from the couch, heading into his room for privacy. He left Mithian rooting around in the kitchen and collapsed onto the bed, while he rang Merlin’s number. Merlin answered after only two rings.

“Mithian is he alright-”

“Merlin it’s me. I’m so sorry,” Arthur said, running his free hand over his face.

Even the sound of Merlin’s voice wasn’t enough to make him smile.

“Arthur, thank god you’re ok. I was so worried. Arthur where were you?” Merlin said, his voice sounded strained, like he was struggling to stay calm.

“I think maybe I blacked out,” Arthur said. He didn’t want to scare Merlin but he didn’t want to lie either, “I got home and passed out in my room. I don’t remember anything from the past few days, but I doubt I left my bedroom. Mithian found me there.”

“Oh Arthur,” Merlin whispered.

Arthur could tell that he was scared for him.

“I’m ok Merlin,” Arthur said, even though they both knew it wasn’t true.

“No you’re not, you’re worse than I realised. You just seemed like you were doing so well.” Merlin said.

“My new psychiatrist is coming round this afternoon to sort me out, I’m going to be ok.” Arthur insisted.

“It’s going to take a lot of work Arthur, you have so much to deal with,” Merlin said, sounding unsure.

“I know.”

Merlin was quiet for a moment. “I was so scared, I thought something had happened to you,” he admitted.

“I’m so sorry,” Arthur said.

“I’ve driven mum and Mordred mad, thinking up all kinds of awful scenarios.” Merlin said.

“You have an overactive imagination,” Arthur said, trying to lighten the conversation.

“Yeah,” Merlin agreed.

It seemed awkward compared to the usual ease of their banter, but Arthur hoped it was just an after effect of his episode. He made a mental note to keep the topic light next time he rang Merlin.

“I have to get ready for Nimueh, but I’ll call you again when I get back.” He said, “if it’s not too late,” he added.

“Ok Arthur,” Merlin said, sounding disappointed, “I’ll talk to you later then.”

“Bye Merlin,” Arthur said quietly, before hanging up the phone.

He lay on the bed for ten minutes, watching the clock, until Mithian banged on the door. Then he dragged himself into the bathroom, showered and dressed in clean clothes even though he couldn’t really see the point. He knew Mithian would be disappointed if he went back out there in his rumpled shirt and jeans.

It took Arthur another five minutes of standing at the door with his hand on the knob before he could twist it and walk back out to face her. He found her on the sofa working away on her netbook. She didn’t look up when he approached so he sat down beside her and handed her back her phone.

“Your phone switched itself back on, and by the sounds of it you have about fifty messages.” She informed him, not looking up from the computer.

Arthur looked at the screen, she was looking for advice on dealing with depression. Arthur sighed heavily, the websites wouldn’t be any use, just like his previous therapists and psychiatrists, they never understood how he was feeling. When a beep from his mobile distracted him from his thoughts he picked it up and began to deal with the fallout from his episode.

He spent the next ten minutes going through messages from his father, Morgana and Merlin, there were even a few from Gwaine. There was also one from Mordred demanding he sort himself out and call Merlin back before he caused any damage.

He sent Morgana and his father texts apologising to them for causing any worry and promised to call them when he’d finished his therapy session. He texted Merlin to reassure him that he was alright and that he would pull himself together. He was just thinking of what to say to Mordred and Gwaine when he heard a knock at the door.

“That will be Nimueh,” Mithian said, closing her laptop and rising from the sofa.

She walked to the door and opened it allowing his new psychiatrist into his flat.

“Hello Dr Blake, I’m Mithian, Arthur’s personal assistant. I’ll just gather my things and I’ll be off.” Mithian said, shaking her hand.

“Thank you, before you go would it be possible for you to collect this prescription for Arthur please,” Nimueh said, handing over the piece of paper.

“Yes of course,” Mithian agreed, taking it. She went back to the sofa and gathered her things. “I’ll be back with these later tonight,” she said to Arthur.

“Hello Arthur,” Nimueh said finally, as Mithian let herself out of the flat without another word.

“More drugs?” Arthur asked, sneering at her.

He felt disappointed because he thought she was supposed to be different from the others, but here she was medicating him without even speaking to him.

“There is no shame in taking antidepressants Arthur, it’s not a weakness. It’s also necessary you cannot simply stop taking them,” she said, joining him on the sofa, ignoring his obvious anger. “However, I don’t like the fact that you were on a cocktail of drugs. I’ve read your medical files, and I believe just one drug will be sufficient for you. We’ll start with Apropax, one a day. And of course we shall have our therapy sessions to see if you require anything else.”

Arthur shook his head but refrained from rolling his eyes. “Fine,” he said, putting his feet up on the coffee table.

“Actually Arthur if you don’t mind I think we should go for a walk,” Nimueh said, before he could get comfortable.

“What? No, I think I’d rather stay here,” Arthur argued.

“I wasn’t really suggesting it Arthur,” she replied standing up, “you’ve been cooped up in here since you got back.”

“I’m not ready I’ll-”

“I’ll be there with you. You’ll be perfectly fine, now go get yourself a jacket,” she said, tapping her foot on the floor.

Arthur didn’t know how she managed to get the upper hand, she was _his_ doctor they were in _his_ apartment, but he found his feet carrying him to the bedroom anyway. He selected a warm jacket from his wardrobe and went back out to meet Nimueh who was waiting for him by the door.

“Excellent,” she said, opening it. “Let’s go shall we?” she said, stepping back to allow him to leave first.

She waited for him to lock up the flat then steered him toward the elevator with a steady hand on his elbow. She didn’t speak a word during the elevator ride and when they got outside she waited silently for Arthur to take the lead. Arthur wondered if she was one of those silent psychiatrists expecting him to spill all his problems then take his cheque.

“There isn’t really anywhere to go,” Arthur replied, looking around.

“How about that park over there?” she said, pointing down the road.

Arthur nodded and began to walk in the direction she’d pointed, she followed him with ease.

“I didn’t realise there was a park around here,” he said, as they walked.

“I see. Do you not come out much in your neighbourhood?” she asked.

“No not really,” Arthur admitted.

“Are you glad to be back in Manhattan?” Nimueh asked him.

“Not even a little bit,” Arthur told her. “I thought I’d be able to get better quicker if I came here but I just want to go home,” he told her.

“I see,” she said again, nodding.

They walked in silence toward a small park, only two streets from his flat. Arthur let her lead him toward a bench and sat down beside her.

“You’re from England,” he said, “how come you live here?” he asked, trying to avoid the inevitable questions.

“I just fancied a change of scenery really. I’d lived in London for a while, and I’m a city girl at heart. I just wanted to try something new,” she told him.

“Ok then.”

“Are you going to talk Arthur?” she pushed.

“Do I have to?”

“No,” she replied, looking away from him and out across at the various people walking through the park.

“That’s new,” Arthur said.

He didn’t fail to notice the small smile on her lips.

“So I hear you’ve had dealings with a certain Dr Muirden?” she said conversationally.

“Yeah until I was sixteen,” Arthur agreed, “I hated him. He would get me to talk for hours about my feelings, but he wasn’t even listening.” He said, slapping his hand against his leg in frustration at the thought of his childhood therapy sessions.

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Nimueh said, she looked like she understood where he was coming from.

“Do you know him?”

“I’ve met him on occasion,” she told him, not elaborating any further.

“Since coming to New York, none of my other psychiatrists have done the whole talking thing,” Arthur said.

“No but they did refer you to therapy, which you didn’t attend. I’ve seen your records remember. However, I am fully trained in psychotherapy and while my main job is supposed to be dispensing medication to combat mental disorders, I feel that also being my patient’s therapist helps.

“I find that people in your situation don’t like talking about their problems, but they have to talk to me about it to get the drugs. I might as well be the one to advise them and help them through it. I find psychiatry and counselling are becoming further and further apart these days, but I like to be able to do both. Especially for someone like you, who refuses to see a therapist. You don’t have to be out here talking to me, you already have the prescriptions, yet here you are,” she said, smiling at him.

“I don’t want the drugs,” Arthur said, even though he knew it was no use, she was going to make him take them.

“That’s a good thing,” she said, “but you still need them.”

“I know,” Arthur said.

He sighed and looked down at his hands for a while. “I don’t want to talk about me today,” he said finally.

“Alright,” she said, sounding unsurprised by his response.

“Why did you become a psychiatrist?” Arthur asked.

“Ah so we’re talking about me instead?” She said, but she was smiling.

“I don’t really know how to talk to people. In fact I don’t really talk to people, except small talk at work. But then, when I went home I met this guy Merlin, and we talked about anything and everything. I miss that already, I opened up to his brother and my best friend from school too. I told them everything that happened to me,” Arthur told her, “and then Merlin told me about himself, I want to have real conversations not small talk, that’s not enough for me anymore.”

“You say you told them everything that happened to you?” Nimueh pressed.

“Yeah, I told them about my mother, did Gaius tell you what happened to her?”

“That she died recently?”

“No what happened to her when I was a kid,” Arthur said, still refusing to look at her.

Instead he watched the various passers-by making their way through the park.

“I know that she was in a wheelchair,” Nimueh said, bringing Arthur back to the conversation.

“It was my fault. I pushed her. I know I was a kid and I was acting out and that it was an accident. I mean if the dishwasher hadn’t been open the she wouldn’t have fallen so badly. But it was still my fault.” Arthur said.

He clenched his fists, this wasn’t helping it was making him more stressed.

“Did your mother blame you?”

Arthur stood up ready to walk away, but when Nimueh didn’t even flinch at his sudden movement, he took a deep breath and sat back down.

“I don’t know,” Arthur admitted. “I think she killed herself,” he whispered.

“Why do you think that?”

“She drowned in the bath, but she redid the bathroom first. See she hated our house, never showed any interesting in it. I think she was just tired of it all,” he said.

“Are you angry at her for dying?” Nimueh asked.

“No, actually I think I understand why she did it. I mean if she was depressed, like I am I can see why she would do it. It’s exhausting the feeling, either the numbness from the meds, or the darkness when my head is clear. It’s absolutely fucking knackering and I can’t imagine living with for as long as she did,” Arthur said, he felt tired just thinking about it.

“Are you suicidal Arthur?” Nimueh asked, this time she failed to hide the concern in her voice.

“No not really,” Arthur told her, it was the truth too. “I’ve never really been suicidal you know. I always thought that this was my punishment, for being the cause of my mother’s depression, for pushing her and breaking her neck, for not loving her enough despite her problems, for abandoning her and my father. So I never considered suicide, because I deserve this feeling,” Arthur said, noting how her face remained passive and controlled throughout his little speech.

“So you’ve never considered just ending it all?” She asked.

“I’ve never had the chance though have I?” Arthur replied.

Nimueh frowned in confusion. “What do you mean?” She asked.

“Well the drugs, they stop all thoughts like that, nothing drastic ever crossed my mind. I’ve only been off them for a week and a half, I’ve had two dark episodes so far and one of them was more of a blackout. So no I’ve never really contemplated suicide,” Arthur said, “we’re talking about me,” he added with a scowl.

“Do you want to stop?”

“I don’t know, part of me thinks I should continue in case it gets harder later. The other part wants to get up and run back to my apartment,” he said.

“What would you say, if you stayed?”

“I’d say… that you’re very good,” Arthur said.

She smiled at him. “Oh I know,” she agreed.

“The government could probably use you to trick information out of terrorists,” Arthur told her.

“Is that how it’s feels to you? That I’m tricking you,” she asked.

“Not tricking exactly…”

“I’m steering the conversation to get you to open up,” she said.

“Yeah, but at least you’re admitting to it,” Arthur said.

“I think you do want to talk to me Arthur, you just need a push. You seem happy enough to answer my questions, you just don’t volunteer the information.”

“I guess so,” Arthur said, thinking that ‘happy’ was a gross exaggeration.

“So I’m going to ask you a few questions today, and then I’ll let you go back to your flat. I’m sure there are a lot of phone calls that you need to make,” she said, ignoring his grumpy expression.

“A couple yeah,” he agreed.

“Just a couple?”

Arthur mentally counted the number of messages he needed to get back to.

“Maybe five,” he admitted.

“And who are they?”

“Er… my father, my sister Morgana, Merlin, Mordred and Gwaine. Oh and I told Lance I’d ring him when I got back so I should probably let him know I’m fine, he’s probably not too worried,” he said.

“But it would be nice to check in?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me about these friends then Arthur,” Nimueh said.

“You don’t want to talk about my mother?” Arthur asked, surprised.

“Not today.”

Arthur smiled in relief, he wasn’t ready for that conversation yet, they’d already tried it and he couldn’t do it.

“Well, when I went to school, Lance and Gwaine were my best friends. Lance is the sensible one, Gwaine is not so sensible but he’s really great. Me and Lance have kind of drifted apart, because I was away for so long, but Gwaine he just resumed our friendship as if I’d never left. But at school we sort of hung out in a group,” he paused and she looked at him patiently, waiting for him to continue.

“Then there’s Leon, he’s the party animal, and apparently dating my sister. There’s Percy and Elyan, oh and Elyan’s sister Gwen who was a year younger than us but she was still our friend. Even before she started to date Lance. She’s a bit of a mother hen, but she’ll get mad if you say that.”

Nimueh smiled at him.

“They’re really good friends you know? I mean we were all kids and they must have known that a lot was going on at home, but when they asked I didn’t tell. So they dropped it, they just left it alone because I wasn’t ready to share. They still called me their friend even though sometimes I would go for weeks without speaking.

“They obviously care about you,” Nimueh said.

“Yeah they really do. There’s also Mordred, he’s Merlin’s brother, but I met him first at Gwaine’s pub. He’s protective of Merlin even though he’s younger than him, but he’s really nice. He helped me out when I had a panic attack, and he’s easy to talk to, like Merlin really.”

“Tell me about Merlin,” Nimueh said.

“I think I’m in love with him, “ Arthur said simply, “I know what you’re going to say, I met him a week ago, it’s impossible to fall in love with someone that quickly, I’m just being stupid-”

“That’s not what I was going to say at all Arthur, I was going to say I’m pleased for you,” she said.

“Really?”

“Yes really, I believe that you can love someone after a just few days. I think that it’s especially true for someone like you. You said your drugs made you feel numb and then you stop taking them and meet this Merlin character.” She said.

“So you’re saying I only love him because I stopped taking the drugs.” Arthur said, twisting his hands in frustration, he didn’t want to hear this.

“Yes and no, I think if you hadn’t stopped taking them then you wouldn’t feel this way about him now. That doesn’t mean that what you feel isn’t real, I think it might be intensified by the euphoria that you may have experienced due to the chemical imbalances in you system but I think that’s a god thing. It means that you can associate Merlin with the first time you felt happy in a long time.” She explained.

“Yeah that is how I feel, Merlin has issues too, bigger than mine. He was attacked, I’m just depressed, but he handles it much better than me.”

“Everyone’s issues are important Arthur, yours aren’t trivial just because you didn’t go through a traumatic experience,” Nimueh said. “Merlin is obviously a very strong person. I’m not saying that you’re not strong, but you’ve never had to be strong before.”

“Because I just ran away. Merlin had to deal with his bullies every single day, it made him tougher, it made him want to be stronger. He’ll show them one day,” Arthur said, feeling more relaxed again.

“How?”

“He’ll become a famous author, worldwide best seller.” Arthur said.

“And how will you show your demons?” Nimueh asked.

“I don’t know yet. I should have gone back, made peace with my mother maybe. Maybe I can still go back, get to know my family properly, I think they’ve wanted to for a long time but I’ve avoided it. One day I’d like to start my own family, have kids you know?  And I want to give them everything I can, lavish them with attention because I never got any when I was young. Father had to work, and now that I have the same job I understand why he did, but I don’t think he really knew how bad my mum was. If she’d been normal I think I wouldn’t have resented him as much.” Arthur said.

“I think that is a good plan and it’s good that you want to try,” Nimueh said.

“When do you think I can go home?” Arthur asked, he knew it wasn’t going to be soon.

“You can go home right now Arthur,” Nimueh said.

“When do you think I’ll be ready to go home? And I mean stable, ready to move on with my life,” Arthur said, frowning at her easy answers.

“That’s up to you,” she said.

“But not yet?”

“Not yet. I think maybe you should try having friends out here first. See how you cope with socialising, keeping a friend for more than a week. And of course see how long you can keep in contact with your friends and family in England before you start avoiding it.” Nimueh said.

“I don’t want to make new friends just to leave them behind.” Arthur argued.

“I know you’ve never really tried to make friends at work but there is one person who you’ve let get close.”

“Mithian? She’s my PA,” Arthur replied, shaking his head.

“She also cares a great deal about you. She’s a bit like you, doesn’t like to show it, but she was very worried when she was on the phone earlier.” Nimueh told him.

“Alright, I’ll try that.” Arthur agreed, he was reluctant to make new friends, but if Nimueh thought it would help, he was willing to try.

“I will meet you again next week Arthur and I want to know ten facts about Mithian. I also want to hear that you’ve called your friends from home at least twice. Not just Merlin and your family all of them, the ones you’ve mentioned. Reasonable call lengths, ten or fifteen minutes.” She insisted, standing up from the bench, and gesturing for him to follow her.

“But that will take ages,” Arthur argued, as they began to walk toward the gate.

“You’re not working,” she replied.

“My phone bill will be huge,” Arthur said.

“You have money, and the internet, I’m sure you’ll figure something out. Now come on I’ll walk you back to your flat,” she said, cutting off his chance to argue.

“Worried I’ll do a runner?”

“No I’m sure you’re perfectly capable of getting back by yourself. I’d also encourage you to go out as much as you can this week. Make sure you eat as well,” she said.

“Yes mother,” Arthur said, rolling his eyes.

“Is that a Freudian slip?” Nimueh asked, raising an eyebrow.

Arthur chuckled to himself.

“See I’m so good, you’re already laughing,” Nimueh joked.

Nimueh followed him all the way back to his apartment, where they found Mithian waiting for them. She checked the bag of drugs to see if they were correct and instructed Arthur to start taking them right away.

The two women then made a list of food for Arthur’s cupboards, Nimueh tried to get Arthur to add things to the list. He told her he didn’t care food was just food and he wouldn’t be cooking anyway he’d be ordering takeaway. He was getting stressed again now that he was back in the flat, it seemed smaller now, like a jail cell. He just wanted them to get out of his hair so that he could phone home and phone Merlin. At the thought of Merlin he had an idea.

“Can I have marmite?”

“Can you have what?” Mithian asked, frowning at Arthur in confusion.

“Marmite,” he repeated.

“You’ll have to go to a Whole Food store for that, regular stores tend not to stock it. It’s a British thing,” Nimueh explained to Mithian.

“Anything else?” Mithian asked, making a note.

“Yeah avocadoes and Nutella. Oh and honey and Philadelphia cheese. And some bananas please.” Arthur said, smiling again.

“Ok, because that’s not an odd list at all. If you’re going to cook with all that I maybe you should do the takeaways instead,” Mithian replied, jotting it all down. “Right Nimueh I’ll walk you out. Arthur I’ll be back in a couple of hours with your groceries,” she replied.

“I’ll see you next week Arthur,” Nimueh said warmly, allowing Mithian to lead her out of the flat.

Arthur felt exhausted, he hadn’t realised just talking for an hour could be so tiring. He flopped down on the sofa, it was one in the afternoon which meant it would be about seven in England. He pulled out his phone, there was a message from his father saying he was glad to hear that Arthur was ok. He had six messages from Morgana demanding he call her right away, that texts were not acceptable when one went missing for four days. Merlin had sent him a short text asking how his appointment went.

He dialled Morgana’s number first, deciding to get it out of the way, but it rang and rang before going to voicemail. Arthur laughed to himself, in her texts and voicemails she had made it sound like she was desperately waiting by the phone. He disconnected the call and dialled his father’s number instead, he answered after just three rings.

“Arthur hello,” he said.

“Hello father, very informal there,” Arthur replied.

Usually his father answered with his own name because apparently that was how one was supposed to.

“I’ve been worried about you Arthur,” Uther said, ignoring his remarks.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare anyone, I just… had an episode.”

“But you’re alright now?”

“I’m okay yes. I think I’ve got a long way to go yet. Nimueh has put me on Apropax, which is an antidepressant. It should just fight the darkness without removing all my emotions at the same time.” Arthur told him.

“That’s good. It’s good to hear from you son,” Uther said, he sounded relieved to hear Arthur was back on medication.

“Yeah, again I am sorry for worrying you. How’s work, did you go back?” Arthur asked.

“Yes and it’s good to be busy again. It was nice to have a rest, I don’t think I’ve taken a whole week off in years, but if I’d taken any longer I may have gone a bit mad.” He said.

“Has Morgana gone back to London yet?” Arthur asked.

“No she’s still here, she popped out an hour ago,” Uther told him. “Between you and me I think she’s gone to see your friend Leon,” he said.

“Do you really?”

“Oh yes, it’s been going on for years, she thinks I don’t notice. She’s embarrassed by him you see, because she’s a career woman and he’s a bit of a layabout.”

“He wants to change though,” Arthur said.

“So I hear, apparently he has some ideas about trying to get in with our company,” Uther said.

“I did say I’d put in a good word.” Arthur said.

“I’ll consider it, you’re a good judge of character Arthur. If you think he’s good enough I’ll give him a shot. Maybe I’ll invite him over for dinner.”

“Make him squirm, should be easy enough he’s scared of you,” Arthur said.

“He should be, he’s been sleeping with my daughter in secret for the past two years,” Uther said, but there was no real anger there.

Arthur laughed.

“And when will you be back? I’ve started making arrangements for your return,” Uther asked.

“Not yet,” Arthur admitted.

“Maybe I could come to visit you in New York? It’s been a while since I last visited.”

“I’d like that, but give it a couple of weeks yeah?”

“Alright Arthur, I presume from your tone, you want to hang up and ring Merlin. You really are quite smitten you know,” Uther said.

Arthur couldn’t quite believe his father was actually teasing him. He’d clearly been spending far too much time with Morgana. Gone was the clinical strict figure from Arthur’s childhood, replaced with someone softened by age.

“Yes, if you don’t mind. Tell Morgana I called would you?” Arthur asked, too tired by everything that had happened the past few days to endure his sister’s questions.

“Of course, and Arthur?”

“Yes father?”

“Ring me again tomorrow please?” Uther asked, sounding hesitant, as if he thought Arthur would refuse.

“Yes father I will,” Arthur promised. “Take care,” he said.

“You too Arthur, you too,” Uther said before hanging up.

Arthur put his phone down on the table and poured himself a glass of water. His throat hurt from talking so much after days of silence. He sipped at the water slowly, thinking of what he was going to do with himself here in Manhattan without work.

He knew he was being stupid, he was in a city, he had money and there was plenty for him to do. But while Arthur was used to being alone, after a week surrounded by people he suddenly missed the noise, the conversation, and the companionship. He sat back on the couch and picked up his phone again.

“Hi Arthur,” Merlin answered breathlessly.

“Hi Merlin were you busy?” Arthur asked, taking in Merlin’s tone.

“No but Mordred tried to get the phone off me and he-”

“Hello Arthur,” Mordred said suddenly, Arthur could hear Merlin struggling in the background.

“Er… hi Mordred, I was going to ring you back let you know I got your message.”

“Oh I don’t care about that, I just wanted to let you know, because Merlin will never-” There was a muffled thump and some yelling. “-admit, but he’s done nothing but mope around since you left, he’s pining for you badly. So I’ve lent him my webcam, now you two can skype,” Mordred said.

Arthur could hear the smirk in his voice. “Thanks Mordred,” he said surprised, he’d been expecting to be told off.

“Hello Arthur, it’s me again,” Merlin said.

Arthur heard him telling Mordred to piss off, and then what sounded like a door slamming.

“Hi-”

Merlin cut him off right away. “I haven’t been moping,” he clarified.

“I have,” Arthur admitted.

“Ok then I may have a little,” Merlin said.

“It’s alright, I won’t tell anyone you admitted it,” Arthur said.

Merlin laughed down the line and Arthur lay back on the couch, already feeling relaxed by Merlin’s voice.

“So how did it go?”

“Well I think. A bit different. Nimueh is very bossy, she made me go outside,” Arthur told him.

“Oh my god! The evil witch! Outside you say? Have you called Amnesty International, and reported the horrific violation of your human rights? Forced exposure to sunlight and fresh air,” Merlin said

“Shut up Merlin,” Arthur muttered fondly.

“It’s good she made you go outside though,” Merlin said, being serious now. “I never tried to hide in my room, I was always running away. I _needed_ to be outside, I needed to scream where no one was around to hear me and it helped me, it really did.”

“Maybe I should do that,” Arthur suggested.

“In New York? You’d probably be arrested, it was fine out here,” Merlin replied.

Arthur could imagine the eye roll. “I’d definitely be arrested,” he agreed.

“Did you talk about me?” Merlin asked.

“Yeah a little,” Arthur said.

“Do you miss me?”

Arthur didn’t hesitate. “Yes,” he said.

“I miss you,” Merlin replied, just as quickly.

There was some sort of commotion in the background, Arthur heard Merlin talking to his mother.

“Mum’s back from school,” he said. “Look I’d better go or she might pin me to the floor and take the phone from me,” he said.

“Ok, I’ll call you again in a couple of days,” Arthur said.

“You can call me tomorrow,” Merlin said quietly.

“Then I will,” Arthur promised.

He knew he’d probably end up calling Merlin as soon as he woke up. He dropped the phone onto the table and settled back on the couch. Staring up at the ceiling Arthur began to feel the loneliness set in, as the silence in the flat began to intensify. He let his mind zone out, hoping it would make the rest of the day go by quicker. He’d just began to drift when his phone beeped.

He picked it up, there was a new text message from Merlin.

_I know your feeling lonely right now, and you’re going through a lot. But you’re strong enough to do this, you’ll get better and I’ll be there for you every step of the way, even though I can’t be there physically I’m there with you in spirit._

Arthur smiled and closed his eyes. He was going to get better, he had Merlin. He had friends and family who loved him, he had reasons to get better.

 

 


	11. Letting go of the past...

Over the next week Arthur didn’t go crazy like he expected. Nimueh checked in with daily texts, giving him conversation pointers for his phone calls. Arthur thought she was probably being sarcastic, but it was hard to tell.

When Merlin had found out he was trying to recreate his mother’s sandwiches, he began to send him texts with the sandwich his mother made him that day so that Arthur could copy him. Merlin would then take his laptop to the library so they could eat lunch together via webcam. It meant that Arthur ended up eating lunch at eight am, but he didn’t mind because Merlin was practically fainting from hunger by two pm his time.

The drugs that Nimueh had prescribed were already starting to take effect. Arthur felt mellow again, which he didn’t like. At first he threatened to flush the pills, but Nimueh had asked him to trust her. She told him to give the drug six weeks before they tried something else. Being given the choice helped Arthur, so he relented and kept going with her plans.

Arthur ventured outside of his flat several times. Twice he went to have dinner at Mithian’s. He met her husband Jack, whom he’d had no idea even existed because he’d never tried to get to know her. Arthur counted it as having two friends instead of one.

“So my father’s coming to visit next week,” Arthur told Nimueh as they sat down for their session.

They were in the park again, the one by his apartment. He often went here by himself as well as for his therapy sessions. He found it relaxing to sit and watch people rushing by, everyone always seemed so busy moving about like zombies and Arthur often wondered if people were more like him than he realised. He supposed he must look like the odd one now, sitting and gazing at the masses but he didn’t care, he was content.

“What are you going to do?” Nimueh asked.

“I think he wants to do some father son bonding activities, but I don’t think either of us know what that involves.” Arthur said

“Well what do you enjoy doing Arthur?”

“I don’t know,” Arthur said, until he’d gone back to England he’d never been one for enjoying himself.

He’d spent most of his time at work, then at the gym. He’d occasionally gone out to bars in an attempt to feel normal, but it never worked. He always felt alone as the people crowded around him, enjoying their lives.

“Well there is plenty to do here,” Nimueh said, giving him a smile which said she knew what he’d been thinking.

“I think what I’d like most is to just talk to him you know. Not about anything in particular just chat, over dinner or coffee like normal families do. Ones without any issues or tragedies.”

“That sounds excellent Arthur, I’m sure your father would like that too,” she agreed. “But Arthur there is no such thing as a normal family. Everyone has problems, so don’t strive to be normal, strive to be happy.”

Uther came two weeks later, and stayed for the whole week. He visited the office in the mornings, so that he felt like he wasn’t on holiday, and spent his afternoons and evenings with Arthur. They did all the typical touristy things, they visited museums, attractions, went to see plays. It was all stuff Arthur had never bothered to do, having little interest in culture or entertainment back then. But now things were very different and Arthur actually found he was enjoying himself. Uther didn’t even try to hide how pleased he was at this new side of his son.

His father had been to visit him before, but he’d always stayed in hotels, Arthur had never invited him back to his flat. He had always felt that the flat was his personal space, he never let anyone in, not his father, not Morgana, not even a cleaner. But things had changed now, and Mithian came round every few days to check on him. Nimueh always came in before they did their session, so it wasn’t hard to offer his father the spare room. Arthur could tell that Uther was upset by how sparse and empty his flat was, no mementos or photographs, just blank walls and plain furniture, but he tried his best not to show it.

He also came along to one of Arthur’s sessions with Nimueh, at her suggestion. The previous week they’d been close to finally broaching the topic of his mother, but thankfully with his father there Nimueh kept the conversation light and easy, much to Arthur’s relief. Arthur was not surprised that his father took an instant dislike to her though. He was pleasant enough to her face, but Arthur could tell Nimueh’s attitude seemed to grate on him. He was sure Nimueh could tell this too but she didn’t comment on it.

“I don’t trust her Arthur,” Uther said as soon as they got back to his flat.

“Why am I not surprised?” Arthur replied, but he was more amused than angry.

“She just seems a bit too odd, she’s like one of those…”

Arthur waited, eyebrows raised as his father sat down in made himself comfortable in the armchair.

“Alternative therapists,” Uther decided snapping his fingers, “having you go outside to parks. Doesn’t she have an office? Have you seen her credentials? I’m sure she’s very good at her job, and she certainly seems to be helping but… just be careful,” he warned.

“Careful of what?” Arthur asked, sitting down opposite his father.

“She’ll have you naked and dancing in a field, chanting and singing before you know it,” Uther said. “I’ve read about these things, she could be hypnotising you.”

Arthur burst out laughing at the serious expression on his father’s face. “Well if it helps?”

“I’m glad you find this so amusing.” Uther said seriously.

“Nimueh is a professional. She’s an eccentric and lively person, which shows in her methods, but she still does her job well,” Arthur assured him. “I didn’t like her when she first dragged me out of the flat but she really is helping me.”

Uther was quiet for a while.

“It’s nice to hear you laughing Arthur,” Uther said quietly.

Arthur was sure he could see tears in his father’s eyes. “Dad?” he whispered.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you and for Morgana when you were kids. I’m sorry I didn’t try to help your mother sooner. I’m sorry I cared more about work and money than my family… I wanted to be able to give you everything you’d ever need, but because of me you all lost so much.” He said, staring at Arthur desperate for forgiveness.

Arthur stood up and walked over to his father’s chair, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Dad it’s alright, you were doing it for the right reasons,” he said.

“It’s no excuse, I blame myself for everything that happened,” Uther said.

“I blame myself for what happened to mum,” Arthur told him, kneeling down by the chair.

Uther looked horrified. “I don’t blame you,” he said.

Arthur already knew this but it helped to hear it from his father’s lips. “I know,” he said quietly.

“And neither did she,” his father added.

“She-”

“She didn’t blame you Arthur, she loved you. I know she didn’t show it, I know that I didn’t show it as often as I should’ve, but we both loved you. I’m here for you now Arthur, I’ll always be here for you.”

“Thank you,” Arthur whispered.

When Arthur met up with Nimueh a few days later, after his father had gone back home, she seemed pleased with the conversation he relayed to her. She told him he was making a lot of progress, Arthur wasn’t so sure, he didn’t feel like he was getting anywhere.

“I don’t understand, what’s the matter?” she asked, noticing his weary expression.

Arthur just shrugged, he was suddenly feeling apathetic.

“How are you feeling? How’s the medication? You haven’t had any episodes yet have you?” She asked, trying to encourage him to speak up.

“No the medication is fine, and the voices haven’t come back in a while,” he said.

That was mostly true, some mornings he would struggle to start the day, lying in bed till late afternoon but it wasn’t voice any more just a feeling of general lethargy. He felt sure once he was allowed to go back to work he would find things easier.

“I see,” Nimueh answered.

“What?” Arthur asked, she was frowning at him.

“You need to stop waiting for something to go wrong Arthur. You’re getting better,” she insisted.

“I don’t-”

“You are getting better,” she repeated. “This new medication is helping you. You don’t feel like you’re getting better because it’s happening so slowly, but that’s good. The best result is for you to wake up one day realising that you feel completely normal, without noticing the transition you’ve made.”

Arthur nodded slowly. “So can I go home?”

“I’m not forcing you to stay here,” she reminded him. “But the place you hated, is now your home, where you want to be. That’s a good thing.”

“It’s only home because…” Arthur trailed off to reconsider his words.

“Because what Arthur?” Nimueh asked, pushing him to continue.

“I was going to say that it’s only home because that’s where Merlin is, but that’s not quite true. It’s where my family is, father and Morgana. I was jealous when I first went to Merlin’s because it felt more like a home than anything I’d ever experienced. But I had it too, just differently. It’s where my friends are too, I mean Mithian and Jack are great, but I miss my other friends. I didn’t realise I did until just now, I really miss them Nimueh.” Arthur said, folding his arms across his chest, trying to hold in the wave of emotion he felt rising.

“Then call them when we’re done today,” Nimueh said, placing a reassuring hand on his knee. “From the sound of it they always seem happy to hear from you, I bet they can’t wait for you to get home.”

“Leon and Gwaine are probably planning a party,” Arthur agreed.

“Well it’s too soon for anything yet, but I think you can start back at work next Monday, you’ve probably got a lot to catch up on. I know that you actually enjoy your job so I’m allowing you to go straight back to full time. Mithian will be there in case it’s too much, she knows what to do if you get overwhelmed,” she assured him. “Now don’t be surprised if it feels strange. You may not enjoy it as much as you used to but you should get it back,” she insisted.

When Arthur was finally alone in the flat, after Nimueh had had a good nose around as she always did, he rang Merlin to tell him he was allowed to start work.

“That’s great,” Merlin said, when he told him the news, “have you told your dad?”

“Not yet I’ll ring him after you,” Arthur said, “so I’ll be going back to work, I’m looking forward to it actually.”

“What do you actually do anyway? Apart from prance around in a suit.” Merlin asked.

“Oh it’s far too complicated for you to comprehend.” Arthur retorted.

“You sit on your arse and shout at people huh?” Merlin guessed.

“No, I never shout actually. I might start when I get back to London. My stress levels will be higher. I do a lot of money managing, I’m sure you’d find it boring but I like it, it’s very methodical.” Arthur explained.

“Well as long as you do that’s ok, is that what you’ll do in London?”

“I suppose so, I’ve been slowly working my way up you know, I started as an intern just like everyone else.”

“And made your way up to the top floor in five years?” Merlin asked, sounding disbelieving.

“Six years, and it was likely because I worked every day, even weekends sometimes. I had nothing else to do,” Arthur argued.

“I was only joking,” Merlin said, he sounded worried that he’d offended him.

“I know,” Arthur assured him. “I can’t believe Nimueh kept me off for two weeks.”

“It was probably for the best, you might have gone crazy with a stapler, and been escorted off the premises by security. Maybe made one of your poor assistants cry.” Merlin said.

“I have one assistant, and you know that you’ve spoken to Mithian,” Arthur said, but Merlin was already laughing at his own joke.

Work did not start smoothly like he’d hoped. Arthur couldn’t help but feel if he’d gone back straight away, all he would have had to deal with would’ve been some condolences and sympathetic gazes. Instead he felt like all eyes were on him, wondering why he’d taken so much time off. Even though no one but Mithian knew what he was dealing with, he felt like everyone was judging him.

However, after a few days Mithian must have said something because everyone started treating him as they had before. He knew they were being false, that they were trying to act like everything was normal, but he appreciated the sentiment. After a while things settled down and Arthur was able to resume his normal work day without the worry of his colleagues thinking he was mad.

Nimueh had been right though, the work he used to enjoy, the methodical sorting of facts and figures wasn’t as appealing as it used to be. Predicting the patterns in the numbers didn’t seem as comforting anymore. Work seemed more like work, but it was still a relief from the boredom of sitting around in his flat.

“I’ve been here nearly a month,” Arthur said to Nimueh at another one of their appointments.

“Yes you have,” Nimueh replied.

“When are we going to talk about my mother?”

“Do you want to talk about her?

“I want to get it over with,” Arthur said, he’d spent the last few sessions on edge waiting for Nimueh to bring up his mother.

“Then talk about her,” Nimueh said gently.

“You’re doing it again,” Arthur said, scowling at her.

“Doing what?” She asked, although it was clear she knew exactly what he meant.

“Asking the right questions, steering the conversation to get me to talk about my mum,” Arthur said.

“Arthur you brought up the topic,” she reminded him.

He knew she was right, but now they were having the dreaded conversation he felt unprepared. “Yes because you’re using tricks and-”

“Tell me about your mother Arthur,” Nimueh said, cutting him off.

Arthur sat there quietly for a long time, Nimueh was patient, waiting for him to speak without adding any pressure.

“I miss her,” he said, “I never thought I would. I didn’t all the time I was here. I didn’t miss any of them really. But she’s gone now, gone forever and I’ll never see her again. She did love me, I always thought that she didn’t. I only let myself remember the bad parts, I shut out all the good moments because it was easier to hate her then.”

“You’ve told me some of the bad already, tell me about the good times,” Nimueh suggested.

“She would read to me sometimes before bed, not often but when she did she would get excited, like a kid, about all the characters. Sometimes she would keep me off school and just bake hundreds of cakes, she’d forget to feed me real food and I know that was bad, but I didn’t care because I knew that eventually the walls would come back up.

“Oh and she absolutely hated Morgana, I used to love it when she came to visit. This was back when her own mum was still alive, she always got a rise out of mother. The way she could make my dad do anything, mum hated it so much, and I know she was angry, but it was just so good to see her passionate about something. I used to fight with Morgana, wind her up until she tried to upset me and then mum would jump to my defence. When Morgana was around I was like the golden child to mum. Looking back now, I think Morgana knew exactly what I was doing, she’s smart you know, I’ll never tell her that but she’s probably the smartest one in the family.

“It was all my fault,” Arthur said quietly, “I pushed her and she fell. It was my fault she was in a wheelchair,” he said.

He’d only spoken those words a handful of times, but they were in his thoughts every day since he was nine years old.

“How old were you?” Nimueh asked.

Arthur knew she already knew the answer. He knew what she was going to say next. “Nine but you can’t say I didn’t know what I was doing. I was old enough to know that when you push someone they might fall.” He said, looking down at his clasped hands.

“But you didn’t know that the dishwasher would be open” Nimueh said. “You didn’t _try_ to break her neck Arthur. When you pushed her you didn’t want to paralyse her.”

“I know but…” Arthur trailed off, he’d heard it before but it never seemed to sink in. It never felt true.

“I don’t think your mother blamed you Arthur,” she said softly.

“You don’t know that,” Arthur argued.

“No I don’t. But you were just a frustrated child, you acted out and you pushed her. It was an accident,” she said slowly.

“I never said sorry, but I am. I’m sorry I was so impatient, I know I was just a kid but I always feel like I should have tried harder,” he said, closing his eyes to prevent the tears from falling.

“No Arthur, you couldn’t, you were a child. You deserved a childhood.” Nimueh stressed.

“I miss her, but I don’t feel guilty anymore. I mean I do for the wheelchair probably always will, but not for the way she was. It wasn’t my fault she was depressed. I was just a child, I couldn’t understand then, but I do now. I know how she felt.”

“That’s good Arthur, but do you blame her?” Nimueh asked.

“For my depression? No, I don’t think I even was depressed back then you know, I think Muirden put me on drugs to calm me down,” Arthur said, looking up at her as he remembered his father dragging him to his old psychiatrist’s office kicking and screaming.

“You were angry,” she said.

“I was angry all the time, full on furious. You know it wasn’t until I came here the first time that I went so completely numb. Shipped off pumped full of drugs, it was like all the colour bled out of the world. I expected the anger to come back but it hasn’t… no wait it has,” he said, remembering a time he felt the old tell-tale stirrings of his rage.

“When?”

“When Merlin told me what happened to him, I wanted to smash things, and hurt people. But it felt good. I felt alive. I was seeing red, but at least it was colour you know?” he said, a shudder running through him as he recalled those feelings.

“Did you?” Nimueh asked, clearly concerned.

“No I got drunk, my automatic response to anger since I was fifteen,” he told her. “I haven’t had a drink since getting back,” he added.

“Is that normal?”

Arthur had mentioned his drinking once or twice before, but they’d never really discussed it properly. “Not really,” he said. “I think maybe I could’ve become an alcoholic because sometimes I needed to drink just to fall asleep.”

“You’ve made a lot of progress Arthur,” Nimueh said again, as if just repeating the statement could make him believe it.

“Can I go home?

“Not yet Arthur,” she replied.

This was how their sessions tended to wind down, with Arthur being denied permission to return home. One day she would say yes and then Arthur would be off, without a second glance, headed home to people who wanted him, people who loved him, to finally start his life.

Before Arthur knew it he had been in Manhattan for eight months, getting better day by day. His father had come over to visit him once a month, albeit for shorter visits, he was still a busy man. Morgana showed up whenever she felt like it, dragging him off to galleries and fashion shows because according to her he was the most uncultured gay man she’d ever met.

He always hoped that one day she’d mysteriously appear with Merlin in tow, but he knew that was unlikely. Merlin didn’t even have a passport, and New York would terrify him. It scared Arthur sometimes, he hadn’t really been aware of his surroundings before he’d gone home. Now he was awake he paid attention to the news and of course there were all the scary statistics that Merlin would list to him on a weekly basis, as if he thought Arthur needed anymore persuasion to come home.

When winter came around Arthur decided that enough was enough, that Nimueh had probably helped all that she could and it was time to take charge. He started putting the motions in place for his transfer, he insisted that Mithian not tell Nimueh, and to his surprise she agreed. He knew that she reported any odd behaviour, (like the time Arthur came into work in his pyjamas, half asleep with no real idea of where he was) but she kept this to herself until Arthur was ready.

“I’m going to go home next week,” he told Nimueh at what he had decided would be there final session.

They had their appointments in Arthur’s apartment now, it was too cold to be sitting outside for extended periods of time. Arthur had asked Nimueh if she even had an office, repeating his father’s question. She had calmly replied that she did but he wasn’t important enough to warrant a visit there, which had made him laugh.

Nimueh didn’t answer him straight away, just sipped at her tea watching him carefully.

“I’ve already transferred my job over to London, I start in two weeks. But my plane is at the weekend. I want to catch up with Merlin and my family before I get stuck in at head office.”

“That’s excellent,” Nimueh said with a smile.

“Oh fuck this!” Arthur snapped.

Nimueh raised an eyebrow.

“You’re saying I could have just gone home if I’d taken charge?” he demanded.

“You do realise you’re not in an institution, you could have gone home whenever you wanted to,” Nimueh said calmly.

Arthur shook his head in mild frustration. “You bloody…”

“Yes?”

“You are brilliant I’ll give you that. I wouldn’t have been ready till right now I think,” he said, realising that if Nimueh had said he wasn’t ready he would have relented and put his plans on hold.

“Then my work here is done,” she said, sounding very pleased with herself.

“Really?”

“I’d still like to do telephone appointments for at least a year, and I’ll have Gaius keeping an eye on you as I presume you’re not taking Mithian with you to London?” she enquired, tapping at the screen of her phone.

“No, I offered but her family is here. I don’t want to keep her away from that,” Arthur said, he understood now how important family was. His father being away for work had been difficult for them all.

“Then it falls upon Gaius to keep an eye on you, of course I could ring Morgana she’d be quite-”

“No need, Gaius is fine thank you. I’ll miss you Nimueh, you’ve been absolutely fantastic,” Arthur said, he truly meant it.

“Just doing my job, now I’m sure you’ve got lots to sort out,” she said.

“Yes and the first thing to do now that I know you’re not going to stop me is call Merlin,” Arthur said taking out his phone and dialling the number at the top of the speed dial.

“You’re not going to surprise him?” Nimueh asked.

“Too excited,” Arthur replied, lifting the phone to his ear.

It rang five times.

“Hello,” Merlin answered.

“Hello Merlin, where are you?” Arthur asked he could hear a lot of noise in the background.

“The Dragon, is everything ok?”

“Oh yes Merlin, everything is just fantastic. I’m coming home.”

“Finally,” Merlin breathed.

 

 


	12. ...and starting something new.

On the plane journey home Arthur thought about his final few days in New York. He’d finished work on the Friday and had been surprised to find out that Mithian had set up something of a going away party. He’d left the office for the final time only to be kidnapped and dragged to a small club by Jack and Mithian. He’d walked in to find a gathering from work waiting for him. He hadn’t realised that many people cared that he was leaving but it felt nice to know he would be missed.

Sitting in his uncomfortable plane seat, surrounded by the noise of the other passengers, he was paying for it. He had a pounding headache, a dry mouth and his stomach felt very unsettled. He lay back in the seat and closed his eyes, trying to sleep off the hangover. Morgana had insisted on picking him up from the airport and he knew she would not show him any mercy. He just hoped Gwaine and Leon had nothing planned for the weekend, he needed a rest.

Walking through the terminal he couldn’t see any sign of Morgana, so he let go of his suitcase and pulled out his phone. He was about to call her when Merlin crashed into him and pinned him against a pillar. His phone flew out of his hand and skittered across the floor, but Arthur ignored it to place his hands on Merlin’s face.

“I’m back,” he said.

Merlin didn’t say a word, his eyes were shining, but he was smiling. He leant forward and grabbed the collar of Arthur’s shirt, pulling him in for a kiss. It wasn’t really an appropriate kiss for a busy Heathrow terminal but neither of them cared. Arthur’s hands fell to Merlin’s waist and pulled him closer, while Merlin looped his arms round Arthur’s shoulders.

They were interrupted before things go out of hand. “I have no problem with a bit of voyeurism myself, but can I just remind you that we are in an airport,” Mordred said, appearing beside them as if out of nowhere.

Merlin pulled away from Arthur slightly to glare at Mordred. “People kiss at airports all the time,” he snapped.

“Yeah kiss, not press their boyfriends up against pillars and try to ravish them. I’m pretty sure there are laws against that,” Mordred said, smirking at his brother.

“Piss off,” Merlin muttered.

Arthur just smiled as the two men bickered. “Are you driving me home Mordred?” He asked before things got heated.

“I am, and if you’re nice Merlin, I may let you back in the car as well.” Mordred said, winking at Arthur.

“Maybe we’ll get a taxi,” Merlin replied.

“That’ll cost you at least two hundred quid.”

“Arthur has money,” Merlin said, stepping out of Arthur’s arms, towards Mordred.

“So that’s why you like him,” Mordred joked.

“Right that’s it-”

“Easy boys,” Arthur said, pulling Merlin back against him. “Let’s go get in the car huh? Maybe stop winding him up Mordred,” he added.

“I’m not wound up,” Merlin muttered, snatching Arthur’s suitcase up.

“Ah it’s good to be able wind him up again,” Mordred answered, ignoring the thunderous expression on Merlin up, “he’s been so despondent without you.”

“I haven’t been despondent. Do you even know what that means?” Merlin demanded as they began to walk across the terminal.

Mordred walked slightly ahead of them, leading the way, while Arthur and Merlin trailed behind slightly, hand in hand.

“It’s just nice to see him all passionate about something, even if it is you,” Mordred said.

“Hey,” Arthur warned.

“Don’t worry Arthur, Mordy’s back at Uni, so he’s only here this weekend. Then he’s pissing off back to London.” Merlin said.

“I didn’t have to drive you here,” Mordred reminded Merlin.

“I know, Morgana could’ve and she’d have been nicer to me,” Merlin replied.

“But you said ‘I want _you_ to drive me Mordred, because you won’t tease Arthur’ remember?”

“Which didn’t mean you had free reign to tease me,” Merlin argued.

“All I said was that you shouldn’t have sex in the airport,” Mordred said.

“Fine whatever, let’s go home,” Merlin relented as they arrived at the car.

Merlin helped Arthur get his suitcase into the boot and then they both got into the backseat.

“No sex in my car, I’m trying to drive here,” Mordred said as he pulled out of the car park.

“Maybe you should get one of those dividers like in taxis,” Arthur suggested,

“Shut up,” Mordred replied, keeping his eyes focussed on the road.

“I’ve missed you,” Merlin said softly, so that only Arthur could hear him.

“I’m all better now, you can have all of me. I’m here to stay,” Arthur whispered, cupping Merlin’s face with a gentle hand.

“Proper dates and romance from here on out?”

“I’ll be the most romantic boyfriend ever,” Arthur promised.

“Maybe I should handle the romance, posh and fancy doesn’t equate to romantic,” Merlin argued.

“You protest my ideas, but I reckon you want to be wined and dined, deep down,” Arthur said, kissing the tip of his nose.

Merlin pulled a face.

“Deep deep down?” Arthur said kissing him again. “Maybe we can go to Paris, the city of love?” he suggested.

“Not likely,” Mordred said, from the front seat.

“I’d like to go to Paris,” Merlin whispered.

“Maybe one day we will. Anyway I already have an idea for a perfectly romantic date. I’ve got it all planned, I’ve even booked you a day off library duties next Wednesday.” Arthur informed him.

“Really, what are we doing?”

“It’s a surprise,” Arthur said, pressing a kiss to Merlin’s lips before he could protest.

“But before all that crap, it’s party time,” Mordred said.

“Oh no,” Arthur groaned.

“Oh yes,” Mordred said gleefully. “It’s not for you anyway, it’s my birthday party and you have to come or Merlin won’t and that’s just cruel man,” he said.

“Is it at yours?”

“Is it fuck, I’m not six. It’s at Leon’s of course,” Mordred clarified.

“Urgh,” Arthur moaned, rubbing a hand across his face.

“It’ll be fun,” Merlin promised.

Mordred dropped Arthur off at home, and said he would pick him up that evening. Merlin got out of the car with him and walked up to the door.

“I’m so glad you’re back,” he whispered.

“God me too. I couldn’t have stayed away any longer,” Arthur said, pulling Merlin against him and walking them back until they were against the wall.

“I don’t want to go to Mordred’s party,” Merlin whined.

“Why?” Arthur said, peppering kisses on Merlin’s face. “Leon’s house has plenty of rooms.”

Merlin grinned. “That’s true, and what else are they good for?” he asked, kissing Arthur back.

Arthur pulled away. “Exactly, they hardly get used, we’d be doing him a favour,” he said spinning Merlin round and lifting him.

Merlin’s wrapped his legs around Arthur’s waist. Arthur kissed him again with passion, and they both ignored the sound of Mordred tapping the horn impatiently. It was only when the front door opened that Arthur let go of Merlin and stepped back from him.

“Hello Arthur,” Morgana said pleasantly, but there was a glint in her eye, “hello Merlin,” she added.

“Hi Morgana, I’ll er… I’ll see you in a bit for the party,” he said, his cheeks pink.

He kissed Arthur more chastely before dashing down the stairs to Mordred’s car. He got in the passenger seat and Arthur could make out their bickering as Mordred pulled away. He smiled. Morgana opened her mouth to speak.

“How’s Leon?” Arthur asked cutting her off.

“He’s fine, he’s all respectable now, so you can’t pull that one anymore,” she replied.

“Whatever, just don’t tease, I’m knackered,” Arthur said, yawning.

“I won’t, yet. Come on get in the house, you can sleep for a bit,” she said, pulling him close for a hug. “Dad’s out with Gaius playing golf but he’ll be back after lunch,” she informed him as Arthur made his way to the staircase.

“Great I’ll talk to him when I wake up,” Arthur replied, as he walked up to his bedroom.

When he got there he abandoned his suitcase by the door and flopped onto the bed, not even bothering to remove his clothes. It didn’t take him long to fall asleep, comforted for the first time by the warmth and familiarity of home.

He slept all afternoon, and only woke when Morgana came in all dressed up, demanding that he get up before he made them late. He dragged himself out of bed and managed to shower and change, before Morgana was even close to being ready, so he wandered downstairs to find his father. He was in the sitting room watching television, which Arthur found a little strange.

“Are you watching Strictly Come Dancing?” Arthur asked, surprised.

The TV clicked off and Uther stood up from his seat looking flustered. “I wasn’t… Morgana was watching it,” he stammered.

“Really? Because she’s upstairs getting ready,” Arthur said, biting his lip to keep from laughing. “There’s nothing wrong with ballroom dancing father,” he added.

“Yes well,” Uther replied, shifting awkwardly. “I’m glad you’re home Arthur,” he said quietly.

He stepped forward and pulled Arthur into a tentative embrace.

“Me too father,” Arthur said, when they broke apart, “I’ve got some time before the party, if you want to watch the show together.”

“I wasn’t watching it, Morgana was watching it,” Uther insisted, but he sat down and grabbed the remote.

“Ok, fine but I’d like to watch it so…”

Uther turned the television back on, and patted the sofa next to him. Arthur sat down and tried to hide his grin.

“So who’s winning?” he asked innocently.

“Well Catrina is the real star of this series, but she’s having a bad night tonight,” Uther answered before catching himself and scowling at Arthur.

“We can watch something more manly if you’d like,” Arthur offered.

“No this is fine, I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Uther said dryly.

“Ha ha,” Arthur said smiling, “so is it the skimpy costumes or the dancing that you like?”

“It’s the dancing,” Uther replied. Then he started to laugh, “Morgana actually hates this show, she refuses to watch it with me.”

Arthur grinned. “It’s still got a couple of weeks left right? We can watch it together,” he suggested.

“I’d like that Arthur, but spending your Saturday nights with me, is a little bit sad isn’t it? I mean you do have boyfriend remember?”

“Maybe he could join us, I’ll sound him out,” Arthur said.

“I’m sure he’d love to, so how long are you staying here?” Uther asked.

“What?” Arthur replied, turning away from the screen, “I’m staying for good this time.”

“Oh I don’t doubt that, I meant how long are you going to be at the house before you move out?”

“You want me to leave already, you’re hardly running out of room,” Arthur replied, confused as to why he was already being kicked out.

“I don’t want you to leave but I can’t imagine that you’re going to stay here that long. I reckon you and Merlin-”

“Leave it, we’re taking things slowly,” Arthur warned.

“I don’t think that’s an option for the two of you,” Uther said. “You’ve been dating, albeit virtually for eight months, anyone else and I’d advise not rushing into things. But I know a good thing when I see it, the way you change when you’re talking about him, your eyes light up. And the way you would speak on the phone, there was a time when your mother would speak to me like that,” he said.

Arthur placed a hand on his father’s knee and gave it a squeeze.

“He’s obviously very special, to get through all those walls you put up,” Uther said.

“Yeah I know,” Arthur murmured.

“I give it three months then,” Uther replied, turning back to the television.

Arthur just rolled his eyes and sat back to enjoy the show, until Morgana came in to tell them Mordred and Merlin were back to drive them to the party.

“Have a good night kids,” Uther said, briefly glancing up from the screen which engrossed him.

“Did you just call us kids? Even when we _were_ kids you never said that,” Arthur said.

“Well I’m obviously just getting more hip in my old age-”

“Are you sure you don’t mean you need a new hip?” Morgana asked.

“Away with you,” Uther said, waving his hands at them impatiently.

Arthur grinned and offered Morgana his arm as they walked down the hallway to the front door.

“You look nice,” he said.

“Thank you brother dearest,” she said, smiling at him.

“I’m sure Leon-”

“Don’t even try to finish that sentence,” she warned, eyes flashing.

Arthur shrugged and led her to the car. “Are you sure you can be seen in this car? It’s probably second hand.”

“Oh be quiet,” Morgana said, batting his hands away as he tried to open the door for her.

Sighing Arthur moved round to the back door and slid into the car beside Merlin. Merlin was staring at him as if he couldn’t quite believe Arthur was back.

“Hello again,” Arthur said.

“Hey,” Merlin said,

“Ready to party?” Mordred asked.

Arthur nodded.

“Then off we go,” Mordred said, backing out of the drive.

When they arrived at Leon’s the party was already in full swing. Arthur thought was a bit odd considering it was supposedly Mordred’s birthday do, but he didn’t comment. Instead he entwined his fingers with Merlin’s and led him into the large reception room, where they were immediately pounced on by a very inebriated Gwaine.

“Pendragon!” he yelled, “you’re back finally,” he said, pulling him away from Merlin and into a crushing hug.

“Yeah, did you miss me?” Arthur asked, hugging back just as enthusiastically.

“You know I did,” Gwaine said, handing Arthur a bottle of beer.

“Thanks,” Arthur said

He was about to get a drink for Merlin, when Gwaine handed him a can of coke.

“Thanks Gwaine,” Merlin said.

“Where’s Mordred?” Gwaine asked.

Merlin looked around surprised. “I don’t know, he was here a minute ago,” he said.

“I’ll find him,” Gwaine said, “after all it’s tradition that the birthday boy gets thrown in the pool.”

“Gwaine it’s the middle of winter,” Merlin called out, but Gwaine was already gone.

“Is it really Mordred’s birthday?” Arthur asked, this seemed nothing like a birthday party.

“Technically probably not. He’d never had a birthday till he moved in with me and mum,” Merlin said, “so when he’d been there for a year we called it his birthday.”

Arthur shook his head.

“Feeling selfish?”

“Yeah, you both had such sad childhoods,” Arthur said.

“You were sad too,” Merlin replied.

“Yeah I was, but you handled it better.”

“You’re doing pretty well right now,” Merlin said, taking his hand.

“Alright Arthur?” Leon said, interrupting them. “Are you looking forward to working together?”

“We won’t be working together, I’m the boss’ son I’ll be on the top floor, you’ll be down in the basement,” Arthur reminded him.

“I don’t work in the basement, and I meant for lunch and stuff,” Leon clarified.

“I suppose we could do lunch a few times a week,” Arthur agreed.

“Cool. How are you doing Merlin?” Leon asked

“I’m good thanks,” Merlin said.

“Good to see you up and about again,” Leon said, grinning at him.

“What?” Merlin asked confused.

“He’s been awful Arthur, moping about the place. Me and Percy founding him curled up in the children’s section of the library crying to the toy knights the other day,” Leon said, oblivious to the furious expression on Merlin’s face.

“That is not true!” Merlin spluttered, “I was doing a play for the children,” he said.

Arthur just pulled him close and placed a kiss on his temple.

“I wasn’t crying,” Merlin insisted.

“Mordred says-”

“Mordred is lying,” Merlin snapped.

“I thought that was you,” Leon replied.

“Do you want to test me Leon? Because I have some pretty interesting things Arthur might like to know about you,” Merlin said.

“Like what?” Leon asked, but he looked worried.

Merlin just nodded toward Morgana, Leon looked over at her then back to Arthur nervously.

“Arthur is fine with Morgana and I.”

“Is he really?

Arthur let Leon squirm for a minute before giving in.

“Nah I’m fine with it really,” Arthur said.

Leon breathed a sigh of relief, than made his way over to Morgana, where he spun her and dipped her before kissing her. When he let her back up she pushed at him in half-hearted annoyance.

“Nice diversion,” Arthur said, winking at Merlin.

“It’s what I’m good at, lies and misdirection. Plus drunk people are generally quite easy to distract,” Merlin said.

“Well everyone seems sufficiently distracted, what’s say we explore this lovely house of Leon’s?” Arthur suggested with a wink.

“Why Arthur that is a splendid idea,” Merlin agreed, allowing Arthur to lead him out of the room. “Where are we going?” he asked, when they got to the stairs.

“Far away from everyone else, so that it’s just you and me,” Arthur said, dragging Merlin up the stairs.

They practically ran down the hallway until they found a bedroom. Arthur closed the heavy door behind him and the sound of the party downstairs was cut off, leaving them in blessed silence.

“That’s better,” Merlin whispered.

He sat on the edge of the bed and held his hands out, reaching for Arthur who went willingly. When Arthur reached the bed he knelt down and pressed his head to Merlin’s chest.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he murmured.

“I’ve missed you too Arthur,” Merlin said, tugging at Arthur until he rose up to kiss him.

Merlin scooted back on the bed, not letting go of Arthur, pulling him up so that they ended up lying side by side.

“I’ve missed this,” he said reaching out and pulling Arthur’s shirt over his head, “cybersex just doesn’t cut it.”

“Not even close,” Arthur agreed, allowing Merlin to climb on top of him, so that he was straddling him.

“I’ve missed the feel of your skin under my fingertips. I know we only had a few days of this…” he said, gesturing at their position, “but I think I got addicted pretty quickly.” He said tracing the lines of Arthur’s chest, causing him to shudder with want.

“You’re wearing too many clothes Merlin,” Arthur whispered, as he looked up at him still fully dressed above him.

“That can be rectified easily enough,” Merlin said, leaning back to strip off his clothes.

Arthur did the same with his remaining garments, and then they were finally naked and pressed together and Arthur felt like he was finally home, skin to skin with Merlin. He flipped them over and touched him everywhere with his fingers, his lips and his tongue, committing to memory every inch of Merlin’s body. Learning him all over again until Merlin was shaking with need beneath him.

“God I’ve missed you,” Arthur whispered against Merlin’s skin.

“Arthur please,” Merlin cried out as Arthur licked up his inner thigh.

“Your smell was on my clothes for weeks, I refused to wash them for ages,” Arthur continued.

“I still had your hoodie, I would bury my face in it when…”

“Oh god Merlin,” Arthur groaned, pressing his forehead against Merlin’s hipbone and wrapping his hand around the base of his cock, stopping himself coming at the image of Merlin getting off face pressed into his hoodie.

“Arthur come on,” Merlin begged, as Arthur’s tongue was everywhere but the one place he wanted it.

“I missed your taste too,” Arthur said, relenting and finally taking Merlin’s straining cock into his mouth.

Merlin let out a heavy sigh and fell back onto the pillows, as Arthur worked his cock, with his hand and mouth

“God I missed your mouth,” Merlin groaned as his hips began to buck, thrusting into the wet heat of Arthur’s mouth.

Arthur pinned him down with strong hands, before taking him down to the root, causing him to thrash wildly.

“Arthur I’m gonna… I’m…”

Arthur pulled off and looped his fingers around Merlin’s cock. “Not yet, you’re not coming until I’m inside you,” he warned as he began to open Merlin up.

It didn’t take long before Merlin was pulling at him, begging him to just fuck him already. Arthur took a deep breath, trying to cool his ardour slightly, wanting it to last before pushing inside Merlin.

He sighed with relief and stilled, just looming over Merlin until he begged Arthur to move. In the end it was desperate and over quicker than he’d wanted. The urgent thrusts had Arthur coming quick and hard, dragging Merlin over the edge with him. It wasn’t the epic reunion sex of movies and television, but to them it was perfect.

Afterwards as they lay there in Leon’s spare bedroom, tangled in the sheets catching their breath, Merlin snuggled up against him, making it clear they were staying the night.

“Welcome home,” he whispered.

“It’s good to be back,” Arthur replied, holding Merlin close and drifting off to sleep, knowing he would sleep better there in that dusty old room with Merlin in his arms than anywhere else.

Later that week they were driving to Merlin’s surprise. The man in question was getting agitated.

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” He demanded.

“Nope,” Arthur said, grinning over at Merlin who was twisting in his seat impatiently.

“I don’t like surprises,” Merlin muttered.

“Yes you do,” Arthur replied, keeping his eyes on the road.

“Arthur we’ve left the county now. Where are we going?” Merlin asked, getting agitated.

“Do you trust me?”

Merlin sat quietly for a moment, he took a deep breath. “Yeah,” he said finally.

“I promise you’ll like this surprise,” Arthur said, refusing to elaborate further and ruin the plan.

“We’ll see,” Merlin said, sitting back in his seat and trying to relax.

“We’re turning off for Donington?” he asked, when Arthur pulled the car off the motorway.

“Yep.”

“What’s in Donington?” he asked.

“Wait and see,” Arthur said, laughing at Merlin’s impatience.

Merlin sat bolt upright in his seat when they passed the sign for their destination. “A race track!” He said, practically bouncing in his seat. “For me? Can I drive?” he asked, sounding amazed.

“Yes all for you,” Arthur confirmed.

“I don’t have a licence,” Merlin said, worry creeping into his voice.

“I know, but I spoke to Mordred and he said you can drive. That you two secretly drive his car around the Parson’s farm. Sounds a bit dodgy to me, but there we go.” Arthur assured him.

“Yeah I _can_ drive, but a race car? Really Arthur? Is it allowed?”

“This is a private racetrack, I’ve hired it for the day. It’s not a public road so you don’t need a licence, they just have to test you to see what level of car they’re going to trust you with,” Arthur explained.

“Oh yeah, I can do that, I bet I’ll ace it.” Merlin said as he jumped out of the car, even though Arthur had barely stopped. “Come on,” he said, tapping on Arthur’s window impatiently.

Arthur watched Merlin happily, as he chatted to the instructor, listening intently to the rules. He chuckled at the disappointment on Merlin’s face when the Clio was brought out to test him. Merlin had clearly been expecting to get straight into something a little sportier. Merlin’s driving surprised him, Mordred had clearly downplayed their illegal road activities somewhat, because Merlin handled the test as if he were a seasoned driver. After a few loops Merlin pulled up beside Arthur.

“Are you gonna race me?” he said stepping out of the Clio, “because I’ll beat you.”

“We’ll see,” Arthur challenged, grabbing the helmet and getting into the Ferrari which had been brought out. He winked at Merlin as he got into the Porsche and then they were off, hurtling around the track at a hundred miles an hour

“I told you I’d win,” Merlin joked as he sat down beside Arthur on the bonnet of his car, pulling his coat tighter around himself to keep out the cold.

They’d tested several different cars and done countless loops of the track and Arthur had only beaten Merlin twice. Even then it had been very close.

“I let you,” Arthur said, turning to face him.

“As if you did,” Merlin said, not believing a word of it. “I won fair and square.”

“Maybe…”

“Definitely. This was awesome by the way, thank you,” he said softly, tracing a finger over Arthur’s face.

“I can be romantic,” Arthur said.

“Ah yes nothing says romantic like a day at a racetrack,” Merlin said, but he was smiling fondly.

“Nothing says romantic like me paying attention to an offhanded but wistful comment about you wanting to drive a race car, then hiring out a racetrack just for you and me,” Arthur countered.

“You’ve got that right,” Merlin said, entwining their fingers, “very romantic. We’re gonna be alright you and me.”

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely, I’m the smart one, I know these things. But seriously we will, I can feel it, I’ve never been more certain of anything. Things will probably still be shit sometimes, but we’ll make it through, nothing can be as hard as what we’ve already handled. And if it ever is, we’ll have each other. Arthur, we’re going to make it,” he said, squeezing Arthur’s hand.

“You and me against the world.” Arthur said.

“No you and me living that ordinary happy life we’ve both craved for so long,” Merlin said.

And Arthur knew they would because that’s all he wanted a loving family, and it was something he’d found with Merlin. Merlin had helped him realise the family he already had, and added to it. Arthur was certain that together they would create their own new branch of the family.

 

 


	13. Epilogue - Working towards happily ever after

One year later Arthur walked into _The Dragon_ , brushing the snow off his coat. It was even colder this winter than the last and London had come to a standstill from an unexpected sudden snowfall. This meant he was late, and everybody else was already crowded in the booth for the celebration. He’d entered the pub quietly, everybody was busy focussing on Merlin, so he took off his coat, removing the gift from the pocket before hanging it up.

He watched his group of friends for a moment, pondering how he’d gotten to this point. It hadn’t all been easy, there’d been moments where he’d felt he just wasn’t going to make it. And of course there were still days when getting out of bed still seemed like the most impossible task, but he was making it with everybody’s support.

Things with Merlin hadn’t been all sunshine and daisies either, they’d had their arguments. Arthur working long hours in London had strained things for a while, as had Merlin’s issues with trusting people. But after their first fight they had learnt to always air their issues, even if they thought the other would be upset by the truth. This open communication helped and Arthur felt things were pretty perfect right now. There would be more fights, that was inevitable, but the makeups were usually good too. This wasn’t one of Merlin’s fairy tales, this was real life and it was hard work, but always worth it.

Mordred had noticed Arthur standing by the door and was watching Arthur curiously, he smiled at him as Arthur’s thoughts came back to the room. Arthur smiled back and wandered over to his crowd of friends.

“Finally Pendragon,” Gwaine said cheerfully, “what time do you call this?”

“Sorry I’m late, the first sign of snow and the whole city shuts down,” Arthur apologised.

“You city types, never able to handle the weather,” Merlin said, shuffling along the bench making room for Arthur.

“I got you a gift,” Arthur said, handing over the parcel.

“A book?” Merlin asked as he shook the package.

“Open it and see,” Arthur said.

Merlin didn’t need telling twice, he tore into the present enthusiastically, shredding the paper with ease. When he got it open he held the leather bound note book in his hand, staring at it with awe.

“It’s beautiful,” he whispered, tracing a finger over the embossed gold pattern.

“Well now that you’re going to be a published author, you need to be organising your notes in style,” Arthur said.

“Thank you,” Merlin murmured, locking eyes with Arthur and ignoring everyone else in the room.

“Open it,” Arthur said.

Merlin let the book fall open in his hands, flicking back to the first page.

“Oh Arthur,” he whispered, “I love you,” he said as he read Arthur’s message.

_This book is my gift to you, for you to keep writing your wonderful stories._

_I know when you started writing it was an escape for you._

_You told me once that your stories were just your way of committing the fantasy world in your head to paper._

_But I also know you’re happy now, you’re no longer running, trying to escape but I know that won’t stop you creating these worlds, there are others who are going to need your stories until they find what you’ve got now._

_I’m not saying we’re perfect, far from it. There are probably going to be more hard times ahead, but we have each other, we can make it through all the difficulties that face us._

_And after all the easy stories aren’t the ones worth reading about._

“I love you to Merlin,” Arthur managed to get out before Merlin dropped the book and pounced on him.

Yes they’d had hard times Arthur thought, but with Merlin there in his arms he knew he was going to be fine. He had what he’d always wanted, the love of his friends and family, and it was thanks to Merlin that he could see what he’d always had.

 


End file.
